"I have read every book there is on eating disorders. I could recite everything there is about eating disorders. I don’t understand why I can’t get it through my head and just eat normally. I don’t know what’s wrong with me."

When I hear this from clients or from members of the ANAD support group, I tell them, "Recovery isn’t through the head, we can’t think our way to recovery, you have to recover through your body." My response is usually met with quizzical looks. Most women with eating disorders live their lives in their heads, almost as if they have vacated their bodies. They are adept at thinking their way out of anything, out of their emotions, even their body sensations for hunger, fullness, fatigue and thirst. In order to recover, they need to get out of their heads and back into their bodies.

"What do you mean get out of my head?" Well first I must reiterate that eating disorders are not about food, eating or weight, but rather a lack of a sense of "self" - kind of like going downhill, on a winding mountain road, at night, in a horrendous thunderstorm, on a bus, WITHOUT A DRIVER!! It is very scary, like life is spinning out of control around you and there’s nothing you can do about it!

The "missing self" is often experienced as an inner emptiness, dark and frightening - and because the person knows something is missing but doesn’t know what - often this emptiness is judged as "I’m wrong, bad or defective. "

But you were not born this way, I guarantee it!

When you were born you were whole and perfect in everyway!! Around the age of 2 you formed a sense of self. Children of this age are very physical and express their likes & dislikes mainly through their bodies and voices. Picture yourself at 2 and maybe you’ll see a child running through a backyard sprinkler, laughing aloud. You felt good about your "self" and about your body.

This is also when you discovered a very powerful word: "NO!" (Kind of like "I disagree, therefore I am!") Each time a child says "No, I don’t like that" she is actually affirming her sense of self. And if you were raised in the "Mr. Rogers" style of parenting you would be told, "You are perfect just being you", "People can like you just the way you are". This also affirms your sense of self.

But most women who have eating disorders were not raised in this manner. They learned early on "In order to be loved by you , I have to give up pieces of being me." (Of course being born a female in a male-dominated society that says "Women should not express anger, be loud, speak their minds, be too physically active, have an appetite for food or sex" just sets the stage for these kinds of messages.)

Think back and remember what you were taught early on about being your "self". Were you called a crybaby, or told you were too sensitive? Then you had to sacrifice your emotions in order to please someone else. And since you couldn’t, you replaced being comfortable with your emotions with shame

"What’s wrong with me that I have these feelings?"

Maybe you were placed in the role of being your mother’s mother. You had to sacrifice your need for nurturance in order to take care of her. Again, when you couldn’t, you thought "I’m too needy." Every time your feelings were invalidated: ("I’m sad." "No, you’re not. You have nothing to be sad about"), you stopped trusting your feelings and self-doubt grew. If you lived in an abusive environment where you were told that you were worthless, unlovable, or unwanted, you stopped feeling good and believed these messages instead.

So, scattered in your past are pieces of your "self", and where your "self" should have been you began to feel a "hole". If you have no sense of self, the body becomes simply an empty container, a thing. And of course how that thing, that container looks becomes very important. "I have to look good in order to be worthy." "I don’t know who I am, so I have to act how others want me to be."

What happens then is that rather than trust our "self" which speaks to us through our body (our gut wisdom), we start to live in our head. We think about everything. And we get very good at talking ourselves out of anything. Rather than trust our emotions, we say things like "He didn’t really mean to hurt my feelings, he’s just tired." Or "I shouldn’t be angry, I must have done something to deserve this." "I can’t speak up, no one will ever like or love me if I complain." And because we don’t trust our bodies either, especially with our emphasis on "looking good" in a society that says you have to be "pin thin" in order to be beautiful, we can talk ourselves out of listening to our body cues too. "I can’t really be hungry, I just ate an apple three hours ago." "No one else is eating, so I shouldn’t need to eat yet either." "I’m not really tired today, I’m just a lazy slug."

"So what can be done about this?" The goal is to turn off the head long enough to listen to that very quiet voice inside that "knows". I’m not talking about a thinking kind of knowing, but a deep "gut instinct" kind of knowing. This is the voice of the "self", what I often refer to as "Wisdom". It is often difficult for clients to listen to wisdom because the voices of their other parts are usually so much louder and more urgent. These voices are also more familiar because you’ve been listening to them so much longer. In order to get to "wisdom", you may need to imagine wading through a crowd of people who all want to get your attention, telling each one, "I’ll be with you in a moment" or "I’ll be right back". Sometimes I’ll suggest that a client visualize turning off switches that control speakers, so that the voices are quiet enough to hear "wisdom".

"So what? Why would I want to listen to wisdom?" When you are in wisdom, in your "self", you feel centered and calm. A quiet peacefulness comes over you. You feel more assured, more confident in your ability to handle whatever comes your way. When you find your "self" its like getting into the drivers seat of that bus. Most people say the first thing they would do is put their foot on the brake and slow down. By steering the bus themselves you take control of your life, its not so scary and out of control.

In the next newsletter I will write more about the "self" especially about using the self to get the "parts" back in balance and harmony. In the meantime you may want help finding your "self" and can do so by taking the MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR SELF workshop on October 14. You also will experience the "self" in our other MAKE PEACE workshops and in the new therapy group I am starting on Thursday evening. I also recommend the following books which describe further the sacrifice of the sense of self: When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends by Victoria Secunda, The Drama of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller, and Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher.

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC runs the ANAD support group on Tuesday evenings and is starting a new women’s therapy group on Thursday evening. For more info, contact her at (773) 929-6262 ext 1.

Thursday evenings, 7:30-9pm
Insurance Accepted/Sliding Fee. Limited spaces available.
Call Amy Grabowski (773) 929-6262 ext 1.

Eating Disorders Support Group: Tuesdays 7:15-8:45pm
This ongoing group is open to women (Anorexic, Bulimic, Compulsive Eater) who want a safe place to discuss struggles and successes with other women in recovery. No charge: suggested donation $2/week. No preregistration, join any week by just "showing up". (Sponsored by ANAD)

Note from Amy:

I received this letter from a member of the ANAD support group and since it really spells out the benefit of the group, I wanted to share it here.

When I was growing up in Connecticut there was a 100 acre farm across the road from our housing development. I remember the farmers, Pearl and Wilfred Lamb. They were down-to-earth, outspoken, elderly folks who loved shooting the breeze with my Dad. They had a dirt driveway that went past their house and storage barn ending at their farm stand. It was a small white building with a cement floor and the entrance was an open garage door. The produce sat in wooden boxes on shelves around the room affixed with price signs, a hanging scale and a cash register were in the corner.

In June we’d go up for strawberries. We’d usually opt to pick them from the field and end up with red sweet smelling stains on our shorts from squeezing in between the rows trying to reach all the berries under the leaves. As summer went on and I was old enough I was sent to walk up and buy family favorites of cucumbers, tomatoes, corn, and plums. I remember having to wait for just the right time when we could buy sweet corn.

Much has changed since that time. I dreamed of having a big garden to grow the majority of my own fruits and vegetables, but now I live an urban life with a small yard. Like the majority of Americans, many of my foods come from far away places. My choices of foods in the marketplace are now incredibly numerous compared to the time when I was growing up. One can get a grand variety of produce all year round. There is a multitude of packaged ready-made meals and snacks and thousands of new food items are introduced into the supermarket all the time.

We are also now generations removed from dietary customs which were based partly on necessity; eating what you can produce at home in your own garden or what is produced locally. We often bring home a packaged food, cook it and are taken back to the factory where it was made. We take colorful packages home and find when opened that the foods are similarly beige.

Linda Harper, a clinical psychologist, specializing in eating and diet-related problems offers help in discovering a new way to envision your relationship with food. In her book, The Tao of Eating, she writes, "This new approach combines the philosophy of Taoism – a return to nature - with the soulful approach to life – listening to your inner voice in your daily experiences. It allows you to discover your natural ability to make food choices that energize your body, enlighten your mind, and bring enjoyment to your soul."

In the last two years I’ve had an opportunity to once again connect with the farming community, the land, and my food. I (actually me and my family) became a shareholder with Angelic Organics Farm. This means that a preseason share is purchased and that results in a weekly bag of fresh produce during the 20 week harvest season. Experiencing seasonal, local produce June through October, going to visit the farmers, and seeing how the food grows in the field has been a way to feed my soul. The farm is not just for shareholders. Consider that survivors of torture, refugees, and others with trauma have had opportunities to come to the farm for horticultural therapy via the farms Learning Center. That’s the power of produce at its source!

The popularity of farmer’s markets is another opportunity in current times for the soulful path with food. Meeting farmers week after week, talking with them about their specialty crops and how to prepare them adds a deeper dimension to one’s food life. Dietitian Betsy Cashen writes, "When we are motivated to make changes because it represents an opportunity to add meaning to our life, that is when our actions have real significance."

To make a shift from the life-of-a-dieter to a more soulful eater consider the following exercise from Harper’s, The Tao of Eating:

Make a list entitled Rediscovering Food Choices. These are choices that would please your soul while helping to satisfy your body’s nutritional needs. Here is an idea of what this list might look like:

• Try different kinds of bread. Visit a specialty bread shop or make homemade breads that meet your nutritional needs.
• Hot and cold cereals mixed with fruit are delicious at breakfast, lunch, and dinner or as a snack.
• A variety of fruit cut up and mixed together can be colorful, fun, and healthy. Throw in a new fruit.
• It’s always fun to try a new vegetable soup, chili, and stew—or create your own. Throw in whatever you want.
• Visit the local farm market or go fruit picking.
• If you know you do not want to eat a fruit or a vegetable, don’t force it. Eat what you want.

Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, will be leading Rediscovering Food Choices and Body Trust Video.

The process of becoming a soulful eater begins from where we are now. Come for an evening of exploration and discussion which may very well start you on a whole new path. This program includes a sampling of this fall's produce for you to see, touch, smell, and taste. Come meet The Awakening Center Nutritionists, Marianne and Elisa.
Suggested donation: $6.

Video and discussion with staff Nutritionists, Marianne and Elisa and Exercise Physiologist/ Personal Trainer, Marilyn Glielmi. With Body Trust you can learn to:

• Eat less and make healthy food choices without restrictive dieting.
• Enjoy physical activity without punishing exercise routines.
• Love your body, whatever its size, shape, or weight.

Suggested donation: $6.
For information or registration please call Marianne or Elisa at (773) 929-6262 ext 3.

What is Normal Eating?
Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, RD, LD

In our culture so many of us struggle with this idea of "normal" eating. It is a relatively useless term when you consider what is "normal" in America is not "normal" in Asia or Africa or most parts of the world. If you gathered 10 dietitians together, they could argue for days on what is "normal" eating.

Recently a colleague shared with me the following definition of "normal" eating. It is from an excellent new book by Ellyn Satter titled Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family, ©1999. This highly recommended book can provide inspiration and guidance for many of us. It is readily available through most bookstores and has many "pearls of wisdom" to offer. Here is one:

WHAT IS NORMAL EATING?

In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food, and your feelings.

Nourishing Concepts Mondays 6:00-7:15pm A small weekly nutrition counseling group for women who want to make positive changes in their eating & lifestyle. It is especially helpful for ending emotional overeating and chronic dieting. Elisa D’Urso-Fischer, (773) 929-6262 ext 16.

From time to time we ask other professionals to write about a subject that we feel would be of interest to our readers. Marilyn Glielmi along with Elisa and Marianne will be presenting the video "Body Trust" on November 6. How many times have you been told to exercise more and eat less? Has it helped you to be healthier? The use of external eating and exercise directives is not working very well at all. Most people do not participate in a regular exercise program and the long-term result is guilt and frustration.

Close your eyes and picture children at play - running, jumping, skipping rope and playing hopscotch. They move because it feels good, and their bodies respond by wanting to move more. We adults have lost touch with the intrinsic pleasure in exercise. By rediscovering the joy of movement, we can learn to love exercise.

Recommendations for beginning a pleasure-based exercise program:

EJ Wilton is a second year Art Therapy graduate student intern from The Adler School of Professional Psychology.

Art therapy is a powerful experience that brings order out of chaos by integrating a person’s body, thoughts and feelings into an organized core-self through creative expression.

Many who first hear of art therapy initially may feel intimidated because they fear they "can't draw" or "can't create". We are all creative beings that all have the capacity for self-expression when given the opportunity to do so in a safe environment. The goal of art therapy is to elicit the truest and most honest expressions of "self" in a nurturing and nonjudgmental atmosphere.

The power of art therapy helps in discovering deeper levels of one's self and the world and to establish a peaceful relationship between the two.

These ongoing process-oriented groups are for those who want to augment their individual therapy with a visual way to express and explore issues around Anorexia, Bulimia or Compulsive Eating. Members MUST also be in individual therapy (not necessarily at The Awakening Center). No Charge, a one time $20 material fee is requested. Group limited to only 6 members. Call for information: (773) 929-6262 ext 1.

Individual Art Therapy Sessions

"EJ" Wilton will be offering a limited number of openings for Individual Art Therapy. Individuals must also be in psychotherapy (no necessarily at The Awakening Center). No Charge, a one time $20 material fee is requested. Call: (773) 929-6262 ext 1.

We are pleased to announce the addition of a new therapist, Susan Bachman, MSW, LCSW to The Awakening Center.

While Susan’s psychotherapy practice is quite varied, one of her special areas of expertise is in working with parents who have very young children. Susan is interested in helping people to identify their needs and to find ways of making positive life changes accordingly. She works with adults, adolescents, and children of all ages in individual, couples and family therapy. Susan can be reached at (773) 880-0947.