The Awakening Center Newsletter

Right Brain/Left Brain and The Flip Side of the Same Coin
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

"Discover the person you were meant to be". You may have seen this tagline on our stationary or newsletters. In the last newsletter I ended my article by saying "In order to recover our "selves", we need to reclaim our right to be who we were meant to be." What do I mean "meant to be"?

Many of my clients, if not all, come to me saying they don't like who they are. They don't believe themselves to be likeable and have spent many years trying to be someone else; trying to not be themselves. Bonnie* remembers being told by her mother, "Why can't you be more like your sister, Bev? She's so quiet, (smart, good, neat, fill in the blank)." Bonnie on the other hand was physically active, talkative, funny and outspoken. As a child she started to believe that being active, talkative, funny and (especially) outspoken were "bad" and that there was something wrong with her. As she describes it she felt, "defective, not good enough". In order to get her mother's approval she had to stop being herself. She had to quiet the voice of her "Self" inside her. She did this by starving herself, by starving her "Self".

I want to tell you about two books I have read. This may seem like I am going off on one of my tangents, but I promise that it is relevant and I will come back to Bonnie's story later. My two children have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). They can both be very distractible, inattentive and in their own worlds. Helping them finish their homework can be excruciatingly difficult. Sometimes I would feel like I was going to lose my mind! Then I read Right-Brained Children in a Left-Brained World. As I read this book, I not only recognized my children, but myself and most of my clients as well.

You see, according to the author, the world is mostly left-brained: logical, analytical, orderly, sequential. Left-brained individuals "like making and following rules. They have a greater tendency to accept and appreciate what they hear and read rather than questioning and thinking independently. They like the familiar and the predictable; they often feel uncomfortable with new ideas, challenges, and surprises. They shine in jobs that involve a lot of routine and are at their worst when a crisis erupts that calls for creative problem solving." (Interpret that as: black and white thinking patterns, difficulty with transitions and change, rigidity: always solve problems in same way, never try anything different. These are hallmark characteristics of families of people with eating disorders!)

Right-brained individuals on the other hand are visual, holistic, whole-to-part learners; they excel at multi-tasking. They are intuitive, empathic and sensitive, both physically and emotionally. "They see a minimal need for rules, are impulsive, question authority, and embrace new challenges and ideas. They are highly competitive and perfectionistic."1 (Does that sound like Bonnie? Does that sound like you?)

As I said earlier, this describes most of my clients. Because they are intuitive, empathic and sensitive to other's feelings and moods, as children they learned how to "read" other people. But because they were children, they were not able to distinguish an opinion from a fact. Many of them came from left-brained families who did not like things or people that were "different". Define different? To a left-brained individual, different is anything that is unfamiliar or qualities that they cannot personally understand. Remember, left-brained individuals are uncomfortable with new ideas and challenges. Intuition, sensitivity, impulsivity, etc. are qualities that were often devalued, overtly or covertly. "Don't be so sensitive!" Does that sound familiar? After hearing these things over and over, many of these negative opinions are internalized into a definition of who they "think they should be".

(Because empathy and sensitivity are right brain qualities, left-brainers are unable to be sensitive to the impact of their words on the right-brainer. The frustration is that there is no appropriate "come back" to a left-brainer. "You're too insensitive" doesn't have the same "sting" to it. It is in my own humble "right-brained" opinion that the world needs more sensitive people. It would be hard to start a war if you were sensitive to the fact that each soldier has a family who loves him/her. It would be hard to hate another person if you could empathize with them. So when someone says to me, "You're too sensitive." I say, "Thank you.")

Now I don't mean I want you to blame your parents for your problems. This isn't about blame, this is about accepting responsibility for what is yours, and letting go of what is not. Not all parents are insensitive to their children, or deliberately put them down. Over the years I really have come to believe that most of my client's come from homes where their parents are doing the best they can. As my own mother said "Babies don't come with instruction manuals." But, there is quite a range of what constitutes "the best" these parents are capable of: from truly loving and well meaning, to inwardly empty and hurting, to intentionally sick and sadistic. As one client once aptly put it, "If they ain't got it, they can't give it." But I think it's helpful to realize where some of this devaluing came from even if the source didn't mean to make you feel devalued. If we can understand it, sometimes it's easier to change something.

So now that you are thinking, "Oh, I'm right-brained that's why I felt different", I'll tell you about another book that was very helpful, Teenagers With ADD, a Parent's Guide. Authors Jeffrey Freed and Laurie Parsons help parents of ADD children to see attributes of ADD in a positive light. For example, my children are highly distractible. Our family joke is that they can be distracted by air! If I view distractibility as negative, I might yell at them and make them feel bad about themselves. But if I look at it as a sign of their immense curiosity about how things work and the relationship of things in the world around them, I treat it positive. When they are distracted I remind them of their curious natures and help them to keep their curiosity in check until it is more appropriate to do so. They actually come away from this feeling better about themselves ("I'm curious!") but also in their ability to turn on and off certain behaviors ("I can focus now and not lose my momentum.").
There is a flip side to every coin. Every quality or characteristic you have, even ones that others in your family didn't like, even one's that you don't like, can be seen as positive. Let's look at Bonnie again. It was easy for her to view being active as a good thing: being athletic is already a plus in our society. She started viewing her sense of humor as an advantage. The ability to put others at ease, to break through tension by saying something funny can be a real asset. Humor is also a way to view life less seriously.

Bonnie had trouble finding anything positive in being outspoken. (It is often the outspoken member of the family that clashes the most with the critical parent, because she may speak about those things that the family ignores, hoping it will go away. "Don't rock the boat!" is a common family motto.) When we started to discuss people throughout history who were outspoken, for example Rosa Parks, she began to see that outspoken people have a strong sense of justice and can make changes in the world by saying "I don't like this. I think this is wrong." I asked her to think of what would happen if there were no outspoken people in the world. When she could link her outspoken nature with her power to make changes then she could appreciate this quality too.

Getting back to what I said in the beginning of this article, the person you were meant to be was born whole, lovable and likeable, perfect just as she was. When we can shed others' opinions about these qualities, then we can decide for ourselves that we are "good enough".

I'll talk more about this in my next article: "Rescuing the Child"

*"Bonnie" is a composite of several clients; all names have been changed to protect the privacy of all involved.
Right-Brained Children in a Left-Brained World; Jeffrey Freed and Laurie Parsons, 1997, Simon & Schuster
Teenagers with ADD, a Parent's Guide; Chris Zeigler Dendy, 1995, Woodbine House

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC: "I am writing a book on recovering from an eating disorder and would find it very helpful in my writing process to have input from you. I invite you to a series of free lectures/dialogs/discussions based on the chapters of the book."

Top Ten Lies Your Scale May Be Telling You
Kathleen Check, Student Intern

Lie #10: You are weak willed if your body does not resemble a fashion model's body.

Lie #9: If you could just exercise for two hours instead of one, you wouldn't feel fat anymore.

Lie #8: You would have more friends if you lost 5 pounds.

Lie #7: You would have more friends, socialize more, and have a boyfriend/husband/significant-other if you lost 10 pounds.

Lie #6: You can see the frozen yogurt sundae you ate last night, on your hips!

Lie #5: You must have the perfect body to love yourself.

Lie #4: You have gained 5 pounds since yesterday.

Lie #3: If you purchase the size 6 dress (when you fit into a size 10), you will be motivated to diet and lose 10 pounds.

Lie #2: You can never be too thin.

Lie #1: You're fat and you will never be good enough.

Different people hear different things from their mirror. What is your mirror telling you? More importantly, what are you telling yourself about what you see?

Kathleen Check is a graduate student at National-Louis University. She is currently completing her internship with the Awakening Center and has appointments available for individual therapy at a reduced fee. She is also leading the ANAD Support Group on Saturdays, 10:30am-12noon.

Repealing Food Laws
Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD

The food police are the voices that scrutinize every eating action. It is the sum of the food rules that you adopted through dieting, read about in a magazine or book, or the ones you heard from family and friends. Dieting rules place trust in an external authority rather than an inner wisdom. Time and again clients describe their rule-bound eating: no eating after 6 p.m., minimal lunch before a dinner date, no breakfast because then I'll eat more the rest of the day, no sweets in the house, no butter or sauces on anything, etc. Think about the rules that dictated your eating today. Were they anything like these real food laws?

In Joliet Illinois, it is against the law to put cake in a cookie jar.
Banana peels can't be tossed on the streets of Waco, Texas.
Memphis, Tennessee, law prohibits the sale of bologna on Sunday.
In California, it is illegal to peel an orange in a hotel room.
Iowa State law makes it illegal to have a rotten egg in your possession.
In Gary, Indiana, it is against the law to ride a bus or attend a theater within four hours after eating garlic.
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backward on the sidewalk while a concert is playing.
Pennsville, New Jersey, has a law prohibiting anyone from selling baskets of fresh cucumbers within the town limits.
(Eat Your Words, Charlotte Foltz Jones, 1999)

Your food rules are probably much different than these laws, but perhaps it is time to begin to see your own food rules in the same light: odd, funny, and bizarre. These food laws were passed at one time, and some may have been repealed by now. To repeal your own food "laws" you can decide to imagine a new way to experience food, creating your own relationship with food.

Eating by rules results is an unnatural relationship with food and narrows the way you live. In The Tao of Eating, Linda R. Harper, Ph.D. encourages one to consider what Taoism teaches: emptying our minds of the artificial rules and knowledge that diets propose for weight loss. This is part of the process of undieting.
As this process begins, one can start making independent food choices. On a daily or hourly basis you begin to think about what you really want to eat and then eat it. You are not figuring out what you will eat tomorrow or next week. This requires a mindful attention to what your needs are in the here and now. Have pizza for breakfast, waffles for dinner, snack all day long if that is what your body needs. Eating what you really want also includes not eating what you really don't want. If you are not hungry in the evening then skip dinner, if you planned to have dessert but are too full, pass it up. You could also eat a few bites and leave the rest. You can leave food on your plate. You can choose to skip any meal or planned snack if that feels natural at the time.
This process takes a lot of practice, especially when one is not used to responding to the bodies' internal messages. This will take patience and persistence. On this path, there are no diet "deadlines" to strive for.

Marianne Evans-Ramsay, RD, LD works with clients in a gentle wholistic style to help them overcome eating disorders and disordered eating.

Art Therapy
Jenn Thill, Intern

"I have gained more insight through my participation in the Art Therapy Group than I have in verbal therapy", a current Art Therapy Group member reported recently.

The Art Therapy process can be a unique way to address personal issues. This process allows us to connect with our own non-verbal, visual language. It is important to realize that each of us DOES have the ability to connect with our creative selves. Art Therapy is NOT about being a great artist, it is about using the art process and product as a tool. Visual images, as well as verbal statements, compete and circle around in our heads…the art therapy process begins to make some of these images concrete. It is this tangible process and these tangible products that allow us to piece together our internal patterns and make sense of our external selves and how we view the world.

Jennifer Thill is a recent Art Therapy Graduate from Illinois State University. She is currently leading the art therapy group on Saturday mornings.

Feedback from a Reader

"I was reading an old issue of the Awakening Center's newsletter (May -August 2000), in which your article "What Do You Value?" asked for insights on this question.

I once read a book that asked the reader to list his/her true values and life goals and this is what I came up with:

1) Being a kind, fun, caring person who enriches the lives of others with my presence.
2) Continued education - intelligence.
3) Being at peace with myself and the world.
4) Having a long, healthy life.
5) Being a good friend, sister and daughter.
6) Creating, in my lifetime, something unique and lasting that can be enjoyed by others.

When I sat back and reviewed what I'd written, I realized that not a single one had anything to do with my physical appearance and I cried at the frustration of spending at least 95% of my day and my brain power thinking about something so insignificant."