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Rubber
Bands and Tuning Forks “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission ” Eleanor Roosevelt “It happens all the time. My boss will criticize one little part of a report and suddenly I feel like I’m just not good enough. I spend the rest of the day seeing all the ways I just don’t measure up. By the time I make it home at night I feel totally worthless.” What makes you feel inferior? You might say your boss, your mother, your husband/partner, your friends. It may even be people you don’t even know. According to a recent University of Toronto study, women who read magazines full of ads featuring skinny female models, suffer more from low self-esteem than those who don’t. A source of constant frustration and helplessness, we are surrounded by images of women who are “perfect” in every way. We realize that we can’t control others from making negative remarks or from having negative opinions. We can’t stop the advertising industry from using “perfect” skinny female models. We can’t change the way TV or movies glorify the woman who can do it all perfectly. But we can stop giving them permission to make us feel inferior. How? Get rid of the rubber band thoughts and change the tuning fork in your head. Huh??? A rubber band thought is when we take a casual comment or event and twist it and stretch it until it means something totally different from the original comment or event. Someone doesn’t return a phone call, and you say, “If they really cared about me they would have called today. They must not really like me. Who am I kidding? No one really likes me anyway.” These rubber band thoughts are based on distorted thinking patterns. If we could get rid of the distortions, then our thoughts would be based on facts and realities rather than “rubber bands”. I will often ask clients, “Would those thoughts hold up in a court of law? What are the facts?” The fact is that there are hundreds of reasons why someone wouldn’t return a phone call: working late, got sick, car troubles, felt overwhelmed. And the fact is that 99.99% of these reasons have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, or your worth as a human being! The client’s comeback is often, “But I feel....” (In court you’d hear, “Objection!”) Negative feelings about our-selves are often based on more rubber band thoughts, distortions. Changing how we feel about ourselves means listening to what we tell ourselves so that we can then OWN OUR OWN THOUGHTS. When Cindy Crawford appears in a magazine, she is not thinking a thing about you, your body or your worth as a human being. You are! You are the one who is saying, “Her body looks so great, I’m a worthless lump!” Did you recognize the rubber band in that thought? Great! I knew you’d catch on. But what about when someone does criticize us. That’s the tuning fork. Did you know that if you had two tuning forks that were the same key and you struck one, the second one would start resonating? If they were different, the second one would remain silent. To illustrate this, imagine that someone told you to shave half of your head, paint an American Flag on your face and wear a pink striped square-dance dress to work tomorrow. Most of us would find that nothing happens, there is no resonance. Why? Because you don’t have a tuning fork in your head agreeing with the comment. Now imagine someone saying, “I liked your hair before you cut it.” Wow! Did you feel your tuning fork resonate? What that means is that when someone criticizes us we also hear an echo of the same criticism in our heads that was already there. Unconsciously we are agreeing with them. But often a tuning fork will turn into a rubber band. For example, your boss loves the report you did but wants you to change the wording to make it more “user friendly”. First the tuning fork, “I should have re-read the section to hear it out loud.” Then the rubber bands, “I never take enough time with my reports. What’s wrong with me. I’ll never get any where with this firm. They must all think I am just a bimbo.” In this example, the tuning fork was actually helpful. If we had just stopped with the tuning fork we would have learned something valuable that would have made us “Learn and Grow”. But the rubber band thoughts prevent us from making small steps of growth because we twist it into a matter of personal worth. But what about when the tuning fork isn’t helpful? If, for example, your mother is a very critical person, whenever you see her she starts criticizing your hair, your job, your partner, your vacation plans, etc, etc, etc. It would be so easy to slip into the same pattern of resonance with her and walk away feeling hopeless and worthless. Instead, we need to realize that her negativity is her issue, not ours. We can then remind ourselves that we are working on more important issues in our recovery program. We can reflect upon our many baby steps of progress. How do we stop our tuning fork? First we need to become aware of what we are telling ourselves. Many women in our society have tuning forks that unconsciously agree that “tall, thin women are superior to short or large women”. If we look at all our thoughts consciously, we find we really don’t agree with them. We can substitute rational factual thoughts that help us achieve what is really important in our lives. The book, Feeling Good by David Burns, is very helpful in learning how to challenge negative distorted thoughts and substituting rational facts in their place. He advocates writing down your thoughts, but if writing turns you off saying them out loud or making an appointment with yourself to think about it can also work. I often suggest that you imagine that a friend is with you all day. When you are having rubber band thoughts, ask yourself, “Would I say this to my friend? Would I call my friend a worthless lump?” No? What would you say? You’d tell her that not everyone is genetically designed to look like Cindy Crawford and that she has many attractive qualities of her own. You’d tell her that just because her boss told her to change the wording that she still is a likable and competent person. You’d tell her that just because she can’t please her mother doesn’t mean she is worthless and hopeless. You’d tell her that you like her just the way she is. Eventually you will be able to tell yourself these things too. Amy Grabowski co-leads the “Make Peace” Workshops: Make Peace With Food (October 16), Make Peace with Your Body (October 17), and Make Peace with Your Self (October 22). (See page 3 for more information). For the last 13 years, she has helped many people untwist their rubber band thoughts and re-adjust their tunings forks. If you’d like to explore these issues further with her individually, call her at (773) 929-6262 ext. 1. Nutrition
Q&A: Cravings In this column, one of the registered dieticians from The Awakening Center will answer your questions. You may send them to Nutrition Q&A, via email at info@awakeningcenter.net Q: “I heard that if you crave a certain food it means that you are allergic to it. I often have a craving for sweets and wonder if I should stay away from sugar entirely. But when I try to not eat sweets I find myself bingeing on them. What do you think?” A: Many people mistakenly think repeated cravings for a food is an indication of a food allergy. There is a lack of scientific evidence to support this. Yet there is strong scientific evidence that depriving yourself of something you want can actually heighten your desire for that very item. (There are biological effects as well.) The moment you banish a food, cravings run rampant. To read further about the scientific evidence concerning the psychological effects of deprivation I recommend “Intuitive Eating” by Tribole and Resch. To help understand one’s individual responses to foods it is helpful to know the difference between food allergy and food intolerance. A food allergy is when the body thinks a harmless food is harmful. The immune system then be comes over-active and triggers typical allergic reactions: tingling or swelling in the mouth and throat, hives, vomiting, stomach cramps or diarrhea that set in anywhere from two minutes to two hours after eating a food. Eight foods cause 90% of all allergic reactions: peanuts, tree nuts (i.e. almonds, cashews, pecans and walnuts), fish, shellfish, eggs, milk, soy and wheat. A food intolerance is an adverse reaction that can result from a variety of mechanisms including contamination, enzyme deficiencies (like lactose intolerance), metabolic diseases (like gluten intolerance), or behavioral disorders. A food journal is a great tool for sorting out both physical and psychological responses and reactions to foods. Many preprinted journals include a column for noting thoughts and feelings. This is an opportunity to record thoughts that go along with food cravings or tracking physical symptoms, following a meal or snack. Looking back over these records helps you identify patterns. As patterns emerge problem solving can begin. Marianne Evans - Ramsay, RD, LD can be reached at (773) 929-6262 ext 16 if you have questions about food cravings or allergies. She offers a gentle step-by-step approach to normalizing disordered eating styles. She has experience helping those who struggle with food allergies, food intolerances and diabetes. Nourishing
Concepts “I want to do this right this time...I’ve lost weight before on all sorts of diets, but it always comes back. Can you help me?” “I’ve got to lose weight...it’s getting to be a health concern... Can you help me?” “I’m trying to give up dieting and just be healthier...Can you help me?” The Nourishing Concepts Nutrition Group was established in response to concerns just like these. It is a highly individualized nutrition counseling group that explores nutrition information as well as the many social and emotional issues tied to eating and food. We start each group with a reading from “Live Large”, Cheri Erdman’s book of daily affirmations and “size-wise” actions that help build self-esteem and self-acceptance. These passages have sparked many lively discussions on what it means to be large in our culture. These discussions are an important part of what makes being in a group so valuable. The sharing and understanding that is possible to get only in a group like this is very, very healing. Recently, I asked current group members to describe how being in the group has helped them: “Knowing that other women have many of the same issues as myself makes me feel less alone.” “Just having other people to talk to about food/body issues aids in my self-acceptance.” “Laughing about and having a sense of humor about the diet mentality is crucial.” and “I realize that I’m OK.” A big part of this work is learning how to accept and love ourselves. We take good care of things we love, and taking good care of ourselves leads to nourishing eating and nourishing ways of addressing and coping with our feelings. There are openings available in this group. For more information, about “Nourishing Concepts”, call Elisa D’Urso-Fischer at: (773) 929-6262 ext 16.
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