2000 Newsletters
January–April 2000
Bad Body Thoughts
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
“It just hits me out of the blue. I start to feel fat and disgusting and then it’s all I can think about.”
“As young as I can remember I’ve always felt too big. My mom used to yell at me, and I would go eat cookies and feel fat.”
In order to give up an eating disorder and become a “normal eater” again, women must give up weight loss as a goal. But its hard to give up weight loss when you have negative feelings about your body. Often negative feelings about our bodies were the first symptom of our eating disorders. Think back, why did you start your first diet? Because you felt fat or too big.
In our society, with its size 0 supermodels, it is very hard not to have negative body image. In fact having some degree of dissatisfaction with one’s appearance is considered the “norm”. When women get together, where does the conversation inevitably turn?....to body dissatisfaction and diets. Its been called “Anorexic Bonding” of women.
When my clients say to me “I feel fat”, I remind them that “fat” is not a emotion. Feeling fat is almost always a bodily sensation of a displaced or unidentified emotion. Often women who have eating disorders are not aware of what they are feeling, and focusing our attention on our body gives an illusion of control.
As Jane Hirschman and Carol Munter point out in their books Overcoming Overeating and When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, “Bad body thoughts are never, ever about your body...But the thing about a bad body thought is that it includes believing that it’s about your body. ” If you do not feel good about your body it is always about something else in your life. If we listen to what we say about our bodies we get clues about what else needs our attention.
For example: Let’s say that I’m a 40ish professional woman with two children and a bourgeoning business to run. (Hmmmmm, sounds familiar.) In the middle of a particularly hectic weekday morning after I’ve lost my keys, was late for an appointment, and just received a second notice on a bill I forgot to pay, I start to “feel fat”. “My abs are flabby!”, I think to myself. So I go to the health club and do a million sit-ups and workout on the abcruncher for a half hour. Sweating and exhausted, I leave, only to find that I have to return home because I left my briefcase in the kitchen and forgot to pack myself a lunch for work.
The next day, I realize that I never got around to returning those phone calls, and rather than doing the bookkeeping and billing, I decide that my flabby abs need another workout.
On the third day, I’m feeling flabbier than ever when I look at the stacks of paper on my desk. I think to myself, “I’ll do it when I get back from the health club”. But day after day I will continue to feel powerless against these “flabby feelings”.
As you can guess from my example, when we focus solely on our body, the real issues which cause us to feel a certain way never get addressed. We need to listen to the words we use to describe our body and ask ourselves, “If this isn’t about my body, what in my life feels flabby?” In this example, my paperwork and bookkeeping are flabby. If I work on organizing my paperwork, scheduling a bookkeeping system, become disciplined to return phone calls promptly, and take a mindful moment each day to make sure I have everything I need before leaving home, my life will not “feel so flabby”. My life will change and I will grow, feeling more empowered with each change.
In Rebecca Wells book Divine Secrets of the YA YA Sisterhood, there’s a great example of this:
“Do I look too fat?” Vivi asked.
Sidda could not count the number of times her mother had asked her that question. Now, for the first time, she thought she heard what her mother was really asking: Is there too much of me? Do I need to trim myself back for you?
“No Mama,” Sidda said, “you don’t look fat. There is just enough of you. Not too little. Not too much. In fact, you look exactly right.”
Now, I have nothing against working out. I believe in keeping our bodies healthy, and moving our bodies in enjoyable ways. And if our bodies truly are asking for healthy movement, it is perfectly OK to heed that call. But when we go to the health club looking for something else, we are looking in the wrong place. Linda Harper wrote about this in her book The Tao of Eating . She advocates asking our soul what it is looking for when we want to engage in our eating disordered activities. In my example above, maybe my soul was looking for a sense of control over my life and mistakenly thought that working out my abs would give me that control. Maybe I was looking for a way to “work out” my frustrations caused by my disorganization.
The next time you “feel fat” try asking yourself, “If this isn’t about my body what in my life feels like it needs changing. What is my soul asking for?” That is where you will find your answer.
I am currently working on a book about recovery, eating disorders and body image. In this book I will use anecdotes from women in various stages of the recovery process. As I write the book, I will ask a question at the end of my newsletter articles which you may respond to by email (as part of the email message, not as an attached file). This issue’s question: When was the first time you felt dissatisfied with your body? When you were growing up what messages did you receive (verbally or nonverbally) about your body? What happens in your current life that makes you feel that body dissatisfaction all over again?
____________________
Nutrition Q&A: Diets
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
"I happened to catch Oprah yesterday and she had this show on about low carbohydrate diets. I then found myself wondering maybe this is what I should be doing and I was back in the diet mode again!"
Many of my clients who are moving away from diets periodically get pulled into the diet mode with the latest diet best seller or “diet-in-disguise”. When you’ve pledged to move away from diets you are in the process of learning to trust and feed your body as well as focus on health, not on weight.
Any book, program, or health professional that is critical, judgmental, or tells you, “You’re not good enough because of your weight” is a diet. Any book, program, or health professional that tells you exactly what, when, and how much to eat is a diet. These elements of a diet are external messages that tell you to override your natural internal signals.
So how can you watch Oprah or any other show that inevitably will continue to have diets and diets-in-disguise?
1) Look for the critical, judgmental, and “you’re-not-good-enough” reasoning behind the program being promoted. ALERT: DIET AHEAD!
2) Look for the specifics to come: exactly what, when, and how much to eat. ALERT: THIS IS A DIET
3) If you are still hooked by some way of eating that is being promoted, perhaps there’s a grain of truth that you can use. You are in the process of learning to trust and feed your body. You now have the ability to make choices for your body and see if it fits for you.
For example: You are wondering if your body could use more protein to feed your body. So you try it and ask yourself how it feels, what does it do for you?
Or perhaps you’ve driven through the same drive-thru for the same foods at the same time of day for a long time. You’re not feeling so good physically or energy-wise about these choices. So you brain-storm some ideas, try a few new routines, try other foods, and see how it feels. Do you want to keep doing that new routine? Has it helped you at all?
You will eventually read what is wrong with the latest best seller diet that comes along, but they will continue to come along. And as they do, keep in mind there is no nutrition regimen that is true for all people. There are general nutrition principles for wellness, and there will continue to be new findings about nutrition. Then there is your own body. You have the ability to make healthy choices for your body. Stay connected to your natural internal signals, they will guide you.
____________________________
How Do I Help My Daughter?
Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
How do I help my daughter avoid the problem I had with weight and eating?
Many women are adamant about making things “better” for their children. They don’t want to “let them get fat”, but they also do not want to repeat what their parents did to them in regards to food and dieting in their childhood. These women work very hard to provide healthy foods for their daughters. They try not to be judgmental about their daughters body. Yet, somehow they often wind up in my office because their daughter doesn’t like how she looks or everyone is worried about the child’s weight. So, what went wrong?
Living in America in 1999 is a part of what’s wrong. The cultural message is still very clearly “thin is good, fat is bad”. The lack of size diversity on television and in the media sends a strong message to our girls that “thin is the only way to be”. Then we are frequently getting hit with 30 second summaries of research revealing the dangers of obesity in children, and how more and more of our children are obese.
We worry that how and what we feed our children may contribute to weight problems. (In fact even as a dietitian I struggle with what I “should” be feeding my own children. Either there’s some new study showing a food like apples or margarine is laden with “bad” things or I see standard recommendations for things like calcium or protein change. We also have so many more choices than 30 or 40 years ago. My mother did not struggle with “organic” vs. “conventionally grown” foods. When I was growing up there was just milk, not whole, 2%, 1%, skim, fat free... It’s no wonder feeling confident that we’re eating and feeding our children right is hard.)
The solution to helping your child develop a healthy attitude toward her eating and body requires a very wholistic approach. In a recent article in Chicago Parent, Lisa Schab, LCSW, made the following recommendations: talk to your children about how happiness comes from within and not from the size of our bodies; emphasize the importance of diversity in life and body shape and size; practice size acceptance and model a focus on internal qualities; build healthy esteem in your children and yourself; and finally focus on nutritious eating for health and enjoyment, not looks. In other words, we have to take a good look at our own attitudes and behaviors. As we work to love and accept ourselves, our daughters will learn from our example. Our actions speak much louder than our words.
________________________
- Bad Body Thoughts - Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
- Nutrition Q&A: Diets - Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
- How Do I Help My Daughter? - Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
Bad Body Thoughts
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
“It just hits me out of the blue. I start to feel fat and disgusting and then it’s all I can think about.”
“As young as I can remember I’ve always felt too big. My mom used to yell at me, and I would go eat cookies and feel fat.”
In order to give up an eating disorder and become a “normal eater” again, women must give up weight loss as a goal. But its hard to give up weight loss when you have negative feelings about your body. Often negative feelings about our bodies were the first symptom of our eating disorders. Think back, why did you start your first diet? Because you felt fat or too big.
In our society, with its size 0 supermodels, it is very hard not to have negative body image. In fact having some degree of dissatisfaction with one’s appearance is considered the “norm”. When women get together, where does the conversation inevitably turn?....to body dissatisfaction and diets. Its been called “Anorexic Bonding” of women.
When my clients say to me “I feel fat”, I remind them that “fat” is not a emotion. Feeling fat is almost always a bodily sensation of a displaced or unidentified emotion. Often women who have eating disorders are not aware of what they are feeling, and focusing our attention on our body gives an illusion of control.
As Jane Hirschman and Carol Munter point out in their books Overcoming Overeating and When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, “Bad body thoughts are never, ever about your body...But the thing about a bad body thought is that it includes believing that it’s about your body. ” If you do not feel good about your body it is always about something else in your life. If we listen to what we say about our bodies we get clues about what else needs our attention.
For example: Let’s say that I’m a 40ish professional woman with two children and a bourgeoning business to run. (Hmmmmm, sounds familiar.) In the middle of a particularly hectic weekday morning after I’ve lost my keys, was late for an appointment, and just received a second notice on a bill I forgot to pay, I start to “feel fat”. “My abs are flabby!”, I think to myself. So I go to the health club and do a million sit-ups and workout on the abcruncher for a half hour. Sweating and exhausted, I leave, only to find that I have to return home because I left my briefcase in the kitchen and forgot to pack myself a lunch for work.
The next day, I realize that I never got around to returning those phone calls, and rather than doing the bookkeeping and billing, I decide that my flabby abs need another workout.
On the third day, I’m feeling flabbier than ever when I look at the stacks of paper on my desk. I think to myself, “I’ll do it when I get back from the health club”. But day after day I will continue to feel powerless against these “flabby feelings”.
As you can guess from my example, when we focus solely on our body, the real issues which cause us to feel a certain way never get addressed. We need to listen to the words we use to describe our body and ask ourselves, “If this isn’t about my body, what in my life feels flabby?” In this example, my paperwork and bookkeeping are flabby. If I work on organizing my paperwork, scheduling a bookkeeping system, become disciplined to return phone calls promptly, and take a mindful moment each day to make sure I have everything I need before leaving home, my life will not “feel so flabby”. My life will change and I will grow, feeling more empowered with each change.
In Rebecca Wells book Divine Secrets of the YA YA Sisterhood, there’s a great example of this:
“Do I look too fat?” Vivi asked.
Sidda could not count the number of times her mother had asked her that question. Now, for the first time, she thought she heard what her mother was really asking: Is there too much of me? Do I need to trim myself back for you?
“No Mama,” Sidda said, “you don’t look fat. There is just enough of you. Not too little. Not too much. In fact, you look exactly right.”
Now, I have nothing against working out. I believe in keeping our bodies healthy, and moving our bodies in enjoyable ways. And if our bodies truly are asking for healthy movement, it is perfectly OK to heed that call. But when we go to the health club looking for something else, we are looking in the wrong place. Linda Harper wrote about this in her book The Tao of Eating . She advocates asking our soul what it is looking for when we want to engage in our eating disordered activities. In my example above, maybe my soul was looking for a sense of control over my life and mistakenly thought that working out my abs would give me that control. Maybe I was looking for a way to “work out” my frustrations caused by my disorganization.
The next time you “feel fat” try asking yourself, “If this isn’t about my body what in my life feels like it needs changing. What is my soul asking for?” That is where you will find your answer.
I am currently working on a book about recovery, eating disorders and body image. In this book I will use anecdotes from women in various stages of the recovery process. As I write the book, I will ask a question at the end of my newsletter articles which you may respond to by email (as part of the email message, not as an attached file). This issue’s question: When was the first time you felt dissatisfied with your body? When you were growing up what messages did you receive (verbally or nonverbally) about your body? What happens in your current life that makes you feel that body dissatisfaction all over again?
____________________
Nutrition Q&A: Diets
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
"I happened to catch Oprah yesterday and she had this show on about low carbohydrate diets. I then found myself wondering maybe this is what I should be doing and I was back in the diet mode again!"
Many of my clients who are moving away from diets periodically get pulled into the diet mode with the latest diet best seller or “diet-in-disguise”. When you’ve pledged to move away from diets you are in the process of learning to trust and feed your body as well as focus on health, not on weight.
Any book, program, or health professional that is critical, judgmental, or tells you, “You’re not good enough because of your weight” is a diet. Any book, program, or health professional that tells you exactly what, when, and how much to eat is a diet. These elements of a diet are external messages that tell you to override your natural internal signals.
So how can you watch Oprah or any other show that inevitably will continue to have diets and diets-in-disguise?
1) Look for the critical, judgmental, and “you’re-not-good-enough” reasoning behind the program being promoted. ALERT: DIET AHEAD!
2) Look for the specifics to come: exactly what, when, and how much to eat. ALERT: THIS IS A DIET
3) If you are still hooked by some way of eating that is being promoted, perhaps there’s a grain of truth that you can use. You are in the process of learning to trust and feed your body. You now have the ability to make choices for your body and see if it fits for you.
For example: You are wondering if your body could use more protein to feed your body. So you try it and ask yourself how it feels, what does it do for you?
Or perhaps you’ve driven through the same drive-thru for the same foods at the same time of day for a long time. You’re not feeling so good physically or energy-wise about these choices. So you brain-storm some ideas, try a few new routines, try other foods, and see how it feels. Do you want to keep doing that new routine? Has it helped you at all?
You will eventually read what is wrong with the latest best seller diet that comes along, but they will continue to come along. And as they do, keep in mind there is no nutrition regimen that is true for all people. There are general nutrition principles for wellness, and there will continue to be new findings about nutrition. Then there is your own body. You have the ability to make healthy choices for your body. Stay connected to your natural internal signals, they will guide you.
____________________________
How Do I Help My Daughter?
Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
How do I help my daughter avoid the problem I had with weight and eating?
Many women are adamant about making things “better” for their children. They don’t want to “let them get fat”, but they also do not want to repeat what their parents did to them in regards to food and dieting in their childhood. These women work very hard to provide healthy foods for their daughters. They try not to be judgmental about their daughters body. Yet, somehow they often wind up in my office because their daughter doesn’t like how she looks or everyone is worried about the child’s weight. So, what went wrong?
Living in America in 1999 is a part of what’s wrong. The cultural message is still very clearly “thin is good, fat is bad”. The lack of size diversity on television and in the media sends a strong message to our girls that “thin is the only way to be”. Then we are frequently getting hit with 30 second summaries of research revealing the dangers of obesity in children, and how more and more of our children are obese.
We worry that how and what we feed our children may contribute to weight problems. (In fact even as a dietitian I struggle with what I “should” be feeding my own children. Either there’s some new study showing a food like apples or margarine is laden with “bad” things or I see standard recommendations for things like calcium or protein change. We also have so many more choices than 30 or 40 years ago. My mother did not struggle with “organic” vs. “conventionally grown” foods. When I was growing up there was just milk, not whole, 2%, 1%, skim, fat free... It’s no wonder feeling confident that we’re eating and feeding our children right is hard.)
The solution to helping your child develop a healthy attitude toward her eating and body requires a very wholistic approach. In a recent article in Chicago Parent, Lisa Schab, LCSW, made the following recommendations: talk to your children about how happiness comes from within and not from the size of our bodies; emphasize the importance of diversity in life and body shape and size; practice size acceptance and model a focus on internal qualities; build healthy esteem in your children and yourself; and finally focus on nutritious eating for health and enjoyment, not looks. In other words, we have to take a good look at our own attitudes and behaviors. As we work to love and accept ourselves, our daughters will learn from our example. Our actions speak much louder than our words.
________________________
May–August 2000
What Do You Value?
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
I want you to stop reading right now, go get a pen and several sheets of paper. Then I want you to turn off your judgments, thoughts and fears. Close your eyes and go inward to a quiet place inside you, to a calm feeling of wisdom, a place that just “knows” what is best for you. And from that place, answer the following three questions.
1) What would you have to do or accomplish between now, May 2000, and the year you are 99 years old, in order for you to sit back and say “Ah, that was a good life” ?
2) What would you like your friends to say at your eulogy? What do you want them to remember about you?
3) If you only had six months to live (active and healthy for all that time), how would you spend it?
This is an exercise I often give to my clients. It helps us clarify what is important to us, what are our values, what our goals are. Most people have specific goals in mind. They want to have satisfying careers and fulfilling relationships. Some know that they want to get married and have children. Many want to make the world a better place, to help others. Almost all want their friends to remember them as being generous, loving, caring, kind, a good listener, fun, having a sense of humor. For the last six months of their life, most would travel, take risks, have fun, spend time with loving friends and family.
In the 14 years that I have been treating women with eating disorders, not once did a client say: “I want to be on the cover of Cosmo*. I want my friends to remember I wore a size 2, and I’d spend the last six months of my life over-exercising and starving myself.” But to look at how we live our lives, that is what appears to be important, what we value most.
Usually these things become important because we’ve never stopped to think about what we value, deep inside. When we sacrifice our “selves” to please others we often lose a sense of purpose, meaning and direction in life. When we reclaim our sense of self, we can live each day according to our own beliefs, values and with a direction to achieve what is important to us.
When I was in the midst of my eating disorder, I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, what I liked or valued. I based my behavior on who was around me, often feeling like a chameleon, changing to fit my surroundings. My lack of direction made me feel out of control, at the fate of those around me. Because I felt so empty inside, I invested a lot of energy in my appearance, what I ate, how thin I could be.
During my recovery, I had to rediscover who I was, what I believed in. It was through this inner discovery process that I realized that I was good at helping others and I wanted to make a difference in the world. When I reclaimed these parts of myself, I felt my life had a direction and a purpose. I could then live my life mindfully, emphasizing what was really important to me. Rather than starving myself, I reminded myself that feeding my body was important so that it could do the things I needed to do in order to accomplish my goals. Instead of filling my mind with calculations of fat grams, calories or exercise reps, I filled my mind with knowledge about the things I valued. In place of worrying about whether I was the fattest or thinnest woman in the room, I decided to stop “competing”. I concentrated on talking to others on a genuine human-to-human level.
Look at what you wrote. How can you live your life according to your values on a daily basis? What can you do to become mindful of what is really important to you in the long run? What thoughts do you need to replace because they are not conducive to achieving your goals?
I encourage you to live each day to the fullest, mindful of what is really important to you.
Amy Grabowski is writing a book about eating disorders and recovery. She invites you to share any insights you have learned from this article: what is important to you, what you value most, how you will live your life in response to this insight.
(*I do not want to imply that wanting to be on the cover of Cosmo magazine is somehow bad or wrong. If it indeed is your lifelong goal, then I would encourage you to fulfill that goal. But if what you really want in life is not based on your looks then I encourage you to put your appearance in perspective and spend your energy to pursue other goals.)
______________________________
Nutrition Q & A: Why Not Diet?
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
Q: In your last newsletter you warned us about diets. So what’s wrong with dieting? Losing 5 lbs can’t be that bad for you, can it?
A: Dieting, even for 5 lbs, says that you believe weight has to be managed and forced. In other words you are in the "control camp". Your efforts to lose 5 lbs will involve controlling your food intake, that is, deciding to restrict some kind(s) of foods or amounts. That effort has serious repercussions of which the physical ones alone are quite troublesome.
It has been well documented and publicized that dieting doesn’t work. When people lose weight on a diet they sooner or later gain it back. Weight loss tends to erode lean body tissue (muscles and organs) and weight regain tends to restore fat. That is just a part of the physiological response.
Our need for food (energy) is so essential and primal that if we are not getting enough energy, our bodies naturally compensate with powerful biological and psychological mechanisms. For example, an overwhelming craving for food, especially high-fat, high-sugar food is simply part of the enormous biological pressure to restore caloric balance and body weight. A goal of a 5 lbs loss through dieting, (with a likely regain), sets you on a path of dieting, bingeing, and dieting again . . . and so on.
So if you are not in the "control camp" where can you go? The "trust camp”! There are now many good resources to support you in this direction. A list of readings will follow. Ellyn Satter, a specialist in eating problems (a dietitian who is also a psychotherapist) states it this way:
"You don’t have to be thin to be healthy. You can take good care of yourself with eating. You can take good care of yourself with activity. And you can let yourself weigh what you will in response to these positive behaviors. Healthy weight is what you maintain without too much trouble".
Here are some supportive books to keep handy as you journey into the "trust camp":
Big Fat Lies, Glenn Gaesser (caution: ignore the section on the 20% fat diet, which is controversial, and will just emphasize the diet mentality)
Intuitive Eating, Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch (special interest: chapter 6 – Honor your Hunger)
Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family, Ellyn Satter (special interest: Appendix D)
When Women Stop Hating their Bodies, Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter Marianne Evans-Ramsay can help those trying to journey into the “trust camp”. She will be co-leading Joyful and Healthful Eating: Women’s Health and Soy, “Make Peace With Food at the Farm”, Joyful and Healthful Eating: Women’s Health and Calcium.
____________________________
The Power of Planning
Marita Mecca, MA
From time to time, we ask other professionals to write about subjects that interest our readers.
Picture this: John and Lisa excitedly set out for a weekend get-away. John planned the weekend and told Lisa “Sit back and enjoy the ride.” About an hour into the trip Lisa realizes that John is lost and they've been driving around in circles. Although John had a general idea of where their destination was located, he didn't get exact directions, nor did he bring a map. He refuses to stop and ask for directions (too embarrassing). Lisa notices the gas gauge is low and points out a sign for a gas station. John waves off her concern and says that they have plenty of gas for the remainder of the trip. But soon they are lost again on a lonesome stretch of highway with the gas gauge officially on "E" and no exit signs in sight.
What was intended to be a fun and relaxing trip now sounds frustrating at least, nightmarish, at most, right? What is your opinion of John? While he seems to have had very good intentions toward providing Lisa with a pleasurable experience, you probably have some suggestions for how John can improve as a host and a navigator.
For those of us who are recovering from eating disorders, I think we often find ourselves doing the same things that John did. We are often unprepared to navigate our way through each day. We may not plan enough for the transitions in our day that find us feeling lost and low on fuel. We do not take the time to create a new map for the times when we feel depleted, lonely, and scared. We are too embarrassed to ask for support. Then we have no choice but to use our eating disorder as a way to navigate through these times. After turning to our eating disorder to get us "unlost," we feel frustrated. We wonder what it's going to take for us to stop these troublesome behaviors.
Here's what I believe it takes to stop going down the old familiar road of an eating disorder: intentional planning of each day, including specific ways to fuel and refuel. Are you willing to list out what you do with each hour of your day? If you do this for several days, you will begin to see the vulnerable places within your day. You can then get support in planning for these vulnerable spots. This may mean a simple shift like calling a friend to discuss your day instead of turning the television on when you get home from work. Or it can mean making a big change such as signing up for three different evening activities so that you transform lonely weekday evenings into evenings of connection and human interaction.
Regardless of the kinds of changes that you make, they will take commitment and vulnerability to enact. However, the results will be dramatic and powerful. What has helped me is to join with people who are also actively making changes in their lives. Together, we support one another to do the hard things that we don't always want to do but that will ultimately serve us. I also search my heart to identify the kinds of experiences and people that make my heart sing, and then I consciously build these into each day.
The three things that I value most are meaningful interaction with others, using my creativity, and learning. When I make it a priority to build each of these in both my work life and my leisure time, I am fueled and I can guarantee that my eating disorder isn't an issue.
________________________________
Re-Discovering Pleasurable Eating
Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
"With all the talk about health and nutrition, it's easy to lose sight of the simple pleasure of eating."
This quote from the March issue of Dr. Andrew Weil's newsletter ‘Self Healing’, addresses an issue many of us confront. Many people go to see a nutritionist because they are struggling with what they believe they “should” be eating versus what they wind up eating. Many people are confused and frustrated by the mixed nutrition messages in the media. We are bombarded with "do's and don'ts" and it is difficult to know who or what you should believe.
Dr. Paul Rozin, a psychology professor at the University of Pennsylvania, has surveyed more than 1,000 people, mostly in America and France, about their feelings toward food and eating. He found significant differences between the two countries. "There is a sense among Americans that food is as much a poison as it is a nutrient, and that eating is almost as dangerous as not eating," Dr. Rosin wrote in a recent issue of the journal Appetite. He was quoted in the NY Times, (November 21,1999) as saying "It is not unreasonable to assume that when a major aspect of life becomes a stress and source of substantial worry, as opposed to a pleasure, effects might be seen in both cardiovascular and immune systems." Dr. Rosin suggests that the positive attitude the French have toward their food is part of the explanation for their lower levels of heart disease, despite a diet high in what we call "bad" fats.
Many experts in the field are recognizing the importance of enjoying eating. In Dr. Andrew Weil's latest book, Eating Well for Optimum Health, he encourages "eating mindfully - bringing moment to moment consciousness to the act of eating." He encourages people to "take the time to enjoy your meal, so you'll nourish your body as well as your soul." Here at The Awakening Center, we have been advocating making peace with food for many years.
In our workshop, "Make Peace With Food" participants are given the opportunity to "eat mindfully." Together we explore some of the many physical characteristics of food. In a safe and comfortable environment we try to reconnect eating to our physical needs, such as hunger or thirst, as well as to physical satisfaction. We are encouraged to take the time to use all our senses to bring increased awareness to our food and the process of eating it. So, we notice the color, shape, and texture of the food. We pay attention to the aroma of the food. As we put the food in our mouth we focus on how it feels in our mouth, and against our teeth and tongue. We discuss how eating this way feels. In our culture, so often we take a "mindless," "fast food" approach to eating. Some believe this loss in pleasure of eating contributes to overeating, as we try to compensate for the loss in satisfaction.
During the next few months, Marianne and I will be offering a new series of programs developed to help people on this path of rediscovering pleasurable eating. We invite you to come and try new and old foods in a positive, supportive environment. We believe that eating for health and eating for enjoyment are not incompatible. These cooking and tasting programs were designed to help you experience "Joyful and Healthful Eating."
Joyful and healthful eating go hand in hand. Both will blossom in a safe, nonjudgmental setting. Joyful eating primarily stems from being free to explore the sensual aspects of the food experience. Healthful eating primarily stems from identifying, interpreting, and meeting physical needs.
We will help you to:
challenge learned ideas about healthy eating
discover motivators that make eating a priority
cultivate a new relationship with food by following it back to the soil
experience horticultural therapy as you work with foods as they grow in the field
experience the spiritual and sensual aspects of food in a safe environment
________________________
- What Do You Value? - Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
- Nutrition Q&A: Why Not Diet? - Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
- The Power of Planning - Marita Mecca, MA
- Re-Discovering Pleasurable Eating - Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
What Do You Value?
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
I want you to stop reading right now, go get a pen and several sheets of paper. Then I want you to turn off your judgments, thoughts and fears. Close your eyes and go inward to a quiet place inside you, to a calm feeling of wisdom, a place that just “knows” what is best for you. And from that place, answer the following three questions.
1) What would you have to do or accomplish between now, May 2000, and the year you are 99 years old, in order for you to sit back and say “Ah, that was a good life” ?
2) What would you like your friends to say at your eulogy? What do you want them to remember about you?
3) If you only had six months to live (active and healthy for all that time), how would you spend it?
This is an exercise I often give to my clients. It helps us clarify what is important to us, what are our values, what our goals are. Most people have specific goals in mind. They want to have satisfying careers and fulfilling relationships. Some know that they want to get married and have children. Many want to make the world a better place, to help others. Almost all want their friends to remember them as being generous, loving, caring, kind, a good listener, fun, having a sense of humor. For the last six months of their life, most would travel, take risks, have fun, spend time with loving friends and family.
In the 14 years that I have been treating women with eating disorders, not once did a client say: “I want to be on the cover of Cosmo*. I want my friends to remember I wore a size 2, and I’d spend the last six months of my life over-exercising and starving myself.” But to look at how we live our lives, that is what appears to be important, what we value most.
Usually these things become important because we’ve never stopped to think about what we value, deep inside. When we sacrifice our “selves” to please others we often lose a sense of purpose, meaning and direction in life. When we reclaim our sense of self, we can live each day according to our own beliefs, values and with a direction to achieve what is important to us.
When I was in the midst of my eating disorder, I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, what I liked or valued. I based my behavior on who was around me, often feeling like a chameleon, changing to fit my surroundings. My lack of direction made me feel out of control, at the fate of those around me. Because I felt so empty inside, I invested a lot of energy in my appearance, what I ate, how thin I could be.
During my recovery, I had to rediscover who I was, what I believed in. It was through this inner discovery process that I realized that I was good at helping others and I wanted to make a difference in the world. When I reclaimed these parts of myself, I felt my life had a direction and a purpose. I could then live my life mindfully, emphasizing what was really important to me. Rather than starving myself, I reminded myself that feeding my body was important so that it could do the things I needed to do in order to accomplish my goals. Instead of filling my mind with calculations of fat grams, calories or exercise reps, I filled my mind with knowledge about the things I valued. In place of worrying about whether I was the fattest or thinnest woman in the room, I decided to stop “competing”. I concentrated on talking to others on a genuine human-to-human level.
Look at what you wrote. How can you live your life according to your values on a daily basis? What can you do to become mindful of what is really important to you in the long run? What thoughts do you need to replace because they are not conducive to achieving your goals?
I encourage you to live each day to the fullest, mindful of what is really important to you.
Amy Grabowski is writing a book about eating disorders and recovery. She invites you to share any insights you have learned from this article: what is important to you, what you value most, how you will live your life in response to this insight.
(*I do not want to imply that wanting to be on the cover of Cosmo magazine is somehow bad or wrong. If it indeed is your lifelong goal, then I would encourage you to fulfill that goal. But if what you really want in life is not based on your looks then I encourage you to put your appearance in perspective and spend your energy to pursue other goals.)
______________________________
Nutrition Q & A: Why Not Diet?
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
Q: In your last newsletter you warned us about diets. So what’s wrong with dieting? Losing 5 lbs can’t be that bad for you, can it?
A: Dieting, even for 5 lbs, says that you believe weight has to be managed and forced. In other words you are in the "control camp". Your efforts to lose 5 lbs will involve controlling your food intake, that is, deciding to restrict some kind(s) of foods or amounts. That effort has serious repercussions of which the physical ones alone are quite troublesome.
It has been well documented and publicized that dieting doesn’t work. When people lose weight on a diet they sooner or later gain it back. Weight loss tends to erode lean body tissue (muscles and organs) and weight regain tends to restore fat. That is just a part of the physiological response.
Our need for food (energy) is so essential and primal that if we are not getting enough energy, our bodies naturally compensate with powerful biological and psychological mechanisms. For example, an overwhelming craving for food, especially high-fat, high-sugar food is simply part of the enormous biological pressure to restore caloric balance and body weight. A goal of a 5 lbs loss through dieting, (with a likely regain), sets you on a path of dieting, bingeing, and dieting again . . . and so on.
So if you are not in the "control camp" where can you go? The "trust camp”! There are now many good resources to support you in this direction. A list of readings will follow. Ellyn Satter, a specialist in eating problems (a dietitian who is also a psychotherapist) states it this way:
"You don’t have to be thin to be healthy. You can take good care of yourself with eating. You can take good care of yourself with activity. And you can let yourself weigh what you will in response to these positive behaviors. Healthy weight is what you maintain without too much trouble".
Here are some supportive books to keep handy as you journey into the "trust camp":
Big Fat Lies, Glenn Gaesser (caution: ignore the section on the 20% fat diet, which is controversial, and will just emphasize the diet mentality)
Intuitive Eating, Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch (special interest: chapter 6 – Honor your Hunger)
Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family, Ellyn Satter (special interest: Appendix D)
When Women Stop Hating their Bodies, Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter Marianne Evans-Ramsay can help those trying to journey into the “trust camp”. She will be co-leading Joyful and Healthful Eating: Women’s Health and Soy, “Make Peace With Food at the Farm”, Joyful and Healthful Eating: Women’s Health and Calcium.
____________________________
The Power of Planning
Marita Mecca, MA
From time to time, we ask other professionals to write about subjects that interest our readers.
Picture this: John and Lisa excitedly set out for a weekend get-away. John planned the weekend and told Lisa “Sit back and enjoy the ride.” About an hour into the trip Lisa realizes that John is lost and they've been driving around in circles. Although John had a general idea of where their destination was located, he didn't get exact directions, nor did he bring a map. He refuses to stop and ask for directions (too embarrassing). Lisa notices the gas gauge is low and points out a sign for a gas station. John waves off her concern and says that they have plenty of gas for the remainder of the trip. But soon they are lost again on a lonesome stretch of highway with the gas gauge officially on "E" and no exit signs in sight.
What was intended to be a fun and relaxing trip now sounds frustrating at least, nightmarish, at most, right? What is your opinion of John? While he seems to have had very good intentions toward providing Lisa with a pleasurable experience, you probably have some suggestions for how John can improve as a host and a navigator.
For those of us who are recovering from eating disorders, I think we often find ourselves doing the same things that John did. We are often unprepared to navigate our way through each day. We may not plan enough for the transitions in our day that find us feeling lost and low on fuel. We do not take the time to create a new map for the times when we feel depleted, lonely, and scared. We are too embarrassed to ask for support. Then we have no choice but to use our eating disorder as a way to navigate through these times. After turning to our eating disorder to get us "unlost," we feel frustrated. We wonder what it's going to take for us to stop these troublesome behaviors.
Here's what I believe it takes to stop going down the old familiar road of an eating disorder: intentional planning of each day, including specific ways to fuel and refuel. Are you willing to list out what you do with each hour of your day? If you do this for several days, you will begin to see the vulnerable places within your day. You can then get support in planning for these vulnerable spots. This may mean a simple shift like calling a friend to discuss your day instead of turning the television on when you get home from work. Or it can mean making a big change such as signing up for three different evening activities so that you transform lonely weekday evenings into evenings of connection and human interaction.
Regardless of the kinds of changes that you make, they will take commitment and vulnerability to enact. However, the results will be dramatic and powerful. What has helped me is to join with people who are also actively making changes in their lives. Together, we support one another to do the hard things that we don't always want to do but that will ultimately serve us. I also search my heart to identify the kinds of experiences and people that make my heart sing, and then I consciously build these into each day.
The three things that I value most are meaningful interaction with others, using my creativity, and learning. When I make it a priority to build each of these in both my work life and my leisure time, I am fueled and I can guarantee that my eating disorder isn't an issue.
________________________________
Re-Discovering Pleasurable Eating
Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
"With all the talk about health and nutrition, it's easy to lose sight of the simple pleasure of eating."
This quote from the March issue of Dr. Andrew Weil's newsletter ‘Self Healing’, addresses an issue many of us confront. Many people go to see a nutritionist because they are struggling with what they believe they “should” be eating versus what they wind up eating. Many people are confused and frustrated by the mixed nutrition messages in the media. We are bombarded with "do's and don'ts" and it is difficult to know who or what you should believe.
Dr. Paul Rozin, a psychology professor at the University of Pennsylvania, has surveyed more than 1,000 people, mostly in America and France, about their feelings toward food and eating. He found significant differences between the two countries. "There is a sense among Americans that food is as much a poison as it is a nutrient, and that eating is almost as dangerous as not eating," Dr. Rosin wrote in a recent issue of the journal Appetite. He was quoted in the NY Times, (November 21,1999) as saying "It is not unreasonable to assume that when a major aspect of life becomes a stress and source of substantial worry, as opposed to a pleasure, effects might be seen in both cardiovascular and immune systems." Dr. Rosin suggests that the positive attitude the French have toward their food is part of the explanation for their lower levels of heart disease, despite a diet high in what we call "bad" fats.
Many experts in the field are recognizing the importance of enjoying eating. In Dr. Andrew Weil's latest book, Eating Well for Optimum Health, he encourages "eating mindfully - bringing moment to moment consciousness to the act of eating." He encourages people to "take the time to enjoy your meal, so you'll nourish your body as well as your soul." Here at The Awakening Center, we have been advocating making peace with food for many years.
In our workshop, "Make Peace With Food" participants are given the opportunity to "eat mindfully." Together we explore some of the many physical characteristics of food. In a safe and comfortable environment we try to reconnect eating to our physical needs, such as hunger or thirst, as well as to physical satisfaction. We are encouraged to take the time to use all our senses to bring increased awareness to our food and the process of eating it. So, we notice the color, shape, and texture of the food. We pay attention to the aroma of the food. As we put the food in our mouth we focus on how it feels in our mouth, and against our teeth and tongue. We discuss how eating this way feels. In our culture, so often we take a "mindless," "fast food" approach to eating. Some believe this loss in pleasure of eating contributes to overeating, as we try to compensate for the loss in satisfaction.
During the next few months, Marianne and I will be offering a new series of programs developed to help people on this path of rediscovering pleasurable eating. We invite you to come and try new and old foods in a positive, supportive environment. We believe that eating for health and eating for enjoyment are not incompatible. These cooking and tasting programs were designed to help you experience "Joyful and Healthful Eating."
Joyful and healthful eating go hand in hand. Both will blossom in a safe, nonjudgmental setting. Joyful eating primarily stems from being free to explore the sensual aspects of the food experience. Healthful eating primarily stems from identifying, interpreting, and meeting physical needs.
We will help you to:
challenge learned ideas about healthy eating
discover motivators that make eating a priority
cultivate a new relationship with food by following it back to the soil
experience horticultural therapy as you work with foods as they grow in the field
experience the spiritual and sensual aspects of food in a safe environment
________________________
September–December 2000
Get Out Of Your Head!!!
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
"I have read every book there is on eating disorders. I could recite everything there is about eating disorders. I don’t understand why I can’t get it through my head and just eat normally. I don’t know what’s wrong with me."
When I hear this from clients or from members of the ANAD support group, I tell them, "Recovery isn’t through the head, we can’t think our way to recovery, you have to recover through your body." My response is usually met with quizzical looks. Most women with eating disorders live their lives in their heads, almost as if they have vacated their bodies. They are adept at thinking their way out of anything, out of their emotions, even their body sensations for hunger, fullness, fatigue and thirst. In order to recover, they need to get out of their heads and back into their bodies.
"What do you mean get out of my head?" Well first I must reiterate that eating disorders are not about food, eating or weight, but rather a lack of a sense of "self" - kind of like going downhill, on a winding mountain road, at night, in a horrendous thunderstorm, on a bus, WITHOUT A DRIVER!! It is very scary, like life is spinning out of control around you and there’s nothing you can do about it!
The "missing self" is often experienced as an inner emptiness, dark and frightening - and because the person knows something is missing but doesn’t know what - often this emptiness is judged as "I’m wrong, bad or defective. "
But you were not born this way, I guarantee it!
When you were born you were whole and perfect in everyway!! Around the age of 2 you formed a sense of self. Children of this age are very physical and express their likes & dislikes mainly through their bodies and voices. Picture yourself at 2 and maybe you’ll see a child running through a backyard sprinkler, laughing aloud. You felt good about your "self" and about your body.
This is also when you discovered a very powerful word: "NO!" (Kind of like "I disagree, therefore I am!") Each time a child says "No, I don’t like that" she is actually affirming her sense of self. And if you were raised in the "Mr. Rogers" style of parenting you would be told, "You are perfect just being you", "People can like you just the way you are". This also affirms your sense of self.
But most women who have eating disorders were not raised in this manner. They learned early on "In order to be loved by you , I have to give up pieces of being me." (Of course being born a female in a male-dominated society that says "Women should not express anger, be loud, speak their minds, be too physically active, have an appetite for food or sex" just sets the stage for these kinds of messages.)
Think back and remember what you were taught early on about being your "self". Were you called a crybaby, or told you were too sensitive? Then you had to sacrifice your emotions in order to please someone else. And since you couldn’t, you replaced being comfortable with your emotions with shame
"What’s wrong with me that I have these feelings?"
Maybe you were placed in the role of being your mother’s mother. You had to sacrifice your need for nurturance in order to take care of her. Again, when you couldn’t, you thought "I’m too needy." Every time your feelings were invalidated: ("I’m sad." "No, you’re not. You have nothing to be sad about"), you stopped trusting your feelings and self-doubt grew. If you lived in an abusive environment where you were told that you were worthless, unlovable, or unwanted, you stopped feeling good and believed these messages instead.
So, scattered in your past are pieces of your "self", and where your "self" should have been you began to feel a "hole". If you have no sense of self, the body becomes simply an empty container, a thing. And of course how that thing, that container looks becomes very important. "I have to look good in order to be worthy." "I don’t know who I am, so I have to act how others want me to be."
What happens then is that rather than trust our "self" which speaks to us through our body (our gut wisdom), we start to live in our head. We think about everything. And we get very good at talking ourselves out of anything. Rather than trust our emotions, we say things like "He didn’t really mean to hurt my feelings, he’s just tired." Or "I shouldn’t be angry, I must have done something to deserve this." "I can’t speak up, no one will ever like or love me if I complain." And because we don’t trust our bodies either, especially with our emphasis on "looking good" in a society that says you have to be "pin thin" in order to be beautiful, we can talk ourselves out of listening to our body cues too. "I can’t really be hungry, I just ate an apple three hours ago." "No one else is eating, so I shouldn’t need to eat yet either." "I’m not really tired today, I’m just a lazy slug."
"So what can be done about this?" The goal is to turn off the head long enough to listen to that very quiet voice inside that "knows". I’m not talking about a thinking kind of knowing, but a deep "gut instinct" kind of knowing. This is the voice of the "self", what I often refer to as "Wisdom". It is often difficult for clients to listen to wisdom because the voices of their other parts are usually so much louder and more urgent. These voices are also more familiar because you’ve been listening to them so much longer. In order to get to "wisdom", you may need to imagine wading through a crowd of people who all want to get your attention, telling each one, "I’ll be with you in a moment" or "I’ll be right back". Sometimes I’ll suggest that a client visualize turning off switches that control speakers, so that the voices are quiet enough to hear "wisdom".
"So what? Why would I want to listen to wisdom?" When you are in wisdom, in your "self", you feel centered and calm. A quiet peacefulness comes over you. You feel more assured, more confident in your ability to handle whatever comes your way. When you find your "self" its like getting into the drivers seat of that bus. Most people say the first thing they would do is put their foot on the brake and slow down. By steering the bus themselves you take control of your life, its not so scary and out of control.
In the next newsletter I will write more about the "self" especially about using the self to get the "parts" back in balance and harmony. In the meantime you may want help finding your "self" and can do so by taking the MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR SELF workshop on October 14. You also will experience the "self" in our other MAKE PEACE workshops and in the new therapy group I am starting on Thursday evening. I also recommend the following books which describe further the sacrifice of the sense of self: When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends by Victoria Secunda, The Drama of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller, and Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher.
Note from Amy:
I received this letter from a member of the ANAD support group and since it really spells out the benefit of the group, I wanted to share it here.
It’s nearly 2:00am and instead of going to the kitchen, I decided to do something worthwhile and I am glad.
I find "group" a source of strength when I am feeling weak. After going through days of bingeing, inner voice criticizing, and body image paranoia, I find it relieving to share my frustrations with women at group who understand. Each time I go, I am amazed at the similar problems every person in the room undergoes. Poor self-esteem, over-worry, fear and lack of self-love seem to be the underlying culprit of the starving, purging, and bingeing of food. Yet, looking at the circle of beautiful, strong and incredibly intelligent women sitting there, one would never guess these internal problems lie at the base of their existence.
The ability to verbalize about my eating disorder to another person is the most valuable gift I have received from group. Not only am I able to talk in detail about my self-defeating habits with food and inner thoughts with the people in group, I have opened up to the ones who mean the most in my life regarding my eating disorder. I could never have accomplished this and felt good about it without the support of group. I am learning that it is essential to be "me" and ANAD is there to help me discover my true self. I want to thank you for the past year and half of encouragement and love you have given me. You do such good in this world.
____________________________
Everyday Soulful Experiences With Food
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
When I was growing up in Connecticut there was a 100 acre farm across the road from our housing development. I remember the farmers, Pearl and Wilfred Lamb. They were down-to-earth, outspoken, elderly folks who loved shooting the breeze with my Dad. They had a dirt driveway that went past their house and storage barn ending at their farm stand. It was a small white building with a cement floor and the entrance was an open garage door. The produce sat in wooden boxes on shelves around the room affixed with price signs, a hanging scale and a cash register were in the corner.
In June we’d go up for strawberries. We’d usually opt to pick them from the field and end up with red sweet smelling stains on our shorts from squeezing in between the rows trying to reach all the berries under the leaves. As summer went on and I was old enough I was sent to walk up and buy family favorites of cucumbers, tomatoes, corn, and plums. I remember having to wait for just the right time when we could buy sweet corn.
Much has changed since that time. I dreamed of having a big garden to grow the majority of my own fruits and vegetables, but now I live an urban life with a small yard. Like the majority of Americans, many of my foods come from far away places. My choices of foods in the marketplace are now incredibly numerous compared to the time when I was growing up. One can get a grand variety of produce all year round. There is a multitude of packaged ready-made meals and snacks and thousands of new food items are introduced into the supermarket all the time.
We are also now generations removed from dietary customs which were based partly on necessity; eating what you can produce at home in your own garden or what is produced locally. We often bring home a packaged food, cook it and are taken back to the factory where it was made. We take colorful packages home and find when opened that the foods are similarly beige.
Linda Harper, a clinical psychologist, specializing in eating and diet-related problems offers help in discovering a new way to envision your relationship with food. In her book, The Tao of Eating, she writes, "This new approach combines the philosophy of Taoism – a return to nature - with the soulful approach to life – listening to your inner voice in your daily experiences. It allows you to discover your natural ability to make food choices that energize your body, enlighten your mind, and bring enjoyment to your soul."
In the last two years I’ve had an opportunity to once again connect with the farming community, the land, and my food. I (actually me and my family) became a shareholder with Angelic Organics Farm. This means that a preseason share is purchased and that results in a weekly bag of fresh produce during the 20 week harvest season. Experiencing seasonal, local produce June through October, going to visit the farmers, and seeing how the food grows in the field has been a way to feed my soul. The farm is not just for shareholders. Consider that survivors of torture, refugees, and others with trauma have had opportunities to come to the farm for horticultural therapy via the farms Learning Center. That’s the power of produce at its source!
The popularity of farmer’s markets is another opportunity in current times for the soulful path with food. Meeting farmers week after week, talking with them about their specialty crops and how to prepare them adds a deeper dimension to one’s food life. Dietitian Betsy Cashen writes, "When we are motivated to make changes because it represents an opportunity to add meaning to our life, that is when our actions have real significance."
To make a shift from the life-of-a-dieter to a more soulful eater consider the following exercise from Harper’s, The Tao of Eating:
Make a list entitled Rediscovering Food Choices. These are choices that would please your soul while helping to satisfy your body’s nutritional needs. Here is an idea of what this list might look like:
Try different kinds of bread. Visit a specialty bread shop or make homemade breads that meet your nutritional needs.
Hot and cold cereals mixed with fruit are delicious at breakfast, lunch, and dinner or as a snack.
A variety of fruit cut up and mixed together can be colorful, fun, and healthy. Throw in a new fruit.
It’s always fun to try a new vegetable soup, chili, and stew—or create your own. Throw in whatever you want.
Visit the local farm market or go fruit picking.
If you know you do not want to eat a fruit or a vegetable, don’t force it. Eat what you want.
____________________________
What is Normal Eating?
Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
In our culture so many of us struggle with this idea of "normal" eating. It is a relatively useless term when you consider what is "normal" in America is not "normal" in Asia or Africa or most parts of the world. If you gathered 10 dietitians together, they could argue for days on what is "normal" eating.
Recently a colleague shared with me the following definition of "normal" eating. It is from an excellent new book by Ellyn Satter titled Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family, ©1999. This highly recommended book can provide inspiration and guidance for many of us. It is readily available through most bookstores and has many "pearls of wisdom" to offer. Here is one:
WHAT IS NORMAL EATING?
Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied.
Normal eating is being able to choose food you like and to eat it and truly get enough of it - not just stopping because you think you should.
Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food.
Normal eating is sometimes giving yourself permission to eat because you are happy, sad, or bored, or just because it feels good.
Normal eating is three meals a day - or four or five - or it can be choosing to munch along the way.
Normal eating is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or eating more now because they taste so wonderful.
Normal eating is overeating at times; feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more.
Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating.
Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.
In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food, and your feelings.
________________________
If It Feels Good Do It!
Marilyn Glielmi
From time to time we ask other professionals to write about a subject that we feel would be of interest to our readers. Marilyn Glielmi along with Elisa and Marianne will be presenting the video "Body Trust" on November 6. How many times have you been told to exercise more and eat less? Has it helped you to be healthier? The use of external eating and exercise directives is not working very well at all. Most people do not participate in a regular exercise program and the long-term result is guilt and frustration.
Close your eyes and picture children at play - running, jumping, skipping rope and playing hopscotch. They move because it feels good, and their bodies respond by wanting to move more. We adults have lost touch with the intrinsic pleasure in exercise. By rediscovering the joy of movement, we can learn to love exercise.
Recommendations for beginning a pleasure-based exercise program:
Focus on your body’s current needs and living for the moment. Check in with your body. Get in touch with yourself and the way you feel. Ask yourself what you like. This will be your guide for determining what activities will please your body.
Pay attention to how your body responds to an activity. Try new things. Ask yourself about your parent’s exercise habits as well as your childhood experiences with exercise. This may impact on your current attitudes toward exercise.
Feel the instant result and gratification of exercise - increased vibrancy, balance, peace, playfulness and focus.
______________________________
The Power of Art Therapy
Elizabeth "E.J." Wilton
EJ Wilton is a second year Art Therapy graduate student intern from The Adler School of Professional Psychology.
Art therapy is a powerful experience that brings order out of chaos by integrating a person’s body, thoughts and feelings into an organized core-self through creative expression.
Many who first hear of art therapy initially may feel intimidated because they fear they "can't draw" or "can't create". We are all creative beings that all have the capacity for self-expression when given the opportunity to do so in a safe environment. The goal of art therapy is to elicit the truest and most honest expressions of "self" in a nurturing and nonjudgmental atmosphere.
The power of art therapy helps in discovering deeper levels of one's self and the world and to establish a peaceful relationship between the two.
- Get Out Of Your Head!!! - Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
- Everyday Soulful Experiences With Food - Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
- What is Normal Eating? - Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
- If It Feels Good Do It! - Marilyn Glielmi
- The Power of Art Therapy - Elizabeth "E.J." Wilton
Get Out Of Your Head!!!
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
"I have read every book there is on eating disorders. I could recite everything there is about eating disorders. I don’t understand why I can’t get it through my head and just eat normally. I don’t know what’s wrong with me."
When I hear this from clients or from members of the ANAD support group, I tell them, "Recovery isn’t through the head, we can’t think our way to recovery, you have to recover through your body." My response is usually met with quizzical looks. Most women with eating disorders live their lives in their heads, almost as if they have vacated their bodies. They are adept at thinking their way out of anything, out of their emotions, even their body sensations for hunger, fullness, fatigue and thirst. In order to recover, they need to get out of their heads and back into their bodies.
"What do you mean get out of my head?" Well first I must reiterate that eating disorders are not about food, eating or weight, but rather a lack of a sense of "self" - kind of like going downhill, on a winding mountain road, at night, in a horrendous thunderstorm, on a bus, WITHOUT A DRIVER!! It is very scary, like life is spinning out of control around you and there’s nothing you can do about it!
The "missing self" is often experienced as an inner emptiness, dark and frightening - and because the person knows something is missing but doesn’t know what - often this emptiness is judged as "I’m wrong, bad or defective. "
But you were not born this way, I guarantee it!
When you were born you were whole and perfect in everyway!! Around the age of 2 you formed a sense of self. Children of this age are very physical and express their likes & dislikes mainly through their bodies and voices. Picture yourself at 2 and maybe you’ll see a child running through a backyard sprinkler, laughing aloud. You felt good about your "self" and about your body.
This is also when you discovered a very powerful word: "NO!" (Kind of like "I disagree, therefore I am!") Each time a child says "No, I don’t like that" she is actually affirming her sense of self. And if you were raised in the "Mr. Rogers" style of parenting you would be told, "You are perfect just being you", "People can like you just the way you are". This also affirms your sense of self.
But most women who have eating disorders were not raised in this manner. They learned early on "In order to be loved by you , I have to give up pieces of being me." (Of course being born a female in a male-dominated society that says "Women should not express anger, be loud, speak their minds, be too physically active, have an appetite for food or sex" just sets the stage for these kinds of messages.)
Think back and remember what you were taught early on about being your "self". Were you called a crybaby, or told you were too sensitive? Then you had to sacrifice your emotions in order to please someone else. And since you couldn’t, you replaced being comfortable with your emotions with shame
"What’s wrong with me that I have these feelings?"
Maybe you were placed in the role of being your mother’s mother. You had to sacrifice your need for nurturance in order to take care of her. Again, when you couldn’t, you thought "I’m too needy." Every time your feelings were invalidated: ("I’m sad." "No, you’re not. You have nothing to be sad about"), you stopped trusting your feelings and self-doubt grew. If you lived in an abusive environment where you were told that you were worthless, unlovable, or unwanted, you stopped feeling good and believed these messages instead.
So, scattered in your past are pieces of your "self", and where your "self" should have been you began to feel a "hole". If you have no sense of self, the body becomes simply an empty container, a thing. And of course how that thing, that container looks becomes very important. "I have to look good in order to be worthy." "I don’t know who I am, so I have to act how others want me to be."
What happens then is that rather than trust our "self" which speaks to us through our body (our gut wisdom), we start to live in our head. We think about everything. And we get very good at talking ourselves out of anything. Rather than trust our emotions, we say things like "He didn’t really mean to hurt my feelings, he’s just tired." Or "I shouldn’t be angry, I must have done something to deserve this." "I can’t speak up, no one will ever like or love me if I complain." And because we don’t trust our bodies either, especially with our emphasis on "looking good" in a society that says you have to be "pin thin" in order to be beautiful, we can talk ourselves out of listening to our body cues too. "I can’t really be hungry, I just ate an apple three hours ago." "No one else is eating, so I shouldn’t need to eat yet either." "I’m not really tired today, I’m just a lazy slug."
"So what can be done about this?" The goal is to turn off the head long enough to listen to that very quiet voice inside that "knows". I’m not talking about a thinking kind of knowing, but a deep "gut instinct" kind of knowing. This is the voice of the "self", what I often refer to as "Wisdom". It is often difficult for clients to listen to wisdom because the voices of their other parts are usually so much louder and more urgent. These voices are also more familiar because you’ve been listening to them so much longer. In order to get to "wisdom", you may need to imagine wading through a crowd of people who all want to get your attention, telling each one, "I’ll be with you in a moment" or "I’ll be right back". Sometimes I’ll suggest that a client visualize turning off switches that control speakers, so that the voices are quiet enough to hear "wisdom".
"So what? Why would I want to listen to wisdom?" When you are in wisdom, in your "self", you feel centered and calm. A quiet peacefulness comes over you. You feel more assured, more confident in your ability to handle whatever comes your way. When you find your "self" its like getting into the drivers seat of that bus. Most people say the first thing they would do is put their foot on the brake and slow down. By steering the bus themselves you take control of your life, its not so scary and out of control.
In the next newsletter I will write more about the "self" especially about using the self to get the "parts" back in balance and harmony. In the meantime you may want help finding your "self" and can do so by taking the MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR SELF workshop on October 14. You also will experience the "self" in our other MAKE PEACE workshops and in the new therapy group I am starting on Thursday evening. I also recommend the following books which describe further the sacrifice of the sense of self: When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends by Victoria Secunda, The Drama of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller, and Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher.
Note from Amy:
I received this letter from a member of the ANAD support group and since it really spells out the benefit of the group, I wanted to share it here.
It’s nearly 2:00am and instead of going to the kitchen, I decided to do something worthwhile and I am glad.
I find "group" a source of strength when I am feeling weak. After going through days of bingeing, inner voice criticizing, and body image paranoia, I find it relieving to share my frustrations with women at group who understand. Each time I go, I am amazed at the similar problems every person in the room undergoes. Poor self-esteem, over-worry, fear and lack of self-love seem to be the underlying culprit of the starving, purging, and bingeing of food. Yet, looking at the circle of beautiful, strong and incredibly intelligent women sitting there, one would never guess these internal problems lie at the base of their existence.
The ability to verbalize about my eating disorder to another person is the most valuable gift I have received from group. Not only am I able to talk in detail about my self-defeating habits with food and inner thoughts with the people in group, I have opened up to the ones who mean the most in my life regarding my eating disorder. I could never have accomplished this and felt good about it without the support of group. I am learning that it is essential to be "me" and ANAD is there to help me discover my true self. I want to thank you for the past year and half of encouragement and love you have given me. You do such good in this world.
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Everyday Soulful Experiences With Food
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
When I was growing up in Connecticut there was a 100 acre farm across the road from our housing development. I remember the farmers, Pearl and Wilfred Lamb. They were down-to-earth, outspoken, elderly folks who loved shooting the breeze with my Dad. They had a dirt driveway that went past their house and storage barn ending at their farm stand. It was a small white building with a cement floor and the entrance was an open garage door. The produce sat in wooden boxes on shelves around the room affixed with price signs, a hanging scale and a cash register were in the corner.
In June we’d go up for strawberries. We’d usually opt to pick them from the field and end up with red sweet smelling stains on our shorts from squeezing in between the rows trying to reach all the berries under the leaves. As summer went on and I was old enough I was sent to walk up and buy family favorites of cucumbers, tomatoes, corn, and plums. I remember having to wait for just the right time when we could buy sweet corn.
Much has changed since that time. I dreamed of having a big garden to grow the majority of my own fruits and vegetables, but now I live an urban life with a small yard. Like the majority of Americans, many of my foods come from far away places. My choices of foods in the marketplace are now incredibly numerous compared to the time when I was growing up. One can get a grand variety of produce all year round. There is a multitude of packaged ready-made meals and snacks and thousands of new food items are introduced into the supermarket all the time.
We are also now generations removed from dietary customs which were based partly on necessity; eating what you can produce at home in your own garden or what is produced locally. We often bring home a packaged food, cook it and are taken back to the factory where it was made. We take colorful packages home and find when opened that the foods are similarly beige.
Linda Harper, a clinical psychologist, specializing in eating and diet-related problems offers help in discovering a new way to envision your relationship with food. In her book, The Tao of Eating, she writes, "This new approach combines the philosophy of Taoism – a return to nature - with the soulful approach to life – listening to your inner voice in your daily experiences. It allows you to discover your natural ability to make food choices that energize your body, enlighten your mind, and bring enjoyment to your soul."
In the last two years I’ve had an opportunity to once again connect with the farming community, the land, and my food. I (actually me and my family) became a shareholder with Angelic Organics Farm. This means that a preseason share is purchased and that results in a weekly bag of fresh produce during the 20 week harvest season. Experiencing seasonal, local produce June through October, going to visit the farmers, and seeing how the food grows in the field has been a way to feed my soul. The farm is not just for shareholders. Consider that survivors of torture, refugees, and others with trauma have had opportunities to come to the farm for horticultural therapy via the farms Learning Center. That’s the power of produce at its source!
The popularity of farmer’s markets is another opportunity in current times for the soulful path with food. Meeting farmers week after week, talking with them about their specialty crops and how to prepare them adds a deeper dimension to one’s food life. Dietitian Betsy Cashen writes, "When we are motivated to make changes because it represents an opportunity to add meaning to our life, that is when our actions have real significance."
To make a shift from the life-of-a-dieter to a more soulful eater consider the following exercise from Harper’s, The Tao of Eating:
Make a list entitled Rediscovering Food Choices. These are choices that would please your soul while helping to satisfy your body’s nutritional needs. Here is an idea of what this list might look like:
Try different kinds of bread. Visit a specialty bread shop or make homemade breads that meet your nutritional needs.
Hot and cold cereals mixed with fruit are delicious at breakfast, lunch, and dinner or as a snack.
A variety of fruit cut up and mixed together can be colorful, fun, and healthy. Throw in a new fruit.
It’s always fun to try a new vegetable soup, chili, and stew—or create your own. Throw in whatever you want.
Visit the local farm market or go fruit picking.
If you know you do not want to eat a fruit or a vegetable, don’t force it. Eat what you want.
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What is Normal Eating?
Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
In our culture so many of us struggle with this idea of "normal" eating. It is a relatively useless term when you consider what is "normal" in America is not "normal" in Asia or Africa or most parts of the world. If you gathered 10 dietitians together, they could argue for days on what is "normal" eating.
Recently a colleague shared with me the following definition of "normal" eating. It is from an excellent new book by Ellyn Satter titled Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family, ©1999. This highly recommended book can provide inspiration and guidance for many of us. It is readily available through most bookstores and has many "pearls of wisdom" to offer. Here is one:
WHAT IS NORMAL EATING?
Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied.
Normal eating is being able to choose food you like and to eat it and truly get enough of it - not just stopping because you think you should.
Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food.
Normal eating is sometimes giving yourself permission to eat because you are happy, sad, or bored, or just because it feels good.
Normal eating is three meals a day - or four or five - or it can be choosing to munch along the way.
Normal eating is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or eating more now because they taste so wonderful.
Normal eating is overeating at times; feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more.
Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating.
Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.
In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food, and your feelings.
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If It Feels Good Do It!
Marilyn Glielmi
From time to time we ask other professionals to write about a subject that we feel would be of interest to our readers. Marilyn Glielmi along with Elisa and Marianne will be presenting the video "Body Trust" on November 6. How many times have you been told to exercise more and eat less? Has it helped you to be healthier? The use of external eating and exercise directives is not working very well at all. Most people do not participate in a regular exercise program and the long-term result is guilt and frustration.
Close your eyes and picture children at play - running, jumping, skipping rope and playing hopscotch. They move because it feels good, and their bodies respond by wanting to move more. We adults have lost touch with the intrinsic pleasure in exercise. By rediscovering the joy of movement, we can learn to love exercise.
Recommendations for beginning a pleasure-based exercise program:
Focus on your body’s current needs and living for the moment. Check in with your body. Get in touch with yourself and the way you feel. Ask yourself what you like. This will be your guide for determining what activities will please your body.
Pay attention to how your body responds to an activity. Try new things. Ask yourself about your parent’s exercise habits as well as your childhood experiences with exercise. This may impact on your current attitudes toward exercise.
Feel the instant result and gratification of exercise - increased vibrancy, balance, peace, playfulness and focus.
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The Power of Art Therapy
Elizabeth "E.J." Wilton
EJ Wilton is a second year Art Therapy graduate student intern from The Adler School of Professional Psychology.
Art therapy is a powerful experience that brings order out of chaos by integrating a person’s body, thoughts and feelings into an organized core-self through creative expression.
Many who first hear of art therapy initially may feel intimidated because they fear they "can't draw" or "can't create". We are all creative beings that all have the capacity for self-expression when given the opportunity to do so in a safe environment. The goal of art therapy is to elicit the truest and most honest expressions of "self" in a nurturing and nonjudgmental atmosphere.
The power of art therapy helps in discovering deeper levels of one's self and the world and to establish a peaceful relationship between the two.