1996 Newsletters
March 1996
Your Recovery “Toolbox”
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
Abraham Maslow, a famous psychologist once said, “When your only tool is a hammer, all problems begin to look like nails.” I often refer to an eating disorder as a tool box that has but one tool, a hammer. A hammer is fine, if you need to drive a nail. But if you need to cut wood or take out a screw, it is worthless; & in fact if used will do more harm than good. If the only “tool” in your “tool box” is a hammer, giving up the hammer is very threatening. Women often say “I’m afraid to give up the eating disorder, because it’s all I have.” I reassure them that if they add tools, rather than give up the one tool they have, it would feel much more secure. And just as in real life, a tool that isn’t used much, will eventually get shifted to the bottom of the tool box.
So what tools do I think are necessary for recovery ? What are my top 10 recovery tips “a la David Letterman” ? 1.) The most obvious one sounds a lot simpler than it really is. We need to relearn how to eat according to our body cues for hunger & fullness. We knew how to do this intuitively as an infant & we “unlearned” it as we grew older. We have to “purge” all the diet & food rules we carry around in our heads, & eat according to what our body needs & wants.
That brings us to 2.) learning to recognize food thoughts that pop up when we are not hungry to cover up other emotions. But if we are not going to eat our anger, loneliness, anxiety or emptiness, what are we going to do with them? 3.) We need to learn self-soothing behaviors & thoughts to calm & nurture the parts of us that get angry, lonely, anxious or feel empty. I am not talking about simple advice like take long walks or bubble baths. I mean making an empathic connection with those younger parts that are stuck in the past, carrying the burden of these unpleasant feelings. This is something best done with a therapist who can help you uncover the original positive intention for these young parts. In order to unburden these young parts, we must 4.) work to turn our inner critic into an ally who can help us feel in control of our lives & help us achieve our positive potential.
We also must 5.) find a wise, loving, nurturing, caretaking part within us who can give to our young parts what we didn’t receive when we were young. When we have done this we will 6.) develop an inner strength, a place of peace that we can tap into any time Life “gives us lemons”. (And you can guarantee that it will, over & over, - not because we are bad or defective people. But because Life does this to everyone.)
That reminds me of 7.) learn to recognize our distorted thoughts (such as taking things personally) and replacing them with kind, gentle, rational thoughts. (I often recommend the book Feeling Good by David Burns.) In doing this, we will be 8.) letting go of our perfectionism. (See the article on perfectionism in the previous newsletter.) I think we must “dare to be average”! Did you cringe when you read that word ? Most people interpret average to mean mediocre, “Then I won’t be special!” But I believe we are and always have been “Good Enough” just as we are; but we weren’t taught to see it because of our parent’s inability to see it. Parents have problems too. So 9.) learning the difference between a fact and someone else’s opinion is crucial to seeing ourselves as “Good Enough”. 10.) This one’s a hard one. Going back (in our heads) to understand & forgive our parents for being human beings with weaknesses & flaws, who may not have had the “tools” to cope very effectively with Life themselves. They couldn’t teach us these tools if they didn’t have them to begin with. Its up to us now to do so for ourselves.
I’m afraid that I am out of numbers & also out of space. There are so many more things; this could have been a top 20 or 50 list - but I will leave that to a future article in another newsletter. Be kind to yourself. Peace.
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC, offers individual, couples and group counseling at The Awakening Center. (Sliding fee available.) She has developed a loving relationship with her young parts.
______________________________________
“Julie’s” Food Year Journal in Review, Part 1
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
The following article is Part 1 of “Julie’s” journey to heal disordered eating. She is struggling with body image issues but as you will see her preoccupation with food has changed a great deal. As a tool, I ask my clients to review the year since starting on their journeys. Because I no longer measure a client’s progress by the scale, calories consumed, or dress size, yearly reviews are especially helpful. The focus is how life is different in terms of the energy expended obsessing about how much food is eaten or the size of one’s body. In other words, how are your responses with food different? How accepting are you of your current body size?
January 1995. I had just started a new job. I was extremely unhappy, nervous & disappointed with this job. I was also desperately trying to stay on a diet plan. I was weighing myself every morning. I was bingeing until I was sick; I even missed Christmas dinner because I felt so sick from bingeing all day. In January I ate only diet frozen entrees, diet foods, & vegetables because it fit easily into my food “exchanges”. I only went to restaurants where I knew the menu. I rarely drank alcohol. I got very stressed out if I could not control what I was served. I began bingeing at my new office. I would sneak down to the snack shop & get 9 or 10 cookies, then eat them in the phone booth or anywhere else where others could not see me.
February - The bingeing continued. I interviewed for a new job. At the interview, they bought me lunch. I was so relieved that I could order a turkey sandwich, but got upset that I couldn’t measure how much the turkey weighed. I could stay on the diet plan for about 4 or 5 days, then I would binge. I had frequent headaches.
I got the job. My old office had a going away party for me; with a cake with chocolate icing. I was so relieved that I could eat a piece of cake without bingeing, that when I got home I flushed the remainder of the cake down the garbage disposal. Later in the month, I went to visit a friend & binged the entire evening. All I wanted was for my friend to go to sleep so I could eat more. The next day, I punished myself by only eating rice cakes & carrots. I had a terrible headache, puffy eyes; my stomach was bloated. I felt like I had a hangover.
March - I started the new job & the bingeing continued. I was still weighing myself every day & walking 2 miles every morning, even in bitter cold. On my friends birthday, we all went out for dinner. I tried to work late enough to miss the food, but I got there just as they were serving. I didn’t eat, but when I got home, I binged on anything I could find, even my roommate’s food. I realized that this could not continue. I asked my doctor to recommend a therapist. I started working with Penny.
April - The bingeing got worse. I could not go for more than 2 or 3 days without a binge. My new job was horribly stressful & my new boss was very abusive & sexually harassed me. I was eating constantly; I binged on food I didn’t even like. When our office had catered lunches, all I would think about was food; I couldn’t even pay attention to the meeting. Once when one of the partners in the firm noticed that all the cookies were gone, I was so concerned that he would know it was me. I would sneak food in my blouse up to the office from the street vendor downstairs. I read a book about food addictions. I was convinced that I was “addicted”. It recommended attending Overeaters Anonymous at least three times a week and so I started going to OA meetings faithfully. I felt better that I was doing something to help myself but the bingeing continued.
May - My OA “sponsor” suggested that I see Mary Lynn, a registered dietitian. She did not agree with Mary Lynn’s approach, but recommended her nonetheless. I went to see Mary Lynn & discussed what I ate. After saying it out loud, I couldn’t believe how ridiculous my food had become. Mary Lynn described it as a “food prison”. She suggested that for one week, I eat whatever I want. I felt so excited. She set me free!
My work week was horrible. I turned to food & ate myself sick. I told Mary Lynn how I had binged all week. She asked me what was going on & I told her about my abusive boss. She said “No wonder you’re eating!” Penny & Mary Lynn both mentioned Prozac & I went to a psychiatrist & started taking the drug. I read Overcoming Overeating, & began demand feeding. I stopped going to OA. I threw out my scale. Mary Lynn said she couldn’t believe how ready I was for demand feeding.
June - I quit my job. My food life settled down & my headaches stopped. I went through my “M&M cookie phase” when I kept M&M cookies with me all the time. One of my roommates asked me if I had become bulimic because I suddenly had so much food in the house. I would go to my favorite restaurant & eat dessert for lunch. I went home for my sister’s wedding & took a food bag. My family made a big fuss, but pretty much left me alone. I was so worried I wouldn’t fit into my dress, which had already been let out once, that my mother bought another dress in a larger size so that I would stop worrying. I fit into the original dress. I went to see Marianne at The Awakening Center for the first time. I felt really frightened when Marianne would not assure me that I would remain thin. She called it a “leap of faith”.
__________________________________
- Your Recovery “Toolbox” -Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
- “Julies” Food Year Journal in Review Part 1 - Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
Your Recovery “Toolbox”
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
Abraham Maslow, a famous psychologist once said, “When your only tool is a hammer, all problems begin to look like nails.” I often refer to an eating disorder as a tool box that has but one tool, a hammer. A hammer is fine, if you need to drive a nail. But if you need to cut wood or take out a screw, it is worthless; & in fact if used will do more harm than good. If the only “tool” in your “tool box” is a hammer, giving up the hammer is very threatening. Women often say “I’m afraid to give up the eating disorder, because it’s all I have.” I reassure them that if they add tools, rather than give up the one tool they have, it would feel much more secure. And just as in real life, a tool that isn’t used much, will eventually get shifted to the bottom of the tool box.
So what tools do I think are necessary for recovery ? What are my top 10 recovery tips “a la David Letterman” ? 1.) The most obvious one sounds a lot simpler than it really is. We need to relearn how to eat according to our body cues for hunger & fullness. We knew how to do this intuitively as an infant & we “unlearned” it as we grew older. We have to “purge” all the diet & food rules we carry around in our heads, & eat according to what our body needs & wants.
That brings us to 2.) learning to recognize food thoughts that pop up when we are not hungry to cover up other emotions. But if we are not going to eat our anger, loneliness, anxiety or emptiness, what are we going to do with them? 3.) We need to learn self-soothing behaviors & thoughts to calm & nurture the parts of us that get angry, lonely, anxious or feel empty. I am not talking about simple advice like take long walks or bubble baths. I mean making an empathic connection with those younger parts that are stuck in the past, carrying the burden of these unpleasant feelings. This is something best done with a therapist who can help you uncover the original positive intention for these young parts. In order to unburden these young parts, we must 4.) work to turn our inner critic into an ally who can help us feel in control of our lives & help us achieve our positive potential.
We also must 5.) find a wise, loving, nurturing, caretaking part within us who can give to our young parts what we didn’t receive when we were young. When we have done this we will 6.) develop an inner strength, a place of peace that we can tap into any time Life “gives us lemons”. (And you can guarantee that it will, over & over, - not because we are bad or defective people. But because Life does this to everyone.)
That reminds me of 7.) learn to recognize our distorted thoughts (such as taking things personally) and replacing them with kind, gentle, rational thoughts. (I often recommend the book Feeling Good by David Burns.) In doing this, we will be 8.) letting go of our perfectionism. (See the article on perfectionism in the previous newsletter.) I think we must “dare to be average”! Did you cringe when you read that word ? Most people interpret average to mean mediocre, “Then I won’t be special!” But I believe we are and always have been “Good Enough” just as we are; but we weren’t taught to see it because of our parent’s inability to see it. Parents have problems too. So 9.) learning the difference between a fact and someone else’s opinion is crucial to seeing ourselves as “Good Enough”. 10.) This one’s a hard one. Going back (in our heads) to understand & forgive our parents for being human beings with weaknesses & flaws, who may not have had the “tools” to cope very effectively with Life themselves. They couldn’t teach us these tools if they didn’t have them to begin with. Its up to us now to do so for ourselves.
I’m afraid that I am out of numbers & also out of space. There are so many more things; this could have been a top 20 or 50 list - but I will leave that to a future article in another newsletter. Be kind to yourself. Peace.
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC, offers individual, couples and group counseling at The Awakening Center. (Sliding fee available.) She has developed a loving relationship with her young parts.
______________________________________
“Julie’s” Food Year Journal in Review, Part 1
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
The following article is Part 1 of “Julie’s” journey to heal disordered eating. She is struggling with body image issues but as you will see her preoccupation with food has changed a great deal. As a tool, I ask my clients to review the year since starting on their journeys. Because I no longer measure a client’s progress by the scale, calories consumed, or dress size, yearly reviews are especially helpful. The focus is how life is different in terms of the energy expended obsessing about how much food is eaten or the size of one’s body. In other words, how are your responses with food different? How accepting are you of your current body size?
January 1995. I had just started a new job. I was extremely unhappy, nervous & disappointed with this job. I was also desperately trying to stay on a diet plan. I was weighing myself every morning. I was bingeing until I was sick; I even missed Christmas dinner because I felt so sick from bingeing all day. In January I ate only diet frozen entrees, diet foods, & vegetables because it fit easily into my food “exchanges”. I only went to restaurants where I knew the menu. I rarely drank alcohol. I got very stressed out if I could not control what I was served. I began bingeing at my new office. I would sneak down to the snack shop & get 9 or 10 cookies, then eat them in the phone booth or anywhere else where others could not see me.
February - The bingeing continued. I interviewed for a new job. At the interview, they bought me lunch. I was so relieved that I could order a turkey sandwich, but got upset that I couldn’t measure how much the turkey weighed. I could stay on the diet plan for about 4 or 5 days, then I would binge. I had frequent headaches.
I got the job. My old office had a going away party for me; with a cake with chocolate icing. I was so relieved that I could eat a piece of cake without bingeing, that when I got home I flushed the remainder of the cake down the garbage disposal. Later in the month, I went to visit a friend & binged the entire evening. All I wanted was for my friend to go to sleep so I could eat more. The next day, I punished myself by only eating rice cakes & carrots. I had a terrible headache, puffy eyes; my stomach was bloated. I felt like I had a hangover.
March - I started the new job & the bingeing continued. I was still weighing myself every day & walking 2 miles every morning, even in bitter cold. On my friends birthday, we all went out for dinner. I tried to work late enough to miss the food, but I got there just as they were serving. I didn’t eat, but when I got home, I binged on anything I could find, even my roommate’s food. I realized that this could not continue. I asked my doctor to recommend a therapist. I started working with Penny.
April - The bingeing got worse. I could not go for more than 2 or 3 days without a binge. My new job was horribly stressful & my new boss was very abusive & sexually harassed me. I was eating constantly; I binged on food I didn’t even like. When our office had catered lunches, all I would think about was food; I couldn’t even pay attention to the meeting. Once when one of the partners in the firm noticed that all the cookies were gone, I was so concerned that he would know it was me. I would sneak food in my blouse up to the office from the street vendor downstairs. I read a book about food addictions. I was convinced that I was “addicted”. It recommended attending Overeaters Anonymous at least three times a week and so I started going to OA meetings faithfully. I felt better that I was doing something to help myself but the bingeing continued.
May - My OA “sponsor” suggested that I see Mary Lynn, a registered dietitian. She did not agree with Mary Lynn’s approach, but recommended her nonetheless. I went to see Mary Lynn & discussed what I ate. After saying it out loud, I couldn’t believe how ridiculous my food had become. Mary Lynn described it as a “food prison”. She suggested that for one week, I eat whatever I want. I felt so excited. She set me free!
My work week was horrible. I turned to food & ate myself sick. I told Mary Lynn how I had binged all week. She asked me what was going on & I told her about my abusive boss. She said “No wonder you’re eating!” Penny & Mary Lynn both mentioned Prozac & I went to a psychiatrist & started taking the drug. I read Overcoming Overeating, & began demand feeding. I stopped going to OA. I threw out my scale. Mary Lynn said she couldn’t believe how ready I was for demand feeding.
June - I quit my job. My food life settled down & my headaches stopped. I went through my “M&M cookie phase” when I kept M&M cookies with me all the time. One of my roommates asked me if I had become bulimic because I suddenly had so much food in the house. I would go to my favorite restaurant & eat dessert for lunch. I went home for my sister’s wedding & took a food bag. My family made a big fuss, but pretty much left me alone. I was so worried I wouldn’t fit into my dress, which had already been let out once, that my mother bought another dress in a larger size so that I would stop worrying. I fit into the original dress. I went to see Marianne at The Awakening Center for the first time. I felt really frightened when Marianne would not assure me that I would remain thin. She called it a “leap of faith”.
__________________________________
August 1996
Control...What Is It?
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
"I am out of control!" "He was trying to control me!" "I have no control!" "I lost control!" "I want to feel in control of my life?"
In my 9 years of practice, the one word that I hear the most is "Control". What is it? Why do so many people want it? How do you get it and use it?
During my first session with new clients, I help them to set goals for the course of therapy. Inevitably they say they want to feel "in control". But when I ask them to define control, they find it is very difficult to define. They will usually say what it is by describing how they do NOT want to feel when they don't have it, "I don't want to feel crazed, like the world is running past me and I can't catch up." or "I don't want to feel like I have no choice, like I just have to do what the other person expects of me."
The Webster's dictionary has many definitions for control: "the power to regulate or guide; to hold back, restrain; to exercise authority over; direct; command". But the control that these clients describe is more elusive than that. It is a feeling of having the ability to regulate and guide your own actions. It is a feeling of confidence and competence that you can handle whatever happens in day to day life. It is also a deep core feeling of strength that you can tap into so that you will feel your life is your own.
I want to make an illustration to help you understand control in a way that makes it attainable. Think of this whole newsletter as the whole World. The big circle is your world. And the small dark circle inside the large circle is all that you can control in the whole world. When you control what is yours to control (the small dark circle) and do not attempt to control what is not yours to control (the big circle or more), then you feel "in control". But when you try to control what is outside the dark circle, you are trying to control what is not yours to control, you feel as if you have "no control". If you do not control what is yours to control in the dark circle, you will feel "out of control". And moreover if you allow someone else to take over and control what is yours to control then you feel "controlled" by them. The combin-ation of all of these different ways of not being "in control" makes people feel intense feelings such as anger, resentment, or anxiety which they then call "losing control".
"Jill" had a habit of never putting gas in her car (not controlling something that was hers to control). Several times on her way to our therapy sessions, Jill called me saying she had run out of gas, feeling very anxious (out of control). Jill's mother used to constantly remind Jill to put gas in her car (letting someone else control something that is yours to control), and Jill would complain to me that her mother was always telling her what to do. "She's trying to control me and my life." I pointed out to Jill how her own behavior reinforced and perpetuated the problem with her mother. Jill realized that by taking back control of the situation, by making sure that her gas tank was always full, her mother was able to back down and Jill again felt in control of her own life.
Another problem is when some people seek control the same as they seek perfection. They think that if they are always in control, then they will never say or do the wrong thing, they will never make a mistake and then bad things will never happen to them. Because they have a hard time not being in control of everything, they tend to overwhelm themselves (lose control) by trying to do too many things, perfectly. It is hard for them to allow others to do things for them, because they often feel that "If you want something done right, then you have to do it yourself." They, also, want to control everything that other people think, say and do, and the thought that other people may have negative feelings or thoughts about them is unbearable.
"Kelly" often found herself feeling out of control. She felt her husband was controlling her. Her husband was an outspoken man and often suggested that Kelly do things a certain way. She would do these things even when she didn't feel like it or want to because she said "He made me do it". She also felt that she could not do things she wanted to because, "He won't let me." My reply was that unless someone has a weapon, they cannot "make you" do anything. We discussed what was controlling her, and she realized that she was afraid to disagree with her husband because he might get angry at her. When we pursued this further, she did not think that he would ever hurt her in any way, but just the thought that he might get angry and be displeased made her feel very anxious. So, her own fear of his reaction to her behavior was what was really controlling her. We worked with the "part" of her who feared anger, so that she could decide for herself whether she wanted to do something or not. If she did want to do something, she did it because she wanted to, not because she felt she had to, or that he was making her. And also, if she did not want to do something, she was able to tell him why and deal directly with his reaction. Surprisingly, most of the time when she said no, he did not react in anger and they were able to discuss what they wanted to do instead. When he did get angry, Kelly was able to soothe that young part within which got scared, so that they were able to discuss it without Kelly feeling like she had to give in. The result was that Kelly felt much less overwhelmed and much more in control of her own life.
When I give the circle example to people, I often get two responses. One is relief. "You mean I don't have to control everything! I just have to control what is mine?" The other reaction is disappointment. "No! If I don't control everything then I will be unimportant! I'll be nothing!" But it is by feeling in control of your own life that you recapture a true feeling of inner power, which is very far from being a nothing.
In my office I have a sampler upon which is stitched The Serenity Prayer, with one small 'revision'. It reads:
God, Grant me the Serenity
To Accept the Things
I Cannot Control,
Courage to Control
The Things I can,
And Wisdom to
Know The Difference.
I wish you Serenity, Courage and Wisdom.
Amy
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the Director and Founder of The Awakening Center. She works with clients individually and in groups to establish balance, cooperation and harmony among their "parts"; and a feeling of calmness, compassion and inner strength from their core "self". She specializes in women's issues especially: eating disorders and body image problems; depression, anxiety, low self-esteem; couples commun-ication and parenting skills; spiritual and personal growth. Sliding fee/Insurance Available.
____________________________________
"Julie's" Food Year Journal in Review, Part 2
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
The following article is Part 2 of "Julie's" journey to heal disordered eating. As I said in Part 1, I ask my clients to reflect on how their responses with food are different than in the past. Also, how differently are they viewing and caring for their bodies, how are they more fully living their lives. In the year that I have known "Julie" I have seen her tackle more and more of life's challenges and become more of her own person, as she continues to free herself of the shackles of dieting. In just the last month, Julie endured a personal crisis and did not turn to food. She's really doing well even if she's not all the way there. Marianne K. Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD June: .....I went to Marianne for the first time. I felt really frightened when Marianne would not assure me that I would remain thin. She called it a "leap of faith".
July: I started dating "Bill". I moved home and working part time at my Dad's company. I continued to work with Marianne. I bought loose fitting clothes.
August: I stopped compulsively exercising. The M&M cookie phase ended. I decided to stop writing down everything I ate.
Sept: My friend Michele came to Chicago to visit. She said "Oh my gosh, Julie, you're eating again!" She was so happy that the old, fun me had returned. I felt really proud. It seemed strange to talk about it with "Bill" when he had never known me through my starvation years. Cooking at my parents' house was a pain. I started working with a new therapist. I began noticing changes in my body.
Oct: My marketing class began. I still was yelling at myself for eating out of mouth hunger. Packing a food bag became a greater challenge. I moved into a new house. For two weeks, there was no refrigerator, and I could not cook. I realized that I missed home cooked meals.
Nov: My life at work became very hectic. I craved salads with lots of dressing. I never thought the day would come.
Dec: I got into a fried food rut. I got tired of french fries, and I was not at all interested in sweets. I didn't take time to take care of myself, and made very few trips to the grocery store. I saw a picture of myself when I was at my thinnest, and did not think I looked good. I actually wanted vegetables sometimes. On Christmas, I overate and got a little panicky, but realized that it was because the entire weekend was very stressful. Even though I was doing a lot of yelling at myself because of my eating and I still had a lot of bad body thoughts, I really have come full circle.
JUNE 1996: It has been six months since my 1995 Food Year in review. I have learned that my eating experiences and my relationship to food are ever changing. My body size continues to change, as do my attitudes about myself.
Sometimes I yell and sometimes I accept my body. I can connect my bad body thoughts to my feelings. I now wear comfortable clothes and my family does not comment to me about my body. The good news is that despite my struggles, ambivalence, and triumphs, I will never diet again. Last weekend I attended a picnic. Two years ago, the entire event would have been overshadowed by the food - how much to eat, whether or not to binge, how much to restrict. This year, I didn't even think about the food until that morning. After I ate lunch, I yelled a little, but then went on to enjoy four hours of fun, games and camaraderie. The food was just one of the many aspects of the day I was able to enjoy. "Julie"
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ANAD Support Group News Inner Growth
By "Janet"
Little seeds in the earth appear dead but the subtle movements are so powerful that eventually this seed will sprout into a unique flower.
Recovering from an eating disorder is like this, too. On the outside it can look like so little progress, that it can discourage even ourselves. We need a place to be able to explore and share the activity that is going on in our "seed selves".
I have found such a place to help me reverence the small steps of growth that are the process of recovery. In the weekly ANAD group, by sharing the issues I am "eating over" or that are fueling my "food thoughts" and "fat thoughts", I begin to get a sense of my deeper thoughts and feelings. I sometimes emerge with a felt sense of the "I" that often is lost in dieting, bingeing, purging and obsessing.
The groups' and leaders' loving attention is like sunlight penetrating my soil and encouraging me to risk. I feel nourished and refreshed by their sharing of stories. I sometimes see new alternatives, new paths I might c hoose to travel upward through the soil to reach the sunlight and join the human community in ways that respect my hard won freedom.
It is not "Spring" yet in my hungry soul - but there is a new hunger "to be all I was created to be".
- Control...What Is It? - Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
- "Julie's" Food Year Journal in Review, Part 2 - Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
- ANAD Support Group News: Inner Growth by "Janet"
Control...What Is It?
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
"I am out of control!" "He was trying to control me!" "I have no control!" "I lost control!" "I want to feel in control of my life?"
In my 9 years of practice, the one word that I hear the most is "Control". What is it? Why do so many people want it? How do you get it and use it?
During my first session with new clients, I help them to set goals for the course of therapy. Inevitably they say they want to feel "in control". But when I ask them to define control, they find it is very difficult to define. They will usually say what it is by describing how they do NOT want to feel when they don't have it, "I don't want to feel crazed, like the world is running past me and I can't catch up." or "I don't want to feel like I have no choice, like I just have to do what the other person expects of me."
The Webster's dictionary has many definitions for control: "the power to regulate or guide; to hold back, restrain; to exercise authority over; direct; command". But the control that these clients describe is more elusive than that. It is a feeling of having the ability to regulate and guide your own actions. It is a feeling of confidence and competence that you can handle whatever happens in day to day life. It is also a deep core feeling of strength that you can tap into so that you will feel your life is your own.
I want to make an illustration to help you understand control in a way that makes it attainable. Think of this whole newsletter as the whole World. The big circle is your world. And the small dark circle inside the large circle is all that you can control in the whole world. When you control what is yours to control (the small dark circle) and do not attempt to control what is not yours to control (the big circle or more), then you feel "in control". But when you try to control what is outside the dark circle, you are trying to control what is not yours to control, you feel as if you have "no control". If you do not control what is yours to control in the dark circle, you will feel "out of control". And moreover if you allow someone else to take over and control what is yours to control then you feel "controlled" by them. The combin-ation of all of these different ways of not being "in control" makes people feel intense feelings such as anger, resentment, or anxiety which they then call "losing control".
"Jill" had a habit of never putting gas in her car (not controlling something that was hers to control). Several times on her way to our therapy sessions, Jill called me saying she had run out of gas, feeling very anxious (out of control). Jill's mother used to constantly remind Jill to put gas in her car (letting someone else control something that is yours to control), and Jill would complain to me that her mother was always telling her what to do. "She's trying to control me and my life." I pointed out to Jill how her own behavior reinforced and perpetuated the problem with her mother. Jill realized that by taking back control of the situation, by making sure that her gas tank was always full, her mother was able to back down and Jill again felt in control of her own life.
Another problem is when some people seek control the same as they seek perfection. They think that if they are always in control, then they will never say or do the wrong thing, they will never make a mistake and then bad things will never happen to them. Because they have a hard time not being in control of everything, they tend to overwhelm themselves (lose control) by trying to do too many things, perfectly. It is hard for them to allow others to do things for them, because they often feel that "If you want something done right, then you have to do it yourself." They, also, want to control everything that other people think, say and do, and the thought that other people may have negative feelings or thoughts about them is unbearable.
"Kelly" often found herself feeling out of control. She felt her husband was controlling her. Her husband was an outspoken man and often suggested that Kelly do things a certain way. She would do these things even when she didn't feel like it or want to because she said "He made me do it". She also felt that she could not do things she wanted to because, "He won't let me." My reply was that unless someone has a weapon, they cannot "make you" do anything. We discussed what was controlling her, and she realized that she was afraid to disagree with her husband because he might get angry at her. When we pursued this further, she did not think that he would ever hurt her in any way, but just the thought that he might get angry and be displeased made her feel very anxious. So, her own fear of his reaction to her behavior was what was really controlling her. We worked with the "part" of her who feared anger, so that she could decide for herself whether she wanted to do something or not. If she did want to do something, she did it because she wanted to, not because she felt she had to, or that he was making her. And also, if she did not want to do something, she was able to tell him why and deal directly with his reaction. Surprisingly, most of the time when she said no, he did not react in anger and they were able to discuss what they wanted to do instead. When he did get angry, Kelly was able to soothe that young part within which got scared, so that they were able to discuss it without Kelly feeling like she had to give in. The result was that Kelly felt much less overwhelmed and much more in control of her own life.
When I give the circle example to people, I often get two responses. One is relief. "You mean I don't have to control everything! I just have to control what is mine?" The other reaction is disappointment. "No! If I don't control everything then I will be unimportant! I'll be nothing!" But it is by feeling in control of your own life that you recapture a true feeling of inner power, which is very far from being a nothing.
In my office I have a sampler upon which is stitched The Serenity Prayer, with one small 'revision'. It reads:
God, Grant me the Serenity
To Accept the Things
I Cannot Control,
Courage to Control
The Things I can,
And Wisdom to
Know The Difference.
I wish you Serenity, Courage and Wisdom.
Amy
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the Director and Founder of The Awakening Center. She works with clients individually and in groups to establish balance, cooperation and harmony among their "parts"; and a feeling of calmness, compassion and inner strength from their core "self". She specializes in women's issues especially: eating disorders and body image problems; depression, anxiety, low self-esteem; couples commun-ication and parenting skills; spiritual and personal growth. Sliding fee/Insurance Available.
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"Julie's" Food Year Journal in Review, Part 2
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD
The following article is Part 2 of "Julie's" journey to heal disordered eating. As I said in Part 1, I ask my clients to reflect on how their responses with food are different than in the past. Also, how differently are they viewing and caring for their bodies, how are they more fully living their lives. In the year that I have known "Julie" I have seen her tackle more and more of life's challenges and become more of her own person, as she continues to free herself of the shackles of dieting. In just the last month, Julie endured a personal crisis and did not turn to food. She's really doing well even if she's not all the way there. Marianne K. Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD June: .....I went to Marianne for the first time. I felt really frightened when Marianne would not assure me that I would remain thin. She called it a "leap of faith".
July: I started dating "Bill". I moved home and working part time at my Dad's company. I continued to work with Marianne. I bought loose fitting clothes.
August: I stopped compulsively exercising. The M&M cookie phase ended. I decided to stop writing down everything I ate.
Sept: My friend Michele came to Chicago to visit. She said "Oh my gosh, Julie, you're eating again!" She was so happy that the old, fun me had returned. I felt really proud. It seemed strange to talk about it with "Bill" when he had never known me through my starvation years. Cooking at my parents' house was a pain. I started working with a new therapist. I began noticing changes in my body.
Oct: My marketing class began. I still was yelling at myself for eating out of mouth hunger. Packing a food bag became a greater challenge. I moved into a new house. For two weeks, there was no refrigerator, and I could not cook. I realized that I missed home cooked meals.
Nov: My life at work became very hectic. I craved salads with lots of dressing. I never thought the day would come.
Dec: I got into a fried food rut. I got tired of french fries, and I was not at all interested in sweets. I didn't take time to take care of myself, and made very few trips to the grocery store. I saw a picture of myself when I was at my thinnest, and did not think I looked good. I actually wanted vegetables sometimes. On Christmas, I overate and got a little panicky, but realized that it was because the entire weekend was very stressful. Even though I was doing a lot of yelling at myself because of my eating and I still had a lot of bad body thoughts, I really have come full circle.
JUNE 1996: It has been six months since my 1995 Food Year in review. I have learned that my eating experiences and my relationship to food are ever changing. My body size continues to change, as do my attitudes about myself.
Sometimes I yell and sometimes I accept my body. I can connect my bad body thoughts to my feelings. I now wear comfortable clothes and my family does not comment to me about my body. The good news is that despite my struggles, ambivalence, and triumphs, I will never diet again. Last weekend I attended a picnic. Two years ago, the entire event would have been overshadowed by the food - how much to eat, whether or not to binge, how much to restrict. This year, I didn't even think about the food until that morning. After I ate lunch, I yelled a little, but then went on to enjoy four hours of fun, games and camaraderie. The food was just one of the many aspects of the day I was able to enjoy. "Julie"
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ANAD Support Group News Inner Growth
By "Janet"
Little seeds in the earth appear dead but the subtle movements are so powerful that eventually this seed will sprout into a unique flower.
Recovering from an eating disorder is like this, too. On the outside it can look like so little progress, that it can discourage even ourselves. We need a place to be able to explore and share the activity that is going on in our "seed selves".
I have found such a place to help me reverence the small steps of growth that are the process of recovery. In the weekly ANAD group, by sharing the issues I am "eating over" or that are fueling my "food thoughts" and "fat thoughts", I begin to get a sense of my deeper thoughts and feelings. I sometimes emerge with a felt sense of the "I" that often is lost in dieting, bingeing, purging and obsessing.
The groups' and leaders' loving attention is like sunlight penetrating my soil and encouraging me to risk. I feel nourished and refreshed by their sharing of stories. I sometimes see new alternatives, new paths I might c hoose to travel upward through the soil to reach the sunlight and join the human community in ways that respect my hard won freedom.
It is not "Spring" yet in my hungry soul - but there is a new hunger "to be all I was created to be".