|
|
|
Feeling
Like a "Disappointment" ("Bonnie" is a composite of many of my clients who have had similar experiences with similar reactions.) "Bonnie" came to my office feeling depressed. Over the weekend, she had attended a wedding (or a baby shower, or an engagement party) of a close friend. Even though she had a good time, she noticed a nagging doubt come over her. She started thinking, "I'll never get what my friend has." As the evening wore on she felt more and more alone. As we explored these feelings I wondered aloud what her friend had that she wanted. "I'll never be loved like she is," came the reply. I could have pointed out the distorted thinking patterns or her inability to predict the future, but instead I asked why she thought so. "I'm not lovable. There's something wrong with me." At that moment I knew what she was feeling because back in my own eating disordered days I too felt the same way. And even though I knew the answer I asked the next question anyway, "When was the first time you felt this way?" "I've felt it all my life." "As a child, what did you feel?" "Like I was a big disappointment to my parents." Many clients use words very similar to these. The events that trigger these feelings may be different, but the feelings almost always boil down to the same thing: "I'm a big disappointment to my parents. I'm not who they wanted as a child. There must be something wrong with me." I have to preface the next part by stating that I firmly believe that all children are born perfect and whole, likable and lovable, just as they are! And if nurtured in an accepting and validating environment, they would be "perfect" just being themselves. (Being a parent myself, I know that there are NO perfect parents, NO perfect environments. Even the most empathic, nurturing parent sometimes has bad days or says hurtful things now and then. And the messages I am talking about in this article are not the result of the few times that a parent rolls their eyes and sighs with exasperation, but rather the accumulated effect of repeated occurrences of negative responses to the child.) As I mentioned in the last newsletter many people with eating disorders got overt/or covert messages that said, "In order to be lovable, you should be different, you shouldn't be you." Now in the 14 years that I have been working with people with eating disorders I have consistently found them to be wonderful, likable, talented, incredible people, just as they are! So how did they develop the feeling that deep down inside they are "a disappointment"? I'd like to give an example from my own family. I have a son and a daughter who I love very much, but more importantly I really like them. I think they are both great kids and I enjoy being with them very much. My daughter, Alison and I are very much alike in both appearance and temperament. So while raising her, I often have been in situations where it feels like I am watching old movies of my own childhood. When Alison was only 6 years old, she and her cousin James were hiking around in the woods by my parents house. I was relaxing and talking to the rest of the family, when all of a sudden we heard both kids screaming! They had disturbed a bees nest and Alison was stung repeatedly on her back. (If you've ever been stung by a bee you know how painful and frightening that can be! Now imagine that you are only 6.....) I ran as fast as I could, scooped her up in my arms and carried her, up the hill, to my parents house. She continued to scream and cry as we inspected the stings. My father volunteered to drive into town to buy some children's Tylenol and Benedryl for her. Sitting in a rocking chair together, I rocked her for a long time, applying ice to her back, while she continued to cry. I kept telling her, "It's going to be OK. Mommy's here." Eventually, my father arrived and we gave her the medicines and she was able to fall asleep. Why am I telling you this story? It's because of my mother's reaction to the event. After we left she told my sister, "Alison always makes such a big deal about everything. She's such a drama queen." My first reaction was anger. "How dare she criticize my daughter! She's just a little girl!" I wanted to say I didn't care if my mother liked my daughter or not, that I liked her and thought she was a very likable little girl. But it really bothered me that my mother often didn't like my daughter. She's too "flamboyant", too outspoken for my mother, who prefers children who play quietly in the corner, who are "no bother". Then an incredible sense of sadness came over me. I started remembering all the times when I was a little girl and also was told in overt and covert ways that I was "too much", or "too over-the-top". I didn't feel liked or likable. I felt like a disappointment, like there was something wrong with me. And each time this happened I would try to not be me and a little bit more of my "self" was sacrificed. I included this example to show that the problem doesn't lie in the personality of the child. But rather in the needs, preferences, or expectations of the parent. Maybe the "disappoint-ments" from your past are less tangible. If your parents wanted you to be an "easy child" then every time you were "fussy" you would feel their disappointment. If you were supposed to be a perfect showcase child, then every time you were messy or made a mistake (when you were "human"), they would be disappointed. If your body was supposed to be skinnier than it was genetically meant to be, they would be disappointed. If you were supposed to make mommy "happy",... yep, you guessed it, disappointment. And each time you may have vowed to be a different person, to not be your "self". One of the developmental tasks a young child is supposed to learn is that love is constant. I believe that love should be like the oxygen in the room. Its just there, you don't have to think about it. But many people with eating disorders came from homes where love was turned on and off like a light switch: If you displease me, I'll love you less. If you make me angry, I won't love you. (Imagine if parents turned off the oxygen when they were displeased! We would report them for child abuse!) Part of recovery is reclaiming our "lovability"! We were lovable even when we were "fussy". We were lovable even when we would rather run around the back yard than sit and look pretty. We were lovable even when mommy was unhappy - (that's a whole article unto itself!!!) In order to recover our "selves", we need to reclaim our right to be who we were meant to be. We have to reclaim our inherent talents and personalities and see them as being "good enough" just as they are! In the next issue I will talk more about this in my article: "Right Brain/Left Brain and the Flip Side of the Same Coin". Amy Grabowski leads the Thursday Women's Therapy Group where she helps others discover the person they were meant to be. The
Meaning of Food During the Early Years Rarely do we think of all that has gone into forming our relationship with food and eating. When there are no problems with eating, we take it for granted. It is a biological function and everyone needs to do it. And when there are problems, there is shame and frustration, but still oftentimes no further exploration of all that goes into this complex and meaningful part of our lives. In fact it begins in the womb, when our nourishment comes to us directly from mother. Our fetus-bodies process and utilize the nutrients, but we don't yet use all of our body parts which later become so integral a part of the experience of eating. After birth, some parents choose to nurse, which extends the physiological connection between mother and child around the act of feeding. But whether an infant is breast or bottle fed, to say that the purpose of feeding is primarily for nutrients is to miss a crucial aspect of the importance of eating. From the first day of our lives and maybe earlier, eating is an event that establishes the framework for future experiences and relationships. It brings to mind a number of famous studies done in the 1940's and 50's researching children who were raised in institutions. These children were given food and shelter and they were tended to physically, but they were not stimulated or held. In other words, they were fed but not nourished. Those who survived had devastating developmental and psychological problems. . It wasn't enough just to feed them, for nourishment is so much more than calories. For baby, nursing or sucking on a bottle is also an occasion for stimulating and pleasing the senses. Baby has the opportunity to take in the touch of another's skin, a smile, and the sound of a loving voice. These first sensory pleasures lay the groundwork for what will become a more refined use of senses, eventually helping the growing child to interpret her world. The young infant needs her caregivers to satisfy as many of her needs as possible because she has no way of regulating her urges. This means feeding upon demand. As her mental and physical development get under way, little by little, throughout the years, her parents can turn over the responsibility for these functions to her. This gradual process is the development of self-regulation, which involves a wide variety of functions, including the regulation of food intake. Of course there was a time in our history when this was not the popular viewpoint. In the 1920's and 30's there was a child-rearing trend toward putting the newborn on a feeding schedule and denying her food no matter how much she cried. "Giving in" supposedly produced a coddled child. According to Selma Fraiberg in The Magic Years, "A good mother of the period closed her ears to the noise, set her teeth, and waited until the kitchen clock registered hunger" (p. 72). This is an example of how a child might be denied a crucial opportunity to develop an internal sense of what it feels like to be hungry. Furthermore, the experience of having food withheld is likely to create feelings of helplessness and distress which are then associated with eating and perhaps with the relationship to the caregiver. When a child's basic needs go unmet so early in life, it is possible to see how she might later have mixed feelings about meeting her own needs. Though the groundwork is laid in infancy, the developmental importance of food and eating continues throughout the life cycle. In toddlerhood there is the event of learning to feed oneself. Usually quite a messy affair, which involves the child feeling the different textures of various foods, with her hands and her mouth, sensing the difference between hot and cold, tasting food, smelling food, spitting it out and of course the wonderful feeling of omnipotence the toddler experiences when throwing food. This is all an important part of child development. The ways in which emotions and food go together become more apparent in the older toddler. In my practice as a psychotherapist with families, I very often get parents who are worried about their child's eating habits. The child might insist on eating only certain foods, or need foods prepared in a certain way or by a certain person; he might restrict his food or overeat. Sometimes these preferences are indications of a child's psychological issue and sometimes they're not. But either way, there is usually an emotional component to the situation. For a parent, feeling that one is unable to adequately feed one's child evokes feelings of failure and frustration. And sometimes eating becomes the battleground for addressing important issues between parent and child. It used to be that our first experience of having a regular meal out of the home came during our first year of grade school. The school lunchroom continues to be a place that is loaded with energy, excitement and fear, and yet seldom do we think of the important peer interactions that take place around food at the school lunch table. If lunches are brought from home there is competition and trading of treats. The contents of the brown bag or lunchbox reveal information about a classmate's home life. And though every school might have similar lunchroom noise, it is not too hard to imagine that underneath it all, there are more than a few students with private thoughts and worries about separation from home around mealtime. I could easily extend this discussion into adolescence and adulthood, but there is already a heightened cultural awareness of the meaning that food and eating have during these years. The bottom line is that food is stirring. It is laden with much meaning, both developmentally and emotionally throughout the life cycle. And while we need food in order to survive, it is not like putting fuel into an automobile. Viewing it as such denies us the opportunity of understanding our relationship with food in all of its complexity, and in the end prevents us from being truly nourished. Susan Bachman, LCSW has a special expertise in working with parents of young children. Nutrition
Q&A: Why Nutrition Counseling? Q: Why do I need to see a dietitian if I am seeing a therapist? Why do I need to see a therapist if I am seeing a dietitian? A: There is increasing evidence that the team approach is most effective in treating eating disorders. The roles of the dietitian and therapist sometimes seem to overlap and cause confusion for both clients and therapists. In addition, there are many kinds of dietitians and therapists. If one explores the roles of these professionals, it becomes easy to see why both are necessary and essential to promote the fastest and most permanent progress. Sondra Kronberg, M.S., R.D., president of the Eating Disorder Council of Long Island, N.Y., and Board member of the American Anorexia/Bulimia Association, recently wrote an article for their newsletter titled "Nutrition and Eating Disorders: A Shared Journey". She describes the recovery team as a partner-ship. "Patients are the experts of themselves, their behaviors and thoughts. The nutritionist is the expert of physiology, nutrition information, eating thoughts and behaviors. The therapist is an expert on the emotions and underlying dynamics that support the eating disorder.. Responsibility and answers lie within the patient, the team is a guide." Traditionally dietitians receive the scientific training necessary to assess someone's physiological status and determine their nutritional needs. The dietitian can then calculate the amount of nutrients the person needs, develop a food plan that meets these needs, and provide some suggestions for getting started. The client was then supposed to implement these recommendations with occasional check-ins with the dietitian for further guidance and refinement of the dietary plan. Unfortunately, this was a frustrating process for everyone. It didn't work. It didn't work because it wasn't internally driven, and it didn't deal with the emotional aspects of eating or the underlying issues of an eating disorder. Some dietitians seek extra training in treating eating disorders. These specially trained dietitians, often referred to as "nutrition counselors" or "nutrition therapists," can help clients learn how variations in their carbohydrate, protein, fat, and calorie intake can affect their physical and emotional sate of being. They can help clients identify, distinguish, and satisfy physical and emotional hunger. Armed with the scientific knowledge of how food works in the body, they can help to identify false and distorted beliefs about food and the body. They can help to uncover and identify how someone may be using food to cope with many areas of their life. However, this is where the expertise of a psychotherapist becomes essential. What may have been "uncovered" in nutrition counseling needs to be explored and worked on in psychotherapy. The therapist delves into the real issues that are causing the eating disorder. Eating Disorders are not about food. For the most part, discussions about food should be with the dietitian, leaving more time for the therapist to work on the emotional and psychosocial issues. Working with people around their food and eating is very complex and multidimensional. The treatment of an eating disorder is a process that requires a team of specialists. With good communication between the dietitian and therapist, remarkable growth and change can take place. Elisa D'Urso-Fischer, M.S., R.D., L.D. is a Nutrition Counselor who leads "Nourishing Concepts" a nutrition counseling group on Monday evenings. Art
Therapy: Powerful Healing So many people want to know, "What is art therapy?" Art therapy is a powerful way to experience healing and recovery. There is a misconception that people need to be "good" at art to participate in art therapy. Truthfully, we are all creative with the potential to change undesired aspects of our lives regardless of our artistic ability. Sometimes, words, can slip by us where as self-created images are forever. Having a series of art pieces can provide important documentation of significant feelings and issues. New insights can develop when reviewing art productions months or years later. Art therapy allows expression of our inner chaos and pain in a safe and reassuring environment. When individuals commit themselves to working with an art therapist some of the benefits include increased self-understanding, emotional growth and healing. Art therapy helps us to give our lives the meaning we want in a visual way. "E.J." Wilton is a graduate student art therapy intern from The Adler School of Professional Psychology. She leads an Art Therapy Group on Saturday mornings and also individual art therapy sessions during the week. For more information about Art Therapy, leave a message for E.J. on Amy Grabowski's voice mail ext. 1. Introducing: Sandra Sheinin MD, Kate Schechter, Andrea Harris Alpert We are pleased to announce the addition of a psychiatrist, and two new therapists to The Awakening Center. Sandra Sheinin, MD, received her medical degree and her psychiatry residency training at Northwestern University Medical School. Her special areas of interest: include: eating disorders, post-partum depression, pregnancy loss, infertility and breast cancer; and is available to see clients for medication management and psychotherapy. "I cultivated my interest in women's mental health by volunteering at Planned Parenthood and working at Y-ME Breast Cancer Information. Throughout my medical training, I have conducted clinical research that explored the interconnections between psychiatric and obstetric/gynecologic health. I've treated many women with depression and anxiety who also struggled with body image and self-esteem. I believe these issues are best addressed by offering a multitude of interventions, including various forms of therapy and medications. I strive to create a supportive environment where my client feels safe to openly explore feelings and experiences. By helping to facilitate understanding and awareness, the client can ultimately feel empowered to make healthier choices and live a more fulfilling life." Both Kate Schechter, LCSW and Andrea Harris Alpert, LCSW bring a wealth of experience working with people of all ages and backgrounds in individual, couples and family therapy. With a background in clinical social work and comparative religion, Kate is especially interested in the dimension of the future in the therapeutic process and in the role of hope and imagination in growth. She aims to help people identify constricted and self-defective patterns and to define and develop new ways of meeting life's challenges creatively. Andrea recognizes the courage that it takes for people to begin the therapeutic process. She works hard to provide a climate where her clients feel safe and understood so they can begin the process of exploration. By tailoring her approach to meet the specific pace and goals of each client, Andrea helps to facilitate self-awareness growth and healing. How to reach us: Amy Grabowski......................773
929-6262 x 1
|
 |
