1997 Newsletters
January 1997
Anger, The Misunderstood Emotion
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
A long time ago, I read an article called "Anger Is Your Friend." I thought the author was daft. How could an emotion as scary and taboo as anger be your friend?! I don't remember the actual article, but it started me thinking about anger. And my fascination with the subject spurred my own healing of this misunderstood emotion. Of all the emotions, anger is the one that many people fear and avoid the most.
What is anger? Anger is just one emotion in the full spectrum of emotions, just as blue is one color in the full spectrum of colors. And just as there are many shades of blue, there are many shades of anger, from mildly irritated to violently rageful.
Anger is usually a defense reaction to situations in which our "self" feels threatened. It is a natural, healthy emotion; we are born with it. When we were babies, if someone took our rattle, we got angry. We would scream in order to get our rattle back. When our rattle was returned to us, we learned that anger is useful and productive.
When expressed in appropriate ways, anger can be very constructive. By listening to our anger we can learn about ourselves. Anger tells us how we want to be treated and when we feel mistreated. It tells us about our boundaries and our limits. It can help us enhance our sense of self, and help us to know ourselves better. Resolving anger can help us to change negative patterns and to feel in charge of our lives.
Here's an example of a situation in which anger is expressed in a healthy way. Something happens that makes someone angry. The ones involved (and only those involved) express their anger in a way that says "I am angry at something you did. Here's what I want to happen. What do you need in order to help me make this happen?" The issue is then discussed until a mutual feeling of compromise has been reached. Both parties in the issue come out ahead; its a win-win situation. Through this interaction, anger is seen as something positive that helps resolve problems.
But anger can be uncomfortable and scary. First, society discourages us from expressing anger. If we get angry, we are thought of as crazy or out of control. Women are especially discouraged from expressing anger. When women get angry they are labeled as a "bitch" or "hormonal" and weak.
Secondly, many of us fear anger because of family patterns that taught us that anger is frightening, destructive or even dangerous.
In the first case, families avoid anger like the plague. Any hint of anger may have been met with "Don't you raise your voice to me, young lady!" or some other message that said that anger was not OK. In response we learned to rationalize our anger away. "They didn't really mean it......I shouldn't feel angry." In our attempt to talk ourselves out of being angry, we created a conflict inside ourselves. "I shouldn't feel angry, but I do feel angry. Therefore there must be something wrong with me." We spend a lot of time and energy avoiding anger. We ask ourselves "Do I have a right to be angry?" This would be like asking yourself "Do I have a right to see the color blue?"
When we suppress or rationalize our anger, we fail to learn an important lesson: anger can change and to resolve problems which gives us a feeling of personal power and control in our lives.
In the second case, all anger is expressed in an explosive and destructive way. In some families, any minor offense was met with name calling, shaming, screaming and yelling, or worse, hitting and physical abuse. While anger was expressed more freely than in the anger-phobic family not only was it much more destructive and scary, the family members also never learn how to resolve conflicts.
The first step to healthy expression of anger is to learn to stop avoiding it. When we stuff our anger it builds up. Pent-up anger is hard to control and we often will blow up inappropriately. Pent-up anger also builds up until it turns into rage. It is safer if we vent our anger when it is petty irritations. When we take care of our anger as soon as we realize we feel it, it will not build up.
Sometimes in a relationship, we find ourselves repeating unhealthy patterns. It is easy for us to see what how others make us mad. But it is hard for us to see what we are doing that keeps the pattern going. In her book The Dance of Anger Harriet Lerner describes relationships as circular dances. Each person's dance steps perpetuates and reinforce the other person's dance steps. We do not have control over other people, we cannot change other people, but we can change our own behavior.
If we were dancing the polka with another person, we would both be contributing to the dance. We would only be able to continue to dance as long as both dancers danced. If one of us were to change to a tango, the dancing would change, the polka stops.
Similarly, in a relationship, patterns can go on only as long as both parties continue it. If either person changes anything about the pattern, something would change. It is very empowering, especially for women, to see that they actually can make positive changes occur in their lives just by changing their own behavior.
Many people find that taking a class in Assertiveness Training very helpful to learn what to say to facilitate these positive changes.
But if your fear of anger is paralyzing, short term individual therapy focusing on this problem can quickly get to the root of your anger-phobia. Then you can be "friends" with your anger.
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the Director and Founder of The Awakening Center. She works with clients individually and in groups to establish balance, cooperation and harmony among their "parts"; and a feeling of calmness, compassion and inner strength from their core "self". She specializes in women's issues especially: eating disorders and body image problems; anger, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem; couples communication and parenting skills; spiritual and personal growth. Sliding fee/Insurance Available.
_____________________________________
Anger, The Misunderstood Emotion
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
A long time ago, I read an article called "Anger Is Your Friend." I thought the author was daft. How could an emotion as scary and taboo as anger be your friend?! I don't remember the actual article, but it started me thinking about anger. And my fascination with the subject spurred my own healing of this misunderstood emotion. Of all the emotions, anger is the one that many people fear and avoid the most.
What is anger? Anger is just one emotion in the full spectrum of emotions, just as blue is one color in the full spectrum of colors. And just as there are many shades of blue, there are many shades of anger, from mildly irritated to violently rageful.
Anger is usually a defense reaction to situations in which our "self" feels threatened. It is a natural, healthy emotion; we are born with it. When we were babies, if someone took our rattle, we got angry. We would scream in order to get our rattle back. When our rattle was returned to us, we learned that anger is useful and productive.
When expressed in appropriate ways, anger can be very constructive. By listening to our anger we can learn about ourselves. Anger tells us how we want to be treated and when we feel mistreated. It tells us about our boundaries and our limits. It can help us enhance our sense of self, and help us to know ourselves better. Resolving anger can help us to change negative patterns and to feel in charge of our lives.
Here's an example of a situation in which anger is expressed in a healthy way. Something happens that makes someone angry. The ones involved (and only those involved) express their anger in a way that says "I am angry at something you did. Here's what I want to happen. What do you need in order to help me make this happen?" The issue is then discussed until a mutual feeling of compromise has been reached. Both parties in the issue come out ahead; its a win-win situation. Through this interaction, anger is seen as something positive that helps resolve problems.
But anger can be uncomfortable and scary. First, society discourages us from expressing anger. If we get angry, we are thought of as crazy or out of control. Women are especially discouraged from expressing anger. When women get angry they are labeled as a "bitch" or "hormonal" and weak.
Secondly, many of us fear anger because of family patterns that taught us that anger is frightening, destructive or even dangerous.
In the first case, families avoid anger like the plague. Any hint of anger may have been met with "Don't you raise your voice to me, young lady!" or some other message that said that anger was not OK. In response we learned to rationalize our anger away. "They didn't really mean it......I shouldn't feel angry." In our attempt to talk ourselves out of being angry, we created a conflict inside ourselves. "I shouldn't feel angry, but I do feel angry. Therefore there must be something wrong with me." We spend a lot of time and energy avoiding anger. We ask ourselves "Do I have a right to be angry?" This would be like asking yourself "Do I have a right to see the color blue?"
When we suppress or rationalize our anger, we fail to learn an important lesson: anger can change and to resolve problems which gives us a feeling of personal power and control in our lives.
In the second case, all anger is expressed in an explosive and destructive way. In some families, any minor offense was met with name calling, shaming, screaming and yelling, or worse, hitting and physical abuse. While anger was expressed more freely than in the anger-phobic family not only was it much more destructive and scary, the family members also never learn how to resolve conflicts.
The first step to healthy expression of anger is to learn to stop avoiding it. When we stuff our anger it builds up. Pent-up anger is hard to control and we often will blow up inappropriately. Pent-up anger also builds up until it turns into rage. It is safer if we vent our anger when it is petty irritations. When we take care of our anger as soon as we realize we feel it, it will not build up.
Sometimes in a relationship, we find ourselves repeating unhealthy patterns. It is easy for us to see what how others make us mad. But it is hard for us to see what we are doing that keeps the pattern going. In her book The Dance of Anger Harriet Lerner describes relationships as circular dances. Each person's dance steps perpetuates and reinforce the other person's dance steps. We do not have control over other people, we cannot change other people, but we can change our own behavior.
If we were dancing the polka with another person, we would both be contributing to the dance. We would only be able to continue to dance as long as both dancers danced. If one of us were to change to a tango, the dancing would change, the polka stops.
Similarly, in a relationship, patterns can go on only as long as both parties continue it. If either person changes anything about the pattern, something would change. It is very empowering, especially for women, to see that they actually can make positive changes occur in their lives just by changing their own behavior.
Many people find that taking a class in Assertiveness Training very helpful to learn what to say to facilitate these positive changes.
But if your fear of anger is paralyzing, short term individual therapy focusing on this problem can quickly get to the root of your anger-phobia. Then you can be "friends" with your anger.
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the Director and Founder of The Awakening Center. She works with clients individually and in groups to establish balance, cooperation and harmony among their "parts"; and a feeling of calmness, compassion and inner strength from their core "self". She specializes in women's issues especially: eating disorders and body image problems; anger, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem; couples communication and parenting skills; spiritual and personal growth. Sliding fee/Insurance Available.
_____________________________________
April 1997
Changing "The Game"
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
"Whenever I talk to her, my mom turns every conversation into something about herself. I feel so unimportant, like I'm not good enough."
"I hate it when my dad drinks. He gets so sarcastic, it makes me feel so bad. I avoid going home at all costs, and when I do I'm so uptight that I end up eating too much."
As a therapist I am often asked by my clients how they can stop someone from saying or doing certain things that make them feel bad about themselves. I usually recommend Harriet Lerner's book The Dance of Anger, in which, as I mentioned in the last newsletter, she describes relationships as circular dances, where each person's dance steps perpetuates and reinforces the other person's dance steps. By changing our own dance steps we can change the whole dance.
Deep inside, I know that isn't what they really want. Essentially they are asking me how to change or control the other person. It is very difficult for us to accept that we really, truly cannot change other people, nor can we control anything that they do or say. But, on a lighter note, there is something that we can do to protect ourselves from other people's peculiarities, problems or character traits; what I call "quirks". A long time ago, I invented "The Game" to cope with my family while I was recovering. Everytime I visited my family, I was on guard the whole time, waiting to fend off what I felt was the onslaught of "barbs". Little things everyone did or said drove me crazy, made me feel bad about myself and usually, I ended up turning to some kind of negative behavior on my part. Somewhere in my recovery I decided that I needed to accept the fact that I could not change or control these people. I needed to separate my self and my self-esteem from their quirks. And so, "The Game" was born. When I recently taught "The Game" to one of the groups at The Awakening Center, many of the women were laughing hysterically as I described it to them. The game can be as low key or dramatic as you want to in your mind. You can imagine a game show host and an announcer who may say "Our next contes tant is Mary Smith from Chicago, Illinois!" Then the crowd applauds as you step onto a brightly lit stage with flashing lights and buzzers. The object of the game is to accurately predict in advance what certain members of your family will do; not what you would like them to do or what you think they "should" do, but what you know deep down they really will do. For example, if your father always gets sarcastic if he drinks, your prediction may be that he will make a negative comment after you arrive. Or if your mother turns every conversation into something about herself, you may predict that she changes the subject when you bring up a topic. So before each visit you sit down and list your predictions of what you think will actually happen.
Next, you need to pick a prize if you predicted correctly. It can be something funny such as a trip to Paris, a years supply of pantyhose or a refrigerator/freezer. Or you may choose something nurturing like a long novel. One client paid herself money for each prediction which she then saved up for a massage when she got home.
Now for the "hard part", when you are in the midst of the family visit: you need to remind yourself of "The Game" and of your predictions. It helps to be more objective if you can picture the stage, the lights, the voice of the announcer etc. As the game begins, you anticipate with excitement for your predictions to happen. When your father answers the door with a negative remark, you hear the audience break into applause while bells and buzzers ring to let you know you scored a point in "round one". Instead of dreading your dad's attitude, you can say "Yes! I won a bubble bath!" Rather than being on guard because your mom will talk only about herself, you can actually look forward to it so that you can collect your next prize. (No fair cheating! Offering your father a drink or asking your mom a question about herself is not fair!)
A lot of times people give me real strange looks right about now. "Why would I look forward to my mother's incessant talk about herself? Why should I anticipate my father's attitude?" Because since we have no control over what they say or do, and in reality you know they are going to do it anyway, we can only change how we feel about it rather than let it in and hurt us. We are separating our selves and our self-esteem from their quirks. Eventually you will be able to take these quirks for granted as part of them, not as a reflection of your worth as a person. If my mother talks only about herself, that says something about her, not me. If my father drinks too much, that's his problem, not mine.
By separating from their quirks, you are giving their quirks back to them and not blaming yourself. Their quirks are not your fault, they are not your problem to solve or control, just as their height or their hair color is not your fault or your problem.
The by-product of playing this game is that you accept them as the people they really are, not spend wasted energy blaming them for who they aren't and never will be. You also let go of your own guilt that it somehow is your fault, or that you are to blame.
As their quirks lose their "barbs", you may find as I have that your visits can become more enjoyable. My parents and I have the best relationship now than we ever had. I do not take their quirks personally. And because I have stopped reacting as I did in the past, (as I changed my dance steps and therefore the dance) they don't do their quirks as often and some have even been eliminated. Some quirks I actually find humorous and amusing now. Thus, by changing my own attitude towards their quirks, I accomplished what I wanted in the beginning, a pleasant and meaningful relationship with my parents.
I welcome your comments, questions or suggestions on this or any other topic for future issues of our Newsletter. Please feel free to forward them to me at: The Awakening Center 3166 N Lincoln Suite 224 Chicago, Il 60657
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the Director and Founder of The Awakening Center. She specializes in women's issues especially: eating disorders and body image problems; anger, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem; couples communication and parenting skills; spiritual and personal growth. Sliding fee/Insurance Available.
__________________________________
Changing "The Game"
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
"Whenever I talk to her, my mom turns every conversation into something about herself. I feel so unimportant, like I'm not good enough."
"I hate it when my dad drinks. He gets so sarcastic, it makes me feel so bad. I avoid going home at all costs, and when I do I'm so uptight that I end up eating too much."
As a therapist I am often asked by my clients how they can stop someone from saying or doing certain things that make them feel bad about themselves. I usually recommend Harriet Lerner's book The Dance of Anger, in which, as I mentioned in the last newsletter, she describes relationships as circular dances, where each person's dance steps perpetuates and reinforces the other person's dance steps. By changing our own dance steps we can change the whole dance.
Deep inside, I know that isn't what they really want. Essentially they are asking me how to change or control the other person. It is very difficult for us to accept that we really, truly cannot change other people, nor can we control anything that they do or say. But, on a lighter note, there is something that we can do to protect ourselves from other people's peculiarities, problems or character traits; what I call "quirks". A long time ago, I invented "The Game" to cope with my family while I was recovering. Everytime I visited my family, I was on guard the whole time, waiting to fend off what I felt was the onslaught of "barbs". Little things everyone did or said drove me crazy, made me feel bad about myself and usually, I ended up turning to some kind of negative behavior on my part. Somewhere in my recovery I decided that I needed to accept the fact that I could not change or control these people. I needed to separate my self and my self-esteem from their quirks. And so, "The Game" was born. When I recently taught "The Game" to one of the groups at The Awakening Center, many of the women were laughing hysterically as I described it to them. The game can be as low key or dramatic as you want to in your mind. You can imagine a game show host and an announcer who may say "Our next contes tant is Mary Smith from Chicago, Illinois!" Then the crowd applauds as you step onto a brightly lit stage with flashing lights and buzzers. The object of the game is to accurately predict in advance what certain members of your family will do; not what you would like them to do or what you think they "should" do, but what you know deep down they really will do. For example, if your father always gets sarcastic if he drinks, your prediction may be that he will make a negative comment after you arrive. Or if your mother turns every conversation into something about herself, you may predict that she changes the subject when you bring up a topic. So before each visit you sit down and list your predictions of what you think will actually happen.
Next, you need to pick a prize if you predicted correctly. It can be something funny such as a trip to Paris, a years supply of pantyhose or a refrigerator/freezer. Or you may choose something nurturing like a long novel. One client paid herself money for each prediction which she then saved up for a massage when she got home.
Now for the "hard part", when you are in the midst of the family visit: you need to remind yourself of "The Game" and of your predictions. It helps to be more objective if you can picture the stage, the lights, the voice of the announcer etc. As the game begins, you anticipate with excitement for your predictions to happen. When your father answers the door with a negative remark, you hear the audience break into applause while bells and buzzers ring to let you know you scored a point in "round one". Instead of dreading your dad's attitude, you can say "Yes! I won a bubble bath!" Rather than being on guard because your mom will talk only about herself, you can actually look forward to it so that you can collect your next prize. (No fair cheating! Offering your father a drink or asking your mom a question about herself is not fair!)
A lot of times people give me real strange looks right about now. "Why would I look forward to my mother's incessant talk about herself? Why should I anticipate my father's attitude?" Because since we have no control over what they say or do, and in reality you know they are going to do it anyway, we can only change how we feel about it rather than let it in and hurt us. We are separating our selves and our self-esteem from their quirks. Eventually you will be able to take these quirks for granted as part of them, not as a reflection of your worth as a person. If my mother talks only about herself, that says something about her, not me. If my father drinks too much, that's his problem, not mine.
By separating from their quirks, you are giving their quirks back to them and not blaming yourself. Their quirks are not your fault, they are not your problem to solve or control, just as their height or their hair color is not your fault or your problem.
The by-product of playing this game is that you accept them as the people they really are, not spend wasted energy blaming them for who they aren't and never will be. You also let go of your own guilt that it somehow is your fault, or that you are to blame.
As their quirks lose their "barbs", you may find as I have that your visits can become more enjoyable. My parents and I have the best relationship now than we ever had. I do not take their quirks personally. And because I have stopped reacting as I did in the past, (as I changed my dance steps and therefore the dance) they don't do their quirks as often and some have even been eliminated. Some quirks I actually find humorous and amusing now. Thus, by changing my own attitude towards their quirks, I accomplished what I wanted in the beginning, a pleasant and meaningful relationship with my parents.
I welcome your comments, questions or suggestions on this or any other topic for future issues of our Newsletter. Please feel free to forward them to me at: The Awakening Center 3166 N Lincoln Suite 224 Chicago, Il 60657
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the Director and Founder of The Awakening Center. She specializes in women's issues especially: eating disorders and body image problems; anger, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem; couples communication and parenting skills; spiritual and personal growth. Sliding fee/Insurance Available.
__________________________________
September 1997
Breaking Anxiety's Grip
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
"My heart beats so fast that it feels like it will explode out of my chest..." "A feeling of doom washes over me. Everything looks bleak and scary...." "My thoughts start to race... What if? What if? What if?"
When I was 19, I started to feel anxious and have panic attacks. Looking for help, I described how I was feeling to a doctor. He blankly diagnosed panic attacks, handed me a prescription for a tranquilizer and walked out. I felt alone, like some kind of shameful freak.
What I really needed from him, I didn't get: an explanation, and some reassurance that I was going to be OK.
When clients come to me with anxiety, I help them heal themselves in four ways. First, I give them reassurance that they are definitely NOT alone with these feelings. Anxiety is the #1 reason Americans seek counseling. Secondly, I help them understand anxiety, how it develops, and how to feel more "in control" of it.
Third, I teach them ways to help them stop the anxiety spiral. Then fourth, they learn how to comfort the "part" of themselves that becomes anxious. Anxiety is excessive worry that is difficult to control. It causes: restlessness, being keyed up, feeling on edge, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless unsatisfying sleep. (If you think about it, most people in our high pressure society feel anxious.)
Panic attacks are periods of intense fear or discomfort, with physical symptoms that develop abruptly and reach a peak within 10 minutes. These symptoms include: pounding heart, sweating, trembling, shortness of breath, feeling of choking, nausea, abdominal distress, dizziness, faintness, feelings of unreality or being detached from oneself, fear of losing control, fear of going crazy, fear of dying, numbness, tingling, chills or hot flushes.
When you understand anxiety, it becomes less frightening and then can be dealt with in a calmer more logical manner. Anxiety is an instinctual survival mechanism - developed millions of years ago. When Ms Cavewoman saw a sabertooth tiger, her brain registered a "threat", and activated her "fight or flight response". Her body gives her a squirt of adrenaline to make her heart beat faster, lungs breathe more rapidly, thoughts come more quickly, and her muscles to tense up - so that she could fight or flee. This is all well and fine if I am about to be hit by a Northbound Lincoln Avenue bus. That automatic squirt of adrenaline burns off as I run for my life.
But, most "threats" in today's society are abstract. Our brain cannot tell the difference between a real threat and an "imagined" threat. So when we think "Oh no! What if I gain weight?" or "Oh my God! My boss won't like me if I speak up!" we get the same automatic squirt of adrenaline - even though you would never start a fistfight or flee in terror.
Worse yet, we notice our bodies' symptoms and think "Oh no! I'm shaking! What if someone notices?" Our mind sees this as another threat, and before you know it, squirt! - another dose of adrenaline. This speeds up our bodies and minds even faster. When this is noticed, "Oh my God! What's wrong with me?" - (you guessed it) squirt, more adrenaline. And so on, and so on. To stop this out of control cycle, we need to recognize anxiety in our bodies. I often ask clients, "Where in your body do you feel anxiety? What does it feel like?" If your first anxiety symptom is a "lurch" in your stomach, then the next time it occurs you may recognize it and process it in a way that avoids the out-of-control-spiral.
Deep breathing exercises, visualizations, and other techniques can halt the anxiety spiral. For example, visualize the most calming color imaginable, and then the color of your anxiety. Take a deep breath in through your nose, and imagine that you "breathe in" your calm color. When you breathe out through your mouth, "exhale" anxiety. As you breathe in your calm color, imagine yourself in a calm setting, such as a beach, a cabin or anywhere that feels safe. As you exhale your anxiety, imagine that it floats away from you like smoke or confetti in the wind.
Since anxiety tends to make us zoom into the future, especially with "What if" thoughts, introducing a "mantra", a calming phrase that is repeated over and over, can be very reassuring. A mantra such as "Right now, this moment, I am not in danger" can bring us back to the present.
Sometimes just identifying that we are feeling anxiety and are having body symptoms, (but without the catastrophizing), can be calming. For example, "OK, I'm having body symptoms. So what? Nothing's going to happen" After doing all this for a while, you will feel in control of the anxiety by breaking the upward spiral of symptoms that had you in anxiety's grip. But it is not enough to just control the physical symptoms of anxiety. To finally stop the anxiety from reoccurring, you must address the underlying issues that started the anxiety originally, - usually with the help of a licensed counselor.
For each person, these underlying issues are unique. Yours may be based on family dynamics from years ago, or a trauma that never fully healed. Whatever the cause, the process of resolving these issues is the same. Feel a bit of the anxiety. Then visualize this feeling as a "part" of you who needs something from you. Often this part will be a younger version of you that is stuck in the past, and can't move forward because it did not get what it needed then.
If you imagine sitting next to this part, you may feel empathy and compassion for the part. Ask the part what it needs from you, what words it wants to hear more than anything else. Often the parts wants validation, acceptance, and reassurance -- phrases like: "Its OK to feel this way." "You are still good enough even though you're scared." "It's going to be all right." and "You are not alone." Write these phrases down on a card and pull out your card whenever you need to calm down.
When the part is calmed down, then you, your adult self, can take care of what caused you to become anxious in the first place. It sounds easy, but it does require work and persistence on your part. Using the guidance of a licensed counselor, you can finally resolve these underlying issues. Breaking the grip of anxiety will spiral you upwards -- to happiness, health and success!
If you are having problems with anxiety or panic attacks and would like to explore this method of treatment, please call Amy Grabowski at (773) 929-6262 ext 1. You don't have to suffer alone any longer.
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is trained in Internal Family Systems to help you overcome anxiety, eating disorders anger, depression, and low self-esteem. She has successfully healed her own anxious "parts".
____________________________________
What Your Body Says About What You Eat
Elisa D'Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
Over my 15 years as a Registered Dietician, I have developed a gentle, holistic, non-dieting approach for ending overeating and undereating -- as well as for concerns around cholesterol, diabetes, or even cancer.
Rather than abstract or rigid dietary recommendations, I teach a client to listen to her own body's cues and signals for healthy eating.
For example, one client wanted to break her daily habit of eating a pound of lunchmeat for dinner. Even though she worried that this was "bad" for her, she was unable to curb her actions. Instead, I helped her recognize how so much salty food made her body so thirsty that she was up all night drinking water and running to the bathroom. A good night's sleep became her concrete, immediate reward for trying different foods for dinner. She became an "overnight success".
Explore your eating patterns. Embracing and loving your body leads to permanent, healthy change.
- Breaking Anxiety's Grip - Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
- What Your Body Says About What You Eat -Elisa D'Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
Breaking Anxiety's Grip
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
"My heart beats so fast that it feels like it will explode out of my chest..." "A feeling of doom washes over me. Everything looks bleak and scary...." "My thoughts start to race... What if? What if? What if?"
When I was 19, I started to feel anxious and have panic attacks. Looking for help, I described how I was feeling to a doctor. He blankly diagnosed panic attacks, handed me a prescription for a tranquilizer and walked out. I felt alone, like some kind of shameful freak.
What I really needed from him, I didn't get: an explanation, and some reassurance that I was going to be OK.
When clients come to me with anxiety, I help them heal themselves in four ways. First, I give them reassurance that they are definitely NOT alone with these feelings. Anxiety is the #1 reason Americans seek counseling. Secondly, I help them understand anxiety, how it develops, and how to feel more "in control" of it.
Third, I teach them ways to help them stop the anxiety spiral. Then fourth, they learn how to comfort the "part" of themselves that becomes anxious. Anxiety is excessive worry that is difficult to control. It causes: restlessness, being keyed up, feeling on edge, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless unsatisfying sleep. (If you think about it, most people in our high pressure society feel anxious.)
Panic attacks are periods of intense fear or discomfort, with physical symptoms that develop abruptly and reach a peak within 10 minutes. These symptoms include: pounding heart, sweating, trembling, shortness of breath, feeling of choking, nausea, abdominal distress, dizziness, faintness, feelings of unreality or being detached from oneself, fear of losing control, fear of going crazy, fear of dying, numbness, tingling, chills or hot flushes.
When you understand anxiety, it becomes less frightening and then can be dealt with in a calmer more logical manner. Anxiety is an instinctual survival mechanism - developed millions of years ago. When Ms Cavewoman saw a sabertooth tiger, her brain registered a "threat", and activated her "fight or flight response". Her body gives her a squirt of adrenaline to make her heart beat faster, lungs breathe more rapidly, thoughts come more quickly, and her muscles to tense up - so that she could fight or flee. This is all well and fine if I am about to be hit by a Northbound Lincoln Avenue bus. That automatic squirt of adrenaline burns off as I run for my life.
But, most "threats" in today's society are abstract. Our brain cannot tell the difference between a real threat and an "imagined" threat. So when we think "Oh no! What if I gain weight?" or "Oh my God! My boss won't like me if I speak up!" we get the same automatic squirt of adrenaline - even though you would never start a fistfight or flee in terror.
Worse yet, we notice our bodies' symptoms and think "Oh no! I'm shaking! What if someone notices?" Our mind sees this as another threat, and before you know it, squirt! - another dose of adrenaline. This speeds up our bodies and minds even faster. When this is noticed, "Oh my God! What's wrong with me?" - (you guessed it) squirt, more adrenaline. And so on, and so on. To stop this out of control cycle, we need to recognize anxiety in our bodies. I often ask clients, "Where in your body do you feel anxiety? What does it feel like?" If your first anxiety symptom is a "lurch" in your stomach, then the next time it occurs you may recognize it and process it in a way that avoids the out-of-control-spiral.
Deep breathing exercises, visualizations, and other techniques can halt the anxiety spiral. For example, visualize the most calming color imaginable, and then the color of your anxiety. Take a deep breath in through your nose, and imagine that you "breathe in" your calm color. When you breathe out through your mouth, "exhale" anxiety. As you breathe in your calm color, imagine yourself in a calm setting, such as a beach, a cabin or anywhere that feels safe. As you exhale your anxiety, imagine that it floats away from you like smoke or confetti in the wind.
Since anxiety tends to make us zoom into the future, especially with "What if" thoughts, introducing a "mantra", a calming phrase that is repeated over and over, can be very reassuring. A mantra such as "Right now, this moment, I am not in danger" can bring us back to the present.
Sometimes just identifying that we are feeling anxiety and are having body symptoms, (but without the catastrophizing), can be calming. For example, "OK, I'm having body symptoms. So what? Nothing's going to happen" After doing all this for a while, you will feel in control of the anxiety by breaking the upward spiral of symptoms that had you in anxiety's grip. But it is not enough to just control the physical symptoms of anxiety. To finally stop the anxiety from reoccurring, you must address the underlying issues that started the anxiety originally, - usually with the help of a licensed counselor.
For each person, these underlying issues are unique. Yours may be based on family dynamics from years ago, or a trauma that never fully healed. Whatever the cause, the process of resolving these issues is the same. Feel a bit of the anxiety. Then visualize this feeling as a "part" of you who needs something from you. Often this part will be a younger version of you that is stuck in the past, and can't move forward because it did not get what it needed then.
If you imagine sitting next to this part, you may feel empathy and compassion for the part. Ask the part what it needs from you, what words it wants to hear more than anything else. Often the parts wants validation, acceptance, and reassurance -- phrases like: "Its OK to feel this way." "You are still good enough even though you're scared." "It's going to be all right." and "You are not alone." Write these phrases down on a card and pull out your card whenever you need to calm down.
When the part is calmed down, then you, your adult self, can take care of what caused you to become anxious in the first place. It sounds easy, but it does require work and persistence on your part. Using the guidance of a licensed counselor, you can finally resolve these underlying issues. Breaking the grip of anxiety will spiral you upwards -- to happiness, health and success!
If you are having problems with anxiety or panic attacks and would like to explore this method of treatment, please call Amy Grabowski at (773) 929-6262 ext 1. You don't have to suffer alone any longer.
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is trained in Internal Family Systems to help you overcome anxiety, eating disorders anger, depression, and low self-esteem. She has successfully healed her own anxious "parts".
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What Your Body Says About What You Eat
Elisa D'Urso-Fischer, RD, LD
Over my 15 years as a Registered Dietician, I have developed a gentle, holistic, non-dieting approach for ending overeating and undereating -- as well as for concerns around cholesterol, diabetes, or even cancer.
Rather than abstract or rigid dietary recommendations, I teach a client to listen to her own body's cues and signals for healthy eating.
For example, one client wanted to break her daily habit of eating a pound of lunchmeat for dinner. Even though she worried that this was "bad" for her, she was unable to curb her actions. Instead, I helped her recognize how so much salty food made her body so thirsty that she was up all night drinking water and running to the bathroom. A good night's sleep became her concrete, immediate reward for trying different foods for dinner. She became an "overnight success".
Explore your eating patterns. Embracing and loving your body leads to permanent, healthy change.
