1999 Newsletters
January–March 1999
Join The Club!
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
Congratulations! You made it through another holiday season. No matter what you said or didn’t say, what you did or didn’t do, what you ate or didn’t eat, you survived! You did your best. Did you, like so many of us, go “home for the holidays”? If you found yourself surrounded by craziness and chaos, but felt like you were the weirdo or oddball, then join the club! The Marilyn club! “Who or what is the Marilyn Club?” Well, I’m glad you asked. My dear good friend, Lexi and I started the Marilyn Club many, many years ago. After certain family events, we would call each other and talk for hours about our families. We started noticing certain patterns common to our families. One of these patterns was the family’s attitude that we were the “problem” and they were “normal”. I must admit that a small percentage of the time they were right. But many times we were given these messages for things like getting angry when someone hurt us or took advantage of us, for speaking up when we didn’t like something or when someone let us down, or being accused of being “too sensitive” when someone was being downright cruel or mean. We realized that many times after family events we would feel bad. We would wonder what was wrong with us. Why were we so “weird”? One day in a flash of insight, I remem-bered Marilyn from the old TV sitcom, “The Munsters”. Marilyn was the normal-looking niece who lived with the family. Lily, Herman, Eddy and Grampa were all monster-like characters. But was Marilyn seen as normal by the family? On the contrary. They often said things to her about how she was different or strange, and many times Lily would tell Marilyn to take typing or secretarial classes because “with her looks she could never get a husband”. (“Ha, Ha, Ha” goes the laugh track.) Think about it. Marilyn was the normal one who was out of place because she was surrounded by abnormal people. She was not the one with the problem. In a sitcom this may be funny, but in our lives it is not. It is painful! It destroys our self-esteem and makes us continually look at ourselves as defective, broken, bad or just wrong. We then spend a lot of time beating ourselves up or engaging in self-destructive behaviors. I believe that everyone can continually improve upon themselves, and we can constantly strive for self-actualization. But if we continually try to change ourselves fit in better with our families, we are actually perpetuating the problem rather than fixing it. If someone makes cruel comments, trying to be “less sensitive” will not make it more comfortable to go home. If standing up for yourself is discouraged, being a doormat is not the answer. Imagine Marilyn suddenly “seeing the light”. She stares in amazement at the others around her. The relief she feels is profound. “Hey everyone! I’m not the oddball around here. I’m normal! So stop treating me as if I’m not normal. Treat me with respect from now on.” (No laugh track here.) Sometimes when my family is doing it’s “thing”, I remind myself that “I am Marilyn. I am normal. They are not.” This is usually enough to distance me from the chaos or dysfunction. If I speak up and are told, verbally or nonverbally, that I am being “weird”, I can stand my ground by telling myself that assertiveness is “normal”. Over the years, they have gotten used to me this way. I don’t know if they will ever see me as “normal” or not. Their opinions of me really don’t matter to me anymore. I just know that when they roll their eyes or say “Here she goes again stirring up trouble...” I picture Marilyn smiling at me. We give each other a little knowing nod and sigh. If you consider yourself a member of the Marilyn Club, cut out the membership card below and carry it with pride.
“Unofficial Marilyn Club Membership Card”
Club motto: I am OK, I am normal Directions: Repeat club motto often
AMY GRABOWSKI, MA, LCPC, would like to thank Lexi for her support and friendship. Amy has 12 years experience helping women (and men) discover the person they were meant to be. If you would like to talk to her about this process, feel free to call her at (773) 929-6262 ext 1.
_______________________________________________
Beware of New Year’s Resolutions: Empowering Yourself to Change
Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
With the New Year always comes the barrage of weight loss advertisements and the pressure to lose weight or at least change your diet. It is a good time to step back and remind yourself that dieting is big, big business. In the US it is estimated that at least 50% of the population is on some kind of diet. The diet industry was a $32 BILLION business in the early 1990’s and that number was expected to double by the late 1990’s. However even with all this money spent, Americans are not any thinner. In fact, we are just as overweight as we were in the 1960’s. “Dieting may be a great disservice to obese people in this country,” says Susan C Wooley, PhD, co-director of the Eating Disorders Clinic and associate professor of Psychiatry at Cincinnati Medical College. “There are certain health problems associated with obesity, but also with thinness and apparently, weight cycling.” Dr. Wooley views chronic dieting as an eating disorder, much like bulimia or anorexia. She, along with many health experts, would like to see an end to all commercial weight loss programs. Can you imagine a January without all the ads and commercials for diet and weight loss programs?? Dr. Wooley admits, “The diet industry is gigantic, a major factor in US economics.” So what can we, the average American consumer, do? One thing for sure is to remember “Money talks”. Be careful how and where you spend your money. Be careful of what you are supporting. Choose foods and programs that promote overall health and well-being. Deborah Roussos, RD, MD, director of the nutrition center with Physician’s Plus Medical Group in Madison, Wisconsin, has advocated a non-diet philosophy for over a decade. “We need to promote positive eating behavior without telling people how much to eat,” Roussos states. “I changed my approach when I realized I didn’t eat the way I was trying to teach clients to eat, with calorie limits and exchanges.” Roussos also believes that breaking the diet-binge cycle is crucial before changes can be made in what people eat. In other words, working on ending bingeing and restricting has to be the first step in establishing a healthier diet. Research in the study of behavior change also shows it is essential to individualize programs and treatment plans to the individual rather than try to make the person fit the treatment program. People generally will adopt only those changes that suit their lifestyle. They also have to like the changes they are making to maintain them. Long-term change usually occurs slowly and in small increments. So, as we recover from the ups and downs of the holidays, and move into the New Year, look for ways to feel good about small dietary and activity changes. Celebrate your efforts and seek groups and individuals which help support these changes. (References: Jackson, Elizabeth G., Experts Speak Out: It’s Time to Give Up Dieting. Environmental Nutrition, 1992; Vol. 15; No 3.)
______________________
- Join the Club! - Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
- Beware of New Year’s Resolutions: Empowering Yourself to Change - Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
Join The Club!
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
Congratulations! You made it through another holiday season. No matter what you said or didn’t say, what you did or didn’t do, what you ate or didn’t eat, you survived! You did your best. Did you, like so many of us, go “home for the holidays”? If you found yourself surrounded by craziness and chaos, but felt like you were the weirdo or oddball, then join the club! The Marilyn club! “Who or what is the Marilyn Club?” Well, I’m glad you asked. My dear good friend, Lexi and I started the Marilyn Club many, many years ago. After certain family events, we would call each other and talk for hours about our families. We started noticing certain patterns common to our families. One of these patterns was the family’s attitude that we were the “problem” and they were “normal”. I must admit that a small percentage of the time they were right. But many times we were given these messages for things like getting angry when someone hurt us or took advantage of us, for speaking up when we didn’t like something or when someone let us down, or being accused of being “too sensitive” when someone was being downright cruel or mean. We realized that many times after family events we would feel bad. We would wonder what was wrong with us. Why were we so “weird”? One day in a flash of insight, I remem-bered Marilyn from the old TV sitcom, “The Munsters”. Marilyn was the normal-looking niece who lived with the family. Lily, Herman, Eddy and Grampa were all monster-like characters. But was Marilyn seen as normal by the family? On the contrary. They often said things to her about how she was different or strange, and many times Lily would tell Marilyn to take typing or secretarial classes because “with her looks she could never get a husband”. (“Ha, Ha, Ha” goes the laugh track.) Think about it. Marilyn was the normal one who was out of place because she was surrounded by abnormal people. She was not the one with the problem. In a sitcom this may be funny, but in our lives it is not. It is painful! It destroys our self-esteem and makes us continually look at ourselves as defective, broken, bad or just wrong. We then spend a lot of time beating ourselves up or engaging in self-destructive behaviors. I believe that everyone can continually improve upon themselves, and we can constantly strive for self-actualization. But if we continually try to change ourselves fit in better with our families, we are actually perpetuating the problem rather than fixing it. If someone makes cruel comments, trying to be “less sensitive” will not make it more comfortable to go home. If standing up for yourself is discouraged, being a doormat is not the answer. Imagine Marilyn suddenly “seeing the light”. She stares in amazement at the others around her. The relief she feels is profound. “Hey everyone! I’m not the oddball around here. I’m normal! So stop treating me as if I’m not normal. Treat me with respect from now on.” (No laugh track here.) Sometimes when my family is doing it’s “thing”, I remind myself that “I am Marilyn. I am normal. They are not.” This is usually enough to distance me from the chaos or dysfunction. If I speak up and are told, verbally or nonverbally, that I am being “weird”, I can stand my ground by telling myself that assertiveness is “normal”. Over the years, they have gotten used to me this way. I don’t know if they will ever see me as “normal” or not. Their opinions of me really don’t matter to me anymore. I just know that when they roll their eyes or say “Here she goes again stirring up trouble...” I picture Marilyn smiling at me. We give each other a little knowing nod and sigh. If you consider yourself a member of the Marilyn Club, cut out the membership card below and carry it with pride.
“Unofficial Marilyn Club Membership Card”
Club motto: I am OK, I am normal Directions: Repeat club motto often
AMY GRABOWSKI, MA, LCPC, would like to thank Lexi for her support and friendship. Amy has 12 years experience helping women (and men) discover the person they were meant to be. If you would like to talk to her about this process, feel free to call her at (773) 929-6262 ext 1.
_______________________________________________
Beware of New Year’s Resolutions: Empowering Yourself to Change
Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
With the New Year always comes the barrage of weight loss advertisements and the pressure to lose weight or at least change your diet. It is a good time to step back and remind yourself that dieting is big, big business. In the US it is estimated that at least 50% of the population is on some kind of diet. The diet industry was a $32 BILLION business in the early 1990’s and that number was expected to double by the late 1990’s. However even with all this money spent, Americans are not any thinner. In fact, we are just as overweight as we were in the 1960’s. “Dieting may be a great disservice to obese people in this country,” says Susan C Wooley, PhD, co-director of the Eating Disorders Clinic and associate professor of Psychiatry at Cincinnati Medical College. “There are certain health problems associated with obesity, but also with thinness and apparently, weight cycling.” Dr. Wooley views chronic dieting as an eating disorder, much like bulimia or anorexia. She, along with many health experts, would like to see an end to all commercial weight loss programs. Can you imagine a January without all the ads and commercials for diet and weight loss programs?? Dr. Wooley admits, “The diet industry is gigantic, a major factor in US economics.” So what can we, the average American consumer, do? One thing for sure is to remember “Money talks”. Be careful how and where you spend your money. Be careful of what you are supporting. Choose foods and programs that promote overall health and well-being. Deborah Roussos, RD, MD, director of the nutrition center with Physician’s Plus Medical Group in Madison, Wisconsin, has advocated a non-diet philosophy for over a decade. “We need to promote positive eating behavior without telling people how much to eat,” Roussos states. “I changed my approach when I realized I didn’t eat the way I was trying to teach clients to eat, with calorie limits and exchanges.” Roussos also believes that breaking the diet-binge cycle is crucial before changes can be made in what people eat. In other words, working on ending bingeing and restricting has to be the first step in establishing a healthier diet. Research in the study of behavior change also shows it is essential to individualize programs and treatment plans to the individual rather than try to make the person fit the treatment program. People generally will adopt only those changes that suit their lifestyle. They also have to like the changes they are making to maintain them. Long-term change usually occurs slowly and in small increments. So, as we recover from the ups and downs of the holidays, and move into the New Year, look for ways to feel good about small dietary and activity changes. Celebrate your efforts and seek groups and individuals which help support these changes. (References: Jackson, Elizabeth G., Experts Speak Out: It’s Time to Give Up Dieting. Environmental Nutrition, 1992; Vol. 15; No 3.)
______________________
May–August 1999
The Four Stages of Learning
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
One night in the Tuesday ANAD support group, a member excitedly talked about something she learned in her business class: The 4 Stages of Learning: 1) Unconscious Incompetence, 2) Conscious Incompetence, 3) Conscious Competence, and 4) Unconscious Competence. The first, “Unconscious Incompetence”, was described as being “blissful”. In this stage you can’t do something, but you are unaware that you can’t do it. Imagine a very small child happily playing a “song” on a piano. Then you move into the second stage “Conscious Incompetence” which is the most painful. It is the stage where you know you can’t do something, but don’t know how to fix it. Remember your first piano lesson and how awful you knew you sounded? The third stage “Conscious Competence” lasts the longest. You have to consciously work on the problem, deliberately choosing tools, making mindful effort everyday. Everything you do feels awkward and unnatural. This is like practicing the piano hour after hour on a difficult passage of music. The fourth and final stage is “Unconscious Competence”. This is where you can do something effortlessly and without thinking about it. It has become natural and second nature to you. A pianist playing a familiar piece of music from memory would be an example of this stage. A person would occasionally move back into the third stage, work on a problem consciously, then move back into the fourth stage. The group realized that the minute they realized they had a problem they were in the Conscious Incompetence stage, and they found this stage very painful and frustrating. Some who were farther along in their recovery felt that they were in the Conscious Competence stage, that everything was awkward and unnatural and had to be deliberately worked on. It was hopeful to also point out that the women who were in the group the longest said that they felt they had one foot in the last stage, Unconscious Competence, some of the parts of recovery were beginning to feel second nature and they didn’t have to think about it so much. The group discussed some of the skills necessary to recover and how hard it was to keep working mindfully and consciously in the “Conscious Competence” stage. Many acknowledged how hard it was to not give up when things didn’t feel natural after a short while. We realized that since we tended to be perfectionistic it was hard to stick to doing something that didn’t come naturally. We may have the best of intentions, but after the initial excitement of trying something new wore off many gave up after 3 to 5 days. Everyone started thinking of new possibilities when I told them that it took 21 days to make or break a habit. Maybe if they kept that timeframe in mind it would help them to stick to something, even though it didn’t feel comfortable or natural. I reminded them not to overwhelm themselves and try to take on too much at once. Sometimes we need to work on just one thing at a time. So we decided to make it a challenge, to pick one thing and to do it consistently for 21 days. It could be something very simple such as “I am going to repeat an affirmation every morning”. Or it could be risky and scary, such as “I will eat breakfast every morning, no matter what I’ve done the night before.” A little harder one might be “I will ask my critical part to talk to me like I would talk to a friend.” In the next newsletter I will let you know the results of our experiment. (If you want to try along with us, please remember to make your challenge something that you need to stretch to get to, but within a realistic reach. You may want to use a calendar to keep track of your progress and plan 21 little rewards to help yourself stick to it. When you reach your 21st day, please write or email me (awakeningcenter@sbcglobal.net) and let me know what happened. I’d love to hear from you. Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the leader of the Tuesday evening ANAD Support Group. For more information about this group, see page 3. Amy can be reached at: (773) 929-6262 ext 1.
____________________________
Nutrition Q&A: Snacking
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
Nutrition Q&A is a new column, by the Nutrition Counselors at The Awakening Center, that will answer your nutrition questions. You may send your nutrition questions by mail to The Awakening Center, Nutrition Q&A , 3166 N Lincoln, Ste 224, Chicago, IL 60657 or email.
Q: I’ve gotten myself into a pattern of starving all day and then eating a lot at night. My goal is to eventually eat meals and snacks, but to me snacking is cheating and I’m scared to do it. What do you suggest?
A: Moving from disordered eating to normalized eating can mean learning to fuel yourself regularly throughout the day. That may mean taking a risk and bringing food into the daytime versus saving it all for the privacy of the night hours when you are so often winding down. Taking this step usually involves snacking, in other words adding foods, and expanding your repertoire. A common nutrition “prescription” in this case is a trip to the grocery store. If my client hasn’t ever gone to an alternative grocer like “Whole Foods” I recommend that as a starting place. Here are some ideas of new and nutrient dense foods for you to fuel your body: Large assortments of sport snack bars Soy milks in different flavors Tofu pudding mixes Great breads Yogurts & soygurts Fruit smoothies A variety of hommus spreads and baked chips Interesting rice, couscous, and noodle salads at the deli Different snacks fit different situations. Approach this as an experiment with your body. Sometimes you need a snack with significant protein to last you a while and sometimes lighter snacks will do for a shorter interval before the next meal. Sometimes snacks help round-out the nutritional profile of what you eat. Are all the colors of snacks tan or brown after you open that colorful wrapper? Or are there several colors represented in your snacks? The greater variety in color enhances your chance of variety in nutrients. Keep in mind that the impact of nutrition on our health is determined over two to four weeks, not daily. Although National Nutrition Month is now past, this year’s theme is a good one to remember all year: Explore New Tastes.... Try New Foods! Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD has a gentle, wholistic, step-by-step approach to normalizing disordered eating styles.
____________________________________
“Why Don’t You Eat Your Vegetables and Go Out and Play!”
Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
This quote from Inez Lyons, the mother of author and educator Pat Lyons became the battle cry and bottom line of a three day conference sponsored by the American Dietetic Association. After all the research, discussion, and debate presented by experts in every aspect of health and nutrition was over, this simple statement summed it all up. The research is becoming more and more convincing that it is “eating and activity patterns” that help keep us healthy and not weight. There was a strong call to all dietitians, nutritionists, and health care providers to stop concentrating on weight and start talking about pleasant, enjoyable and moderate movement and eating. Hence the conclusion, “Why don’t we all eat our vegetables and go out and play!”
____________________________________
Letters From YOU!
“I can’t tell you enough how much I enjoyed the article on the Marilyn Club (Newsletter Vol 5, #1). It’s wonderful to know I’m not alone. Having dealt with these emotions for a long time it is comforting to know other people do see the world differently than others, or the main stream, and they are OK and not WEIRD. Thank you for taking the time to write such a wonderful piece.” G.M. (via email) We would like to hear from you. Your letters are important to us. Write to us via snail mail or email us.
______________________
- The Four Stages of Learning - Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
- Nutrition Q&A: Snacking - Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
- Why Don’t You Eat Your Vegetables and Go Out and Play! - Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
- Letters from You
The Four Stages of Learning
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
One night in the Tuesday ANAD support group, a member excitedly talked about something she learned in her business class: The 4 Stages of Learning: 1) Unconscious Incompetence, 2) Conscious Incompetence, 3) Conscious Competence, and 4) Unconscious Competence. The first, “Unconscious Incompetence”, was described as being “blissful”. In this stage you can’t do something, but you are unaware that you can’t do it. Imagine a very small child happily playing a “song” on a piano. Then you move into the second stage “Conscious Incompetence” which is the most painful. It is the stage where you know you can’t do something, but don’t know how to fix it. Remember your first piano lesson and how awful you knew you sounded? The third stage “Conscious Competence” lasts the longest. You have to consciously work on the problem, deliberately choosing tools, making mindful effort everyday. Everything you do feels awkward and unnatural. This is like practicing the piano hour after hour on a difficult passage of music. The fourth and final stage is “Unconscious Competence”. This is where you can do something effortlessly and without thinking about it. It has become natural and second nature to you. A pianist playing a familiar piece of music from memory would be an example of this stage. A person would occasionally move back into the third stage, work on a problem consciously, then move back into the fourth stage. The group realized that the minute they realized they had a problem they were in the Conscious Incompetence stage, and they found this stage very painful and frustrating. Some who were farther along in their recovery felt that they were in the Conscious Competence stage, that everything was awkward and unnatural and had to be deliberately worked on. It was hopeful to also point out that the women who were in the group the longest said that they felt they had one foot in the last stage, Unconscious Competence, some of the parts of recovery were beginning to feel second nature and they didn’t have to think about it so much. The group discussed some of the skills necessary to recover and how hard it was to keep working mindfully and consciously in the “Conscious Competence” stage. Many acknowledged how hard it was to not give up when things didn’t feel natural after a short while. We realized that since we tended to be perfectionistic it was hard to stick to doing something that didn’t come naturally. We may have the best of intentions, but after the initial excitement of trying something new wore off many gave up after 3 to 5 days. Everyone started thinking of new possibilities when I told them that it took 21 days to make or break a habit. Maybe if they kept that timeframe in mind it would help them to stick to something, even though it didn’t feel comfortable or natural. I reminded them not to overwhelm themselves and try to take on too much at once. Sometimes we need to work on just one thing at a time. So we decided to make it a challenge, to pick one thing and to do it consistently for 21 days. It could be something very simple such as “I am going to repeat an affirmation every morning”. Or it could be risky and scary, such as “I will eat breakfast every morning, no matter what I’ve done the night before.” A little harder one might be “I will ask my critical part to talk to me like I would talk to a friend.” In the next newsletter I will let you know the results of our experiment. (If you want to try along with us, please remember to make your challenge something that you need to stretch to get to, but within a realistic reach. You may want to use a calendar to keep track of your progress and plan 21 little rewards to help yourself stick to it. When you reach your 21st day, please write or email me (awakeningcenter@sbcglobal.net) and let me know what happened. I’d love to hear from you. Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the leader of the Tuesday evening ANAD Support Group. For more information about this group, see page 3. Amy can be reached at: (773) 929-6262 ext 1.
____________________________
Nutrition Q&A: Snacking
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
Nutrition Q&A is a new column, by the Nutrition Counselors at The Awakening Center, that will answer your nutrition questions. You may send your nutrition questions by mail to The Awakening Center, Nutrition Q&A , 3166 N Lincoln, Ste 224, Chicago, IL 60657 or email.
Q: I’ve gotten myself into a pattern of starving all day and then eating a lot at night. My goal is to eventually eat meals and snacks, but to me snacking is cheating and I’m scared to do it. What do you suggest?
A: Moving from disordered eating to normalized eating can mean learning to fuel yourself regularly throughout the day. That may mean taking a risk and bringing food into the daytime versus saving it all for the privacy of the night hours when you are so often winding down. Taking this step usually involves snacking, in other words adding foods, and expanding your repertoire. A common nutrition “prescription” in this case is a trip to the grocery store. If my client hasn’t ever gone to an alternative grocer like “Whole Foods” I recommend that as a starting place. Here are some ideas of new and nutrient dense foods for you to fuel your body: Large assortments of sport snack bars Soy milks in different flavors Tofu pudding mixes Great breads Yogurts & soygurts Fruit smoothies A variety of hommus spreads and baked chips Interesting rice, couscous, and noodle salads at the deli Different snacks fit different situations. Approach this as an experiment with your body. Sometimes you need a snack with significant protein to last you a while and sometimes lighter snacks will do for a shorter interval before the next meal. Sometimes snacks help round-out the nutritional profile of what you eat. Are all the colors of snacks tan or brown after you open that colorful wrapper? Or are there several colors represented in your snacks? The greater variety in color enhances your chance of variety in nutrients. Keep in mind that the impact of nutrition on our health is determined over two to four weeks, not daily. Although National Nutrition Month is now past, this year’s theme is a good one to remember all year: Explore New Tastes.... Try New Foods! Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD has a gentle, wholistic, step-by-step approach to normalizing disordered eating styles.
____________________________________
“Why Don’t You Eat Your Vegetables and Go Out and Play!”
Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
This quote from Inez Lyons, the mother of author and educator Pat Lyons became the battle cry and bottom line of a three day conference sponsored by the American Dietetic Association. After all the research, discussion, and debate presented by experts in every aspect of health and nutrition was over, this simple statement summed it all up. The research is becoming more and more convincing that it is “eating and activity patterns” that help keep us healthy and not weight. There was a strong call to all dietitians, nutritionists, and health care providers to stop concentrating on weight and start talking about pleasant, enjoyable and moderate movement and eating. Hence the conclusion, “Why don’t we all eat our vegetables and go out and play!”
____________________________________
Letters From YOU!
“I can’t tell you enough how much I enjoyed the article on the Marilyn Club (Newsletter Vol 5, #1). It’s wonderful to know I’m not alone. Having dealt with these emotions for a long time it is comforting to know other people do see the world differently than others, or the main stream, and they are OK and not WEIRD. Thank you for taking the time to write such a wonderful piece.” G.M. (via email) We would like to hear from you. Your letters are important to us. Write to us via snail mail or email us.
______________________
September–December 1999
Rubber Bands and Tuning Forks
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission ” Eleanor Roosevelt
“It happens all the time. My boss will criticize one little part of a report and suddenly I feel like I’m just not good enough. I spend the rest of the day seeing all the ways I just don’t measure up. By the time I make it home at night I feel totally worthless.”
What makes you feel inferior? You might say your boss, your mother, your husband/partner, your friends. It may even be people you don’t even know. According to a recent University of Toronto study, women who read magazines full of ads featuring skinny female models, suffer more from low self-esteem than those who don’t. A source of constant frustration and helplessness, we are surrounded by images of women who are “perfect” in every way.
We realize that we can’t control others from making negative remarks or from having negative opinions. We can’t stop the advertising industry from using “perfect” skinny female models. We can’t change the way TV or movies glorify the woman who can do it all perfectly. But we can stop giving them permission to make us feel inferior. How? Get rid of the rubber band thoughts and change the tuning fork in your head. Huh???
A rubber band thought is when we take a casual comment or event and twist it and stretch it until it means something totally different from the original comment or event. Someone doesn’t return a phone call, and you say, “If they really cared about me they would have called today. They must not really like me. Who am I kidding? No one really likes me anyway.”
These rubber band thoughts are based on distorted thinking patterns. If we could get rid of the distortions, then our thoughts would be based on facts and realities rather than “rubber bands”. I will often ask clients, “Would those thoughts hold up in a court of law? What are the facts?” The fact is that there are hundreds of reasons why someone wouldn’t return a phone call: working late, got sick, car troubles, felt overwhelmed. And the fact is that 99.99% of these reasons have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, or your worth as a human being! The client’s comeback is often, “But I feel....” (In court you’d hear, “Objection!”) Negative feelings about our-selves are often based on more rubber band thoughts, distortions.
Changing how we feel about ourselves means listening to what we tell ourselves so that we can then OWN OUR OWN THOUGHTS. When Cindy Crawford appears in a magazine, she is not thinking a thing about you, your body or your worth as a human being. You are! You are the one who is saying, “Her body looks so great, I’m a worthless lump!” Did you recognize the rubber band in that thought? Great! I knew you’d catch on.
But what about when someone does criticize us. That’s the tuning fork. Did you know that if you had two tuning forks that were the same key and you struck one, the second one would start resonating? If they were different, the second one would remain silent. To illustrate this, imagine that someone told you to shave half of your head, paint an American Flag on your face and wear a pink striped square-dance dress to work tomorrow. Most of us would find that nothing happens, there is no resonance. Why? Because you don’t have a tuning fork in your head agreeing with the comment. Now imagine someone saying, “I liked your hair before you cut it.” Wow! Did you feel your tuning fork resonate?
What that means is that when someone criticizes us we also hear an echo of the same criticism in our heads that was already there. Unconsciously we are agreeing with them. But often a tuning fork will turn into a rubber band. For example, your boss loves the report you did but wants you to change the wording to make it more “user friendly”. First the tuning fork, “I should have re-read the section to hear it out loud.” Then the rubber bands, “I never take enough time with my reports. What’s wrong with me. I’ll never get any where with this firm. They must all think I am just a bimbo.”
In this example, the tuning fork was actually helpful. If we had just stopped with the tuning fork we would have learned something valuable that would have made us “Learn and Grow”. But the rubber band thoughts prevent us from making small steps of growth because we twist it into a matter of personal worth.
But what about when the tuning fork isn’t helpful? If, for example, your mother is a very critical person, whenever you see her she starts criticizing your hair, your job, your partner, your vacation plans, etc, etc, etc. It would be so easy to slip into the same pattern of resonance with her and walk away feeling hopeless and worthless. Instead, we need to realize that her negativity is her issue, not ours. We can then remind ourselves that we are working on more important issues in our recovery program. We can reflect upon our many baby steps of progress.
How do we stop our tuning fork? First we need to become aware of what we are telling ourselves. Many women in our society have tuning forks that unconsciously agree that “tall, thin women are superior to short or large women”. If we look at all our thoughts consciously, we find we really don’t agree with them. We can substitute rational factual thoughts that help us achieve what is really important in our lives.
The book, Feeling Good by David Burns, is very helpful in learning how to challenge negative distorted thoughts and substituting rational facts in their place. He advocates writing down your thoughts, but if writing turns you off saying them out loud or making an appointment with yourself to think about it can also work.
I often suggest that you imagine that a friend is with you all day. When you are having rubber band thoughts, ask yourself, “Would I say this to my friend? Would I call my friend a worthless lump?” No? What would you say? You’d tell her that not everyone is genetically designed to look like Cindy Crawford and that she has many attractive qualities of her own. You’d tell her that just because her boss told her to change the wording that she still is a likable and competent person. You’d tell her that just because she can’t please her mother doesn’t mean she is worthless and hopeless. You’d tell her that you like her just the way she is.
Eventually you will be able to tell yourself these things too.
For the last 13 years, Amy Grabowski has helped many people untwist their rubber band thoughts and re-adjust their tunings forks. If you’d like to explore these issues further with her individually, call her at (773) 929-6262 ext. 1.
________________________________
Nutrition Q&A: Cravings
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
In this column, one of the registered dieticians from The Awakening Center will answer your questions. You may send them to Nutrition Q&A, via email at
Q: “I heard that if you crave a certain food it means that you are allergic to it. I often have a craving for sweets and wonder if I should stay away from sugar entirely. But when I try to not eat sweets I find myself bingeing on them. What do you think?”
A: Many people mistakenly think repeated cravings for a food is an indication of a food allergy. There is a lack of scientific evidence to support this. Yet there is strong scientific evidence that depriving yourself of something you want can actually heighten your desire for that very item. (There are biological effects as well.) The moment you banish a food, cravings run rampant. To read further about the scientific evidence concerning the psychological effects of deprivation I recommend “Intuitive Eating” by Tribole and Resch.
To help understand one’s individual responses to foods it is helpful to know the difference between food allergy and food intolerance. A food allergy is when the body thinks a harmless food is harmful. The immune system then be comes over-active and triggers typical allergic reactions: tingling or swelling in the mouth and throat, hives, vomiting, stomach cramps or diarrhea that set in anywhere from two minutes to two hours after eating a food. Eight foods cause 90% of all allergic reactions: peanuts, tree nuts (i.e. almonds, cashews, pecans and walnuts), fish, shellfish, eggs, milk, soy and wheat. A food intolerance is an adverse reaction that can result from a variety of mechanisms including contamination, enzyme deficiencies (like lactose intolerance), metabolic diseases (like gluten intolerance), or behavioral disorders.
A food journal is a great tool for sorting out both physical and psychological responses and reactions to foods. Many preprinted journals include a column for noting thoughts and feelings. This is an opportunity to record thoughts that go along with food cravings or tracking physical symptoms, following a meal or snack. Looking back over these records helps you identify patterns. As patterns emerge problem solving can begin. Marianne Evans - Ramsay, RD, LD can be reached at (773) 929-6262 ext 16 if you have questions about food cravings or allergies. She offers a gentle step-by-step approach to normalizing disordered eating styles. She has experience helping those who struggle with food allergies, food intolerances and diabetes.
_______________________________
Nourishing Concepts
Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
“I want to do this right this time...I’ve lost weight before on all sorts of diets, but it always comes back. Can you help me?”
“I’ve got to lose weight...it’s getting to be a health concern... Can you help me?”
“I’m trying to give up dieting and just be healthier...Can you help me?”
The Nourishing Concepts Nutrition Group was established in response to concerns just like these. It is a highly individualized nutrition counseling group that explores nutrition information as well as the many social and emotional issues tied to eating and food.
We start each group with a reading from “Live Large”, Cheri Erdman’s book of daily affirmations and “size-wise” actions that help build self-esteem and self-acceptance. These passages have sparked many lively discussions on what it means to be large in our culture. These discussions are an important part of what makes being in a group so valuable. The sharing and understanding that is possible to get only in a group like this is very, very healing.
Recently, I asked current group members to describe how being in the group has helped them: “Knowing that other women have many of the same issues as myself makes me feel less alone.” “Just having other people to talk to about food/body issues aids in my self-acceptance.” “Laughing about and having a sense of humor about the diet mentality is crucial.” and “I realize that I’m OK.”
A big part of this work is learning how to accept and love ourselves. We take good care of things we love, and taking good care of ourselves leads to nourishing eating and nourishing ways of addressing and coping with our feelings.
- Rubber Bands and Tuning Forks - Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
- Nutrition Q&A: Cravings - Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
- Nourishing Concepts - Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
Rubber Bands and Tuning Forks
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission ” Eleanor Roosevelt
“It happens all the time. My boss will criticize one little part of a report and suddenly I feel like I’m just not good enough. I spend the rest of the day seeing all the ways I just don’t measure up. By the time I make it home at night I feel totally worthless.”
What makes you feel inferior? You might say your boss, your mother, your husband/partner, your friends. It may even be people you don’t even know. According to a recent University of Toronto study, women who read magazines full of ads featuring skinny female models, suffer more from low self-esteem than those who don’t. A source of constant frustration and helplessness, we are surrounded by images of women who are “perfect” in every way.
We realize that we can’t control others from making negative remarks or from having negative opinions. We can’t stop the advertising industry from using “perfect” skinny female models. We can’t change the way TV or movies glorify the woman who can do it all perfectly. But we can stop giving them permission to make us feel inferior. How? Get rid of the rubber band thoughts and change the tuning fork in your head. Huh???
A rubber band thought is when we take a casual comment or event and twist it and stretch it until it means something totally different from the original comment or event. Someone doesn’t return a phone call, and you say, “If they really cared about me they would have called today. They must not really like me. Who am I kidding? No one really likes me anyway.”
These rubber band thoughts are based on distorted thinking patterns. If we could get rid of the distortions, then our thoughts would be based on facts and realities rather than “rubber bands”. I will often ask clients, “Would those thoughts hold up in a court of law? What are the facts?” The fact is that there are hundreds of reasons why someone wouldn’t return a phone call: working late, got sick, car troubles, felt overwhelmed. And the fact is that 99.99% of these reasons have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, or your worth as a human being! The client’s comeback is often, “But I feel....” (In court you’d hear, “Objection!”) Negative feelings about our-selves are often based on more rubber band thoughts, distortions.
Changing how we feel about ourselves means listening to what we tell ourselves so that we can then OWN OUR OWN THOUGHTS. When Cindy Crawford appears in a magazine, she is not thinking a thing about you, your body or your worth as a human being. You are! You are the one who is saying, “Her body looks so great, I’m a worthless lump!” Did you recognize the rubber band in that thought? Great! I knew you’d catch on.
But what about when someone does criticize us. That’s the tuning fork. Did you know that if you had two tuning forks that were the same key and you struck one, the second one would start resonating? If they were different, the second one would remain silent. To illustrate this, imagine that someone told you to shave half of your head, paint an American Flag on your face and wear a pink striped square-dance dress to work tomorrow. Most of us would find that nothing happens, there is no resonance. Why? Because you don’t have a tuning fork in your head agreeing with the comment. Now imagine someone saying, “I liked your hair before you cut it.” Wow! Did you feel your tuning fork resonate?
What that means is that when someone criticizes us we also hear an echo of the same criticism in our heads that was already there. Unconsciously we are agreeing with them. But often a tuning fork will turn into a rubber band. For example, your boss loves the report you did but wants you to change the wording to make it more “user friendly”. First the tuning fork, “I should have re-read the section to hear it out loud.” Then the rubber bands, “I never take enough time with my reports. What’s wrong with me. I’ll never get any where with this firm. They must all think I am just a bimbo.”
In this example, the tuning fork was actually helpful. If we had just stopped with the tuning fork we would have learned something valuable that would have made us “Learn and Grow”. But the rubber band thoughts prevent us from making small steps of growth because we twist it into a matter of personal worth.
But what about when the tuning fork isn’t helpful? If, for example, your mother is a very critical person, whenever you see her she starts criticizing your hair, your job, your partner, your vacation plans, etc, etc, etc. It would be so easy to slip into the same pattern of resonance with her and walk away feeling hopeless and worthless. Instead, we need to realize that her negativity is her issue, not ours. We can then remind ourselves that we are working on more important issues in our recovery program. We can reflect upon our many baby steps of progress.
How do we stop our tuning fork? First we need to become aware of what we are telling ourselves. Many women in our society have tuning forks that unconsciously agree that “tall, thin women are superior to short or large women”. If we look at all our thoughts consciously, we find we really don’t agree with them. We can substitute rational factual thoughts that help us achieve what is really important in our lives.
The book, Feeling Good by David Burns, is very helpful in learning how to challenge negative distorted thoughts and substituting rational facts in their place. He advocates writing down your thoughts, but if writing turns you off saying them out loud or making an appointment with yourself to think about it can also work.
I often suggest that you imagine that a friend is with you all day. When you are having rubber band thoughts, ask yourself, “Would I say this to my friend? Would I call my friend a worthless lump?” No? What would you say? You’d tell her that not everyone is genetically designed to look like Cindy Crawford and that she has many attractive qualities of her own. You’d tell her that just because her boss told her to change the wording that she still is a likable and competent person. You’d tell her that just because she can’t please her mother doesn’t mean she is worthless and hopeless. You’d tell her that you like her just the way she is.
Eventually you will be able to tell yourself these things too.
For the last 13 years, Amy Grabowski has helped many people untwist their rubber band thoughts and re-adjust their tunings forks. If you’d like to explore these issues further with her individually, call her at (773) 929-6262 ext. 1.
________________________________
Nutrition Q&A: Cravings
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
In this column, one of the registered dieticians from The Awakening Center will answer your questions. You may send them to Nutrition Q&A, via email at
Q: “I heard that if you crave a certain food it means that you are allergic to it. I often have a craving for sweets and wonder if I should stay away from sugar entirely. But when I try to not eat sweets I find myself bingeing on them. What do you think?”
A: Many people mistakenly think repeated cravings for a food is an indication of a food allergy. There is a lack of scientific evidence to support this. Yet there is strong scientific evidence that depriving yourself of something you want can actually heighten your desire for that very item. (There are biological effects as well.) The moment you banish a food, cravings run rampant. To read further about the scientific evidence concerning the psychological effects of deprivation I recommend “Intuitive Eating” by Tribole and Resch.
To help understand one’s individual responses to foods it is helpful to know the difference between food allergy and food intolerance. A food allergy is when the body thinks a harmless food is harmful. The immune system then be comes over-active and triggers typical allergic reactions: tingling or swelling in the mouth and throat, hives, vomiting, stomach cramps or diarrhea that set in anywhere from two minutes to two hours after eating a food. Eight foods cause 90% of all allergic reactions: peanuts, tree nuts (i.e. almonds, cashews, pecans and walnuts), fish, shellfish, eggs, milk, soy and wheat. A food intolerance is an adverse reaction that can result from a variety of mechanisms including contamination, enzyme deficiencies (like lactose intolerance), metabolic diseases (like gluten intolerance), or behavioral disorders.
A food journal is a great tool for sorting out both physical and psychological responses and reactions to foods. Many preprinted journals include a column for noting thoughts and feelings. This is an opportunity to record thoughts that go along with food cravings or tracking physical symptoms, following a meal or snack. Looking back over these records helps you identify patterns. As patterns emerge problem solving can begin. Marianne Evans - Ramsay, RD, LD can be reached at (773) 929-6262 ext 16 if you have questions about food cravings or allergies. She offers a gentle step-by-step approach to normalizing disordered eating styles. She has experience helping those who struggle with food allergies, food intolerances and diabetes.
_______________________________
Nourishing Concepts
Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
“I want to do this right this time...I’ve lost weight before on all sorts of diets, but it always comes back. Can you help me?”
“I’ve got to lose weight...it’s getting to be a health concern... Can you help me?”
“I’m trying to give up dieting and just be healthier...Can you help me?”
The Nourishing Concepts Nutrition Group was established in response to concerns just like these. It is a highly individualized nutrition counseling group that explores nutrition information as well as the many social and emotional issues tied to eating and food.
We start each group with a reading from “Live Large”, Cheri Erdman’s book of daily affirmations and “size-wise” actions that help build self-esteem and self-acceptance. These passages have sparked many lively discussions on what it means to be large in our culture. These discussions are an important part of what makes being in a group so valuable. The sharing and understanding that is possible to get only in a group like this is very, very healing.
Recently, I asked current group members to describe how being in the group has helped them: “Knowing that other women have many of the same issues as myself makes me feel less alone.” “Just having other people to talk to about food/body issues aids in my self-acceptance.” “Laughing about and having a sense of humor about the diet mentality is crucial.” and “I realize that I’m OK.”
A big part of this work is learning how to accept and love ourselves. We take good care of things we love, and taking good care of ourselves leads to nourishing eating and nourishing ways of addressing and coping with our feelings.